A Single Life
by madeleine68
Summary: Olivia and Alex come upon a particularly horrific case and meet a very special little boy. THE FINAL CHAPTER IS UP! Established A/O Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Everything (and everyone) belongs to Dick Wolf. *sigh***

**A/O is already established in this one. Enjoy!**

Olivia awoke to a gentle shaking of her shoulders in the middle of the night. "Liv," a soft voice whispered in her ear. "Your phone's ringing."

Olivia rolled over. "I'm tired; let me sleep," she tried to say, but it came out more like, "Um tuh, lemme see."

Alex gently rubbed her back. "I know, love, but you've got to get up. Your phone."

Then Alex's words registered and she opened her eyes. "Gimme," she murmured sleepily. Alex obediently held the phone to her girlfriend's ear, and Olivia said, "Benson."

"Liv? It's Elliot. We caught a case. Six-year-old boy molested by his foster parents. Meet you at Mercy General in ten."

Olivia was fully awake by now and jumped out of bed. "Yeah. See you in ten." She dropped the phone and pulled on a pair of jeans. "Sorry, Alex. We caught a case. I'll see you later."

Alex smiled and gave her a kiss. "Love you, Liv."

"Love you, too." Olivia threw on a sweatshirt and hailed a cab to the hospital.

Ten minutes later, she met Elliot at Mercy General. A nurse told them what room the boy was in and they located it.

They went inside and saw a little boy with sandy hair and big blue eyes lying on the bed, looking absolutely terrified.

Olivia sighed and perched on the edge of the child's bed. "Hey, sweetie. My name's Olivia and this is Elliot. We're police officers and we're here to help you. What's your name?"

"Joshua," whispered the boy, his eyes still wide with fear. He scooted away from Olivia to the other side of his bed.

"Hi, Joshua," said Olivia gently. "So can you tell us what happened today?"

He shook his head, two tears leaking from his eyes like large wet pearls. He looked at Elliot and started to tremble.

Olivia understood. "Elliot's going to leave for a bit, okay? It's just going to be you and me and we're going to talk."

He nodded slightly, and Elliot said, "I'll be just outside."

Olivia waited until Elliot had left before turning back to Joshua. "I know this is very, very difficult, Joshua, but I need you to be brave for me. Can you tell me what happened?"

Joshua took a deep breath and burst into tears. Olivia patiently waited until his sobs subsided, and sure enough, he said quietly, "Marcus touched my wee-wee and Lia took pictures."

Olivia nodded. "Okay. Was this the first time they did that?"

Joshua shook his head and started crying again. "Uh uh. But last night Emma saw them."

"Who's Emma?"

"Marcus and Lia's daughter. Their real daughter, not like me. She's a grownup."

"Thank you for telling me this, Joshua," said Olivia softly. "You're very brave and I want you to know that no matter what anyone told you, none of this is your fault. What they did to you was wrong."

Joshua nodded through his tears. "I don't want to go back there, 'Livia! Please don't make me go back there!"

"Don't worry. You won't have to go back there ever again," Olivia assured him. Then she sighed. "Okay, sweetie, I'm going to let you get some rest. I'll come back to see you tomorrow, okay?"

He nodded and let out a shuddering breath. "Okay."

Olivia offered him a smile, then left the room.

Elliot was waiting for her. "Did he tell you anything?"

She nodded. "His foster father molested him and his foster mother took pictures of it. Apparently, it wasn't the first time, last night the foster parents' biological daughter saw it and called it in. We need to talk to her."

"Poor kid," said Elliot sympathetically. "He's been in and out of foster homes since he was five months old. His mother died in a car accident and there's no father on the birth certificate. He's been in twelve foster homes and three group homes since then."

"He's been through a lot," agreed Olivia. "Let's go talk to the bio daughter."

A/O/A/O

Emma Dillon was sitting in an interrogation room thirty minutes later. "So, Ms. Dillon," said Elliot. "What happened last night?"

The woman looked uncomfortable. "I got home from university for the weekend yesterday. I was watching television when I heard screaming. I wanted to make sure nothing was wrong, so I went into Joshua's room. He was naked and Dad was . . . touching him and Mom was taking pictures." She folded her hands in her lap and lowered her eyes.

"Have you ever seen them do anything like this before – to Joshua, to any other foster kids?"

Emma shook her head. "Joshua's their only foster kid. They love him. I don't know what happened last night."

"Had they ever abused you, Ms. Dillon?" asked Olivia gently.

Emma snapped her head up. "No! How dare you suggest such a thing? My parents aren't like that!"

"Okay," said Olivia. "How often are you home?"

"Every weekend."

"And you've never seen anything like this before?"

Emma shook her head. "They love that kid and he loves them. My dad took him out to see _Transformers _last weekend and they had a great time."

"Tell me about Joshua."

Emma shrugged. "He's a happy kid. He loves dinosaurs, Transformers, Pokémon. He's just learning to read and Mom reads with him sometimes. He likes Robert Munsch's books best, and he likes _The Land Before Time_. I used to watch those movies when I was a kid."

Elliot sighed and nodded. "Thank you for talking to us, Ms. Dillon." He handed her his business card. "Please call us if you think of anything else." When Emma left, Elliot turned to Olivia. "The foster parents are in interrogation rooms now. Should we go talk to them or let them stew?"

"Let them stew," decided Olivia. "For now."

"Yes, boss," said Elliot, following her into the squad room. "You know, it's pretty cut and dry. The doctors collected the physical evidence of molestation and the kid's given us his story and the daughter caught them in the act. It doesn't get much better than that."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. "I don't get how she can _still _stand up for them when she saw what they did with her own two eyes."

Elliot shrugged. "Denial runs pretty deep. But these two are going down. Why don't you call Cabot and get a warrant to search their house for videos or pictures? Then we can get them for possession of child pornography too. I'll bet Cabot can get an indictment by this evening."

Olivia obediently took out her cell phone and dialed Alex's number. She answered on the first ring with a crisp, "Cabot."

"Hey, Alex. It's me," said Olivia. "Business related," she added when Alex didn't say anything. "We need a warrant to search Marcus and Lia Dillon's place." She filled Alex in on the case and Alex said she would have the warrant within the hour.

She and Elliot drove to the Dillon apartment, which was a small, poorly-kept place in a bad part of the city. In the master bedroom, Olivia found what they were looking for: the camera that contained most of these pictures, three pornographic videos in which Joshua "performed," and a computer that the Dillons had been too stupid (or cocky) to password protect.

"God, I love stupid perps," crowed Elliot as he packed up the evidence. "They make our job so much easier."

Olivia smirked. "Don't get used to it."

"Yeah. If all criminals were this stupid, we wouldn't have jobs."

**Hmm . . . so should I continue with this? Review if you want chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all your reviews; they truly make my day! I hope you enjoy chapter two. Sorry if it's a bit fluffy (read: mushy).**

The next day after work, Olivia visited Joshua again. Alex had gotten the Dillons arraigned and remanded to custody, and although Olivia had gotten everything she needed out of the little boy, she had the inexplicable urge to go visit him and make sure he was all right.

Joshua was curled up on his side, clutching the blankets to his chest. He looked up and smiled weakly when he saw Olivia. "Hi, 'Livia," he whispered.

"Hey, sweetie," said Olivia, perching on the edge of Joshua's bed. "I've got a present for you."

Joshua started to tremble and covered his face with his hands. "No, thank you," he said quietly.

Olivia tried not to feel hurt. She'd gone out and got Joshua a teddy bear and she'd thought he would love it. "Don't you want to know what it is?"

Joshua began to cry. He started to take off his shirt, but Olivia put a hand on his to stop him.

"Josh, Josh. What are you doing?" She didn't understand.

"I have to – I have to show you I deserve it," he sobbed, his shivering increasing exponentially. "Otherwise – otherwise I don't get what you got for me."

"No, sweetie," Olivia assured him, trying not to cry herself. "No, no, no. I got you something because I wanted to get you something, no strings attached. You don't need to do anything in return, Josh. And I would never, never ask you to get undressed or touch you before giving you something. That's not okay."

Joshua wiped a hand across his eyes. "I – I'm sorry," he whimpered, burying his head in a pillow. "I'm sorry, 'Livia."

"No, sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. I would never hurt you, Joshua. You're safe here. It's okay."

Joshua nodded. Olivia hesitated, then started to gently rub the little boy's back until his sobs gradually subsided. Finally, he looked up at the detective. "'Livia, can I – can I have my present?"

"Of course, sweetie," said Olivia. She reached into her purse and pulled out a teddy bear. She handed it to Joshua. "For you."

Joshua's eyes went wide and he stared at the bear for a moment without taking it. Then his eyes darted up to Olivia. "For – for me?" he asked, hardly daring for voice the thought.

"Yeah, Josh. For you."

He took the bear from her hands and hugged it tightly to his chest. "Thank you, 'Livia," he whispered. "Thank you."

"Can I give you a hug?" asked Olivia, knowing instinctively that she should make sure it was okay before hugging Joshua.

He nodded and Olivia wrapped her arms around him. He buried his head in her shoulder and salty tears soaked Olivia's shirt, but she didn't mind. She just held the little boy tightly, because they both needed it.

A/O/A/O

She went straight home after visiting Joshua. Alex greeted her at the door. "I made you dinner," she said with a smile.

"Thanks, baby," said Olivia wearily. "But I'm not hungry." She hung up her coat and started for the bedroom.

Alex followed her. "What's wrong, Liv? Did you have a hard day at work?"

Olivia sighed and lay down on the bed. Alex hesitated, then sat down beside her and started to gently rub the detective's back.

It took a few minutes, but the touch gradually calmed Olivia down and she said, "You remember the little boy I was telling you about, Joshua?"

"Sure. We – well, _I_ – got his parents arraigned today, remember?"

Olivia sighed again, arching into Alex's touch, needing to be close to her girlfriend right now. "I went to see him again today." Alex didn't say anything; she continued to tenderly massage Olivia's back, and the detective hesitated before continuing. "I brought him a teddy bear. He'd never had one before and I thought it would be a good gift. I gave it to him and he started crying and he asked me what he had to do to get it. I said he didn't have to do anything, but he didn't believe me and he started to take off his clothes, and then I understood. Whenever someone's tried to give something to him in the past, they've wanted him to do – that – before he could get it." She couldn't even bring herself to say the words; they were too clinical. She needed to show Alex the sentiment, not the facts. She felt terrible for scaring Joshua like that.

Alex kissed her forehead and wrapped her arms around Olivia. She understood. "It's not your fault, Liv," she said softly; the words Olivia needed to hear. "You didn't know."

Olivia stubbornly shook her head. "I should have."

"Olivia," said Alex firmly. "You've known this little boy one day. How would you have known?"

Olivia sighed again and leaned against her girlfriend, too emotionally drained to argue.

"This one's hit a nerve, huh?" remarked Alex.

"If you saw this kid, you'd feel the same way. He's five years old, Alex! Just five. And he's been in _sixteen _different homes since he was a baby. _Sixteen_, Alex! Sixteen."

"We deal with a lot of crap in our line of work," agreed Alex. Then she hesitated, unsure exactly how to phrase this. "But why has this one hit you so hard?"

Olivia thought about it. "I don't know," she answered honestly. She didn't quite understand it herself. "It's just – this kid – he's five years old and he's so resilient."

"You were a resilient five-year-old," commented her girlfriend.

Olivia realized she was right. "I guess that's it," she admitted. "He reminded me of myself. I mean, I haven't been through half of what he has," she said hastily when she saw the look on Alex's face. "But the –" She faltered, unsure how to describe it.

"The strength," supplied Alex, caressing Olivia's cheek. "He's strong, Liv. And so were you. So _are _you. You see in him what I see in you. That's one of the things that makes you so special."

Olivia smiled ruefully. "Okay, cut that out. I didn't tell you this so we could have some huge pity party."

"I know, but sometimes I think you forget. Sometimes I think you just need to hear – you need me to tell you – how much I love you and how special you are."

Olivia gave her a kiss. "I love you, too, baby."

"How about you take me to meet Joshua tomorrow? I'm going to need to talk to him sooner or later anyway, to prep him for his testimony."

The detective hesitated. "Okay, but go easy on him. He's just a little boy. Don't ask him ten billion questions right away."

Alex looked offended. "Thanks for the ever so helpful advice, but I've been doing this just as long as you have. I know how to deal with child victims."

"No, that's not it," said Olivia quickly. "It's just – he's special, Alex. I don't know how to explain it; I just feel it. He is."

"Okay." Alex scooted closer to her girlfriend so that their bodies were touching. She kissed Olivia's hair and repeated, "I love you, Liv."

"I love you, too," murmured Olivia before drifting off to sleep.

**I hope this wasn't too fluffy/mushy for you. Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I hope you enjoy this one . . . you better . . . because it took me a long time to type out . . . because I hurt my hands and my fingers are covered with Band-aids and writing this is **_**painful**_**! But I did it for all my loyal readers. **

The next day found Alex and Olivia at the hospital again. Olivia led her girlfriend to Joshua's room and went inside. Joshua immediately started to tremble when he saw Alex, but Olivia sat down beside him, put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and said softly, "It's okay, Josh, it's okay. This is my friend, Alex. She's not going to hurt you."

He relaxed a bit at that. "I'm sorry, 'Livia." He looked up at Alex. "Hi," he said, a bit timidly.

She gave him a small smile. "Can I come sit with you and Olivia?"

He hesitated, then slowly nodded. "Okay."

Alex sat down on his other side and said gently, "So Joshua, are you in kindergarten this year?"

Joshua nodded, eyes wide. "I'm in SK. My teacher's name is Ms. Rhine-something, but she lets me call her Ms. Rhine. Next year I'm gonna be a big boy and I'm gonna be in grade one!"

"Do you like school?" Making small talk with children wasn't her specialty like it was Olivia's, so she reverted to the basic questions that she'd been asked – and hated – as a child. She wanted Joshua to feel comfortable with her, although she wasn't sure if it was because he seemed important to Olivia or because the trial would go a lot easier if he trusted her.

Joshua thought about it for a moment, then nodded again. "I got friends at school and we play together at recess. And Ms. Rhine says I'm good at reading. Sometimes if Marcus and Lia don't come to pick me up on time, Ms. Rhine lets me read to her."

"Have you ever read _Purple, Green, and Yellow_?" asked Alex, faltering for a non-invasive, benign question to ask him. "That was my favorite book when I was your age."

"Yeah. We have all the Robert Munsch books at school. On Monday, Ms. Rhine read us _Angela's Airplane_."

Alex smiled, glad to have made a connection with the little boy. "I liked that one too."

Then Joshua asked, "Alex? Are you a police officer like 'Livia?"

Alex shook her head. "No, but I'm a lawyer, and I'm going to help you, just like Olivia is. Both of us are going to make sure that the people who hurt you will never hurt you again."

Joshua nodded, accepting this. "Okay." He hesitated, then pointed to his bedside table. "Can you give me Teddy? He fell on the floor last night and Nurse Emily put him on the table. I can't reach."

Alex obediently picked up the teddy bear. She held the stuffed animal up to her ear and pretended to listen to it. "You know, Teddy says he missed you and he was wondering where you were all night. He got scared."

Joshua grinned as Alex handed him the bear. He hugged the bear to his chest. "Don't worry, Teddy. I'd never leave you." He looked up at the ADA. "'Livia got him for me yesterday." The little boy reverently kissed the stuffed animal's head. "I never had a teddy before."

Alex smiled sadly. "Well, you do now," is all she could think of to say. Then she glanced at Olivia, who was gently rubbing Joshua's back, silently watching the dynamic unfolding before her, deciding what to make of it. Waiting to see what Alex would do next. Alex sighed, feeling a little like she was on display. She would never be as good – as _natural _– with children as Olivia was.

Olivia saw that now was the time to jump in and said, "You know what, Josh? Your doctor says you'll be okay to go home in a few days."

He sighed with a knowingness, a maturity that surpassed his years. "Another foster home?"

Olivia glanced at Alex. She had a few ideas swirling around her mind right now, but she would have to discuss them with Alex before she said anything to Joshua. Instead, she squeezed the little boy's hand and gave him a wry smile. "We'll see."

Joshua looked at the ground and said sadly, "I know what that means."

"No matter where you go, Joshua, I promise you that no one will ever hurt you again," Alex told him quietly.

He sighed again. "Promise?"

"Yeah, sweetie. I promise."

He looked at Olivia, and she said quickly, "I promise, too, Josh. But here." She rummaged around in her purse and handed him one of her business cards. She pointed to her phone number. "Can you read these numbers to me?"

Joshua took the business card and nodded. "555-2319," he recited.

"Good boy. Now that's my phone number. Keep that card in a safe place and if you ever need anything, you can always call me and I'll help you. And if you ever need help, do you know who else you can call?"

Joshua shrugged.

"You can call 911. You can tell them whatever's wrong and they'll help you too."

Joshua nodded sombrely. "Thank you, 'Livia."

Olivia smiled wanly and went back to rubbing the little boy's back. "Are you feeling better today?" she asked.

Joshua nodded. "I guess, but Nurse Emily had to give me an IV this morning. I didn't like it." He shivered. "I don't like needles."

"I don't like needles either," interjected Alex. "But you were very brave, Joshua, because you faced your fear."

He nodded, looking slightly proud of himself. "Yeah." He leaned his head against Olivia's shoulder and she shifted, wrapping her arms around him, glad that he was comfortable having her so close to him.

They sat in silence for a few moments, then Alex realized that Joshua had fallen asleep in Olivia's embrace and she was a step away from doing the same. She gently shook the detective's shoulder to snap her back to alertness. "Liv, let's go. We'll come back to see him tomorrow, okay?"

Olivia opened her eyes again. "Yeah." She gently extricated the little boy from her grasp and tucked him into bed, pulling the covers over him and planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. She got up and, with one last fleeting glance at the sleeping child, followed Alex out the door.

"That poor child," murmured Alex, more to herself than anything, as they took the elevator to the main floor of the hospital.

"Yeah. He's a good kid."

And they left it at that.

**Would you like chapter four? If so, review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I know this a short one, so my apologies. But I hope you enjoy it anyway!**

They went home and ate dinner in silence. Alex caught up on some paperwork and Olivia watched some television, but soon abandoned it. She couldn't focus on anything other than Joshua right now.

Alex soon gave up on her paperwork, too. "I'm getting in the bath," she told Olivia. "Want to have one with me?"

Olivia nodded and followed Alex to the bathroom. Alex ran the bath and they both undressed, then climbed into the warm, soothing water.

Alex leaned against Olivia and closed her eyes. "This is nice," she murmured.

"Yeah, it is," agreed Olivia, pulling Alex closer to her and gently massaging her tense neck muscles.

"This is going to be a tough case," commented the ADA.

"Yeah, it will be," responded Olivia, sighing.

"And he has to go back to another home in the meantime. You know what? I don't think that's such a good idea."

Olivia's head snapped up. "_What_?"

"No," said Alex quickly. "You misunderstand me. It's – the trial will go a lot easier if Joshua is comfortable and secure. Another foster home would destroy him."

"Mm," agreed Olivia. "You know what? I think the trial will go a lot easier if he's comfortable with us. Maybe –" She hesitated, unsure how to phrase her idea. Finally, she decided to just come out with it. "Maybe he could stay with us in the meantime?"

Alex was silent for a moment, for so long that Olivia feared Alex thought her idea was ridiculous. But finally Alex said, "I think that might be a good idea."

Olivia hardly dared to breathe. "Could you – could you make that happen? Or would it be a conflict of interest?"

"It might be," admitted Alex. "But I can get it taken care of. Don't worry, Liv. It'll work out."

Olivia let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, baby," she whispered. "You have no idea what this means to me."

Alex paused. "We have a lot of child vics, Liv. We can't bring all of them home." She needed to make sure Olivia understood that these were an entirely different – and temporary – set of circumstances.

Olivia nodded. "I know. But this one – this one is different."

They went to bed together, holding each other tightly. Neither one could sleep, both preoccupied with Joshua and the day's events.

Out of thin air, Olivia said, "Sometimes I hated my mother when I was little."

Alex had no idea where this was coming from, but she nodded anyway. "Sometimes she did some things that she shouldn't have done."

"I still hate her sometimes," she confessed in a quiet voice.

"But she gave me you," said Alex gently, kissing Olivia's cheek. "Without her, I wouldn't have you."

"With her, you almost didn't. Do you know how many times she came close to killing me?" Olivia swallowed, than admitted something she'd never admitted to anyone before. "Do you know how many times I wished she had? That was why I lost my faith. Because every day, I wished that God would answer my prayers, and he never did."

"I'm glad He didn't," whispered Alex, hugging Olivia even more closely. "I can't imagine life without you."

The detective sighed, resting her head on Alex's shoulder, and she could see that Olivia was trying not to cry.

"I'm going to tell you a story," said Alex softly. "There was this girl I knew when I was younger. She'd had it pretty rough, maybe more internally than externally, but there you have it. When she was a teenager, she started to hurt herself, because she figured that if she did that no one would be able to hurt her. It didn't work." Alex sighed, suddenly unsure where she was going with this. "The point is, you need to let others help you. You can't try to deal with your pain by yourself, because it won't work. Hurting yourself – physically or emotionally – doesn't make it any better."

Olivia snuggled closer to Alex. "You don't fool me, Cabot," she mumbled.

Alex's breath hitched, but Olivia clearly wasn't focussing on what she had just said. Within minutes, the detective was fast asleep. When she was sure Olivia was no longer awake, she kissed her forehead and murmured, "I hadn't meant to."

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

They went to see Joshua again the next day. This time, the little boy greeted them with a big smile. "Hi, 'Livia. Hi, Alex. Guess what? Nurse Emily says I get to leave tomorrow." Then his face fell. "Did you find another home for me?"

Alex hesitated. "I actually wanted to ask you something about that."

Joshua suddenly started to tremble. "Do I have to go back to Lia and Marcus? Please don't send me back there!"

Alex took Joshua's hands in hers. "No one's going to make you go back there, sweetie."

Joshua nodded, but he still looked afraid.

"We were actually wondering if you wanted to spend a few days with us," said Olivia.

Joshua looked from her to Alex and back. "Really? I can stay with you?"

Olivia smiled. "We'd love to have you."

"Could – could I bring Teddy, too?" asked the little boy, still hardly daring to believe what he was hearing.

"Of course," said Alex quickly.

Then he hesitated. "Would I have to pose for more pictures?"

Alex squeezed Joshua's hand. "No, no. You will never have to do that again, Joshua. We would never, ever hurt you, sweetie. Never. You'll be safe with us. I promise."

"Really?"

Alex managed a sad smile. "Yes, really. Would you like that?"

Joshua wrapped his arms around the ADA and nodded, burying his head in her chest. She hugged him tightly, and finally Joshua said, "Yeah."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. She watched the little boy, who had attached himself to Alex. His shoulders were shaking and he was trembling in Alex's arms, but she knew it wasn't out of sadness or fear. He was just . . . overwhelmed. And that made sense.

He finally sat up and met Olivia's eyes. "That would be good," he murmured.

Olivia took Joshua's hands in hers. "We'll come back to see you tomorrow and then you can come home with us, okay?"

Joshua nodded, eyes wide. "Okay."

Olivia squeezed his hand. "Now we have to get back to work, but we'll see you tomorrow. Bye, Josh."

She got up and glanced at Alex, who was still cradling Joshua in her arms. Olivia smiled and Alex obediently let go of the little boy and followed the detective out of the hospital room. "I don't think we really thought this one through," commented Alex as they took the elevator to the main floor of the hospital. "We need to make up the spare bedroom and clean up the apartment and buy peanut butter sandwiches or something that a five-year-old will eat and –"

"Calm down! He's not really going to care if the apartment isn't immaculate, Alex. _I _don't care if the apartment isn't immaculate."

"I do," said Alex, wringing her hands.

"Cut it with the perfectionism," Olivia told her disapprovingly. "He's five years old, Alex. He's not going to notice, much less than care."

"I like things to be nice," protested Alex.

"They will be," Olivia assured her. "We can make up the spare room for him. It'll be fine. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Breathe."

Alex obediently inhaled deeply and exhaled. "Okay. We're good."

Olivia smiled and wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Just breathe."

Alex nodded and continued to breathe in and out as instructed. "Okay. Crisis evaded." She offered Olivia a shy smile.

"Yeah, doesn't just taking a moment to breathe feel good?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "You're one to talk."

"You know what? When I was younger, I thought I could never meet anyone as uptight as me. I was wrong."

Alex laughed. "You were," she agreed. "When I was little, I thought the same thing. I was right."

They got into Olivia's car and started for the precinct, their conversation drifting back to business. "So we have a solid case against the Dillons?" asked Olivia.

Alex nodded, adjusting her glasses. "Very solid. We have the photos, and the videos they made, and the doctors found evidence of extensive sexual abuse. We'll just need Joshua and Emma to testify. She's a piece of work, but I've been working with her, and I think she'll hold up on the stand, however reluctantly. Joshua, though, is another story. We're going to have to tread very carefully – we don't want to traumatize him – but it's important to make sure that he can talk about what happened without breaking down. I'm going to have to talk to him before we bring him home, actually, otherwise they could say we coached him."

Olivia closed her eyes. "I honestly don't think he'll be able to handle it just yet."

"I agree, but unfortunately, we don't have a choice. Otherwise, anything he says in court will be tainted."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Okay. Tomorrow morning, we'll interview him at the hospital. He trusts us. He'll be okay."

"Why don't I clear it with Petrovsky first, just in case? She's the trial judge, and it's better if she knows what we're going to do before we go to court, so there's no chance of the defence saying we coached him."

"She's not going to be too pleased."

"She'll understand."

"She doesn't like you very much," remarked Olivia. "She threw you in jail once, remember?"

Alex's blue eyes sparkled. "Yes, and if I recall correctly, Donnelly told me I deserved it."

"You did," agreed Olivia. "But there was a sight I never thought I'd see – the formidable Alexandra Cabot behind bars!"

Alex laughed. "Someday, it'll be your turn."

Olivia leaned over to kiss her cheek. "You know, you're even sexier when you're protesting your wrongful imprisonment."

"Don't be getting any ideas." Alex smiled. "Anyway, I'm not the one on trial."

"Fortunately," added Olivia.

"Very fortunately," agreed the ADA. "I'll give her a call – later. I'm not quite in the mood to face Petrovsky's wrath right now."

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

Alex, after getting the go-ahead from both Petrovsky and Donnelly, went with Olivia to the hospital to visit Joshua the next day. They went into his room and he greeted them with a smile. "Hi, Alex. Hi, 'Livia. Do I get to come home with you today?"

Olivia smiled and affectionately tousled his hair. "Yeah, but first, Alex needs to talk to you, okay?"

His brow creased. "How come?"

Alex sat down beside him. "In order to keep you safe, we're going to put Lia and Marcus in prison for a very long time. But before we can do that, you need to tell me exactly what happened. In a few weeks, there's going to be a trial, where the judge is going to decide what happens to them. You're going to have to tell the court what happened, and after you do that, Lia and Marcus will never be able to hurt you again."

Joshua's eyes widened. "Will they be there?"

Alex hesitated. "Yes, but they won't be able to talk to you. The judge is going to be there and she'll keep you safe. And so will I, Joshua. I promise."

"Will you be there?"

Alex nodded. "I'll be with you the entire time. You don't even have to look at them, honey. You can just look at me or at Olivia."

He looked at Olivia. "You'll be there, too?"

Olivia nodded, too. "Of course, sweetie."

"Then I guess it's okay," said Joshua quietly. "And then they won't be able to hurt me anymore?"

"Never," Alex assured him.

He nodded. "Okay."

Olivia gave him a small smile. "I'll be right outside, Josh. Alex is going to talk to you for a bit."

He nodded again, and Olivia left the room.

Alex took a deep breath and moved so she was sitting across from Joshua. "Okay, Joshua. It's just the two of us now. I know this is hard for you, but can you tell me how Marcus and Lia hurt you?"

"Marcus touched my wee-wee and Lia took pictures," said Joshua quietly, lowering his eyes.

"Did they do this once or did they do it more than once?"

"Every day," whispered Joshua.

Alex went over a few more things with him, struggling to control the anger that ignited inside her at Joshua's tale. She dealt with the darkest sides of human nature every day, but that didn't mean that a case like this didn't tug at her heartstrings.

Finally, they were done. Alex managed a small smile of relief, and when she saw the tears brimming in Joshua's eyes, she reached out and hugged him. She usually wasn't very comfortable talking to children, much less than victims who were children, but she knew instinctively what to do with Joshua.

"Should I go get Olivia?" asked Alex, and when the little boy nodded, she opened the door and called Olivia in. "We're done," she told the detective quietly.

Olivia came inside and sat down beside Joshua. She gave him a smile. "Now that we've got that over with, are you ready to come home?"

"You were very brave, Joshua," added Alex, adjusting her glasses.

He looked from the ADA to the detective and back again. "I want to go home with you," he whispered, latching himself onto Alex's neck.

Alex smiled and gently rubbed his back. "Okay." She lifted the little boy onto her hip. "Liv, could you grab Teddy for us? We wouldn't want to forget him."

Olivia smiled again and obediently handed Joshua the stuffed animal. He grinned, showing off his dimples, and hugged the bear to his chest, resting his head on Alex's shoulder. "Will you carry me?"

"Sure," agreed Alex, shifting him in her arms so they would both be more comfortable. She hadn't held a child in years – maybe decades. The last time she could remember carrying a kid was when she'd babysat for the neighbors' little girl when she was fourteen. This was Olivia's forte.

Olivia looked on in amusement, picking up Alex's purse along with her own and holding the door open so they could leave. Olivia signed Joshua out of the hospital, then they got into the elevator and rode down to the main floor. Joshua clung tightly to Alex as they walked outside to the car.

Alex and Olivia had gone out and bought a booster seat yesterday – they'd figured it wouldn't be a good idea for an ADA and a detective to break the law by not having one. Alex lifted Joshua into the booster seat and buckled his seat belt for him. "Do you want us to buckle Teddy in, too, or do you want to hold him?" she asked. When she was child, she'd always wanted her dolls buckled in beside her.

Joshua nodded and offered her a smile. "Yes, please."

Alex obediently reached in and sat the teddy bear down and buckled the seat belt over him. "There we go. Now both of you are safe."

Joshua wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her. "Thank you, Alex."

Alex smiled in spite of herself. Although she knew she really shouldn't, she was quickly warming up to this sweet little boy. She climbed into the passenger seat and let Olivia drive, without argument for once. Apparently, driving was a metaphor for independence, which both women fiercely were.

Olivia quirked an eyebrow as she got into the driver's seat, but she didn't say a word. She started the car and turned on her iPod. "Any requests, Josh?"

He hesitated. "Do you have any Disney songs?"

"Sure. What do you want to listen to?"

"Do you have _The Lion King_?"

Olivia nodded and turned on _I Just Can't Wait to Be King_. She glanced back at Joshua, who was grinning and clapping his hands along with the music.

"This one's my favorite," he told her. "In the movie, it's when baby Simba is trying to distract Zazu so they can go see the hyenas, 'cause he's s'post to take care of them and he won't let them go. I like Zazu best, 'cause he's funny."

Olivia smiled at him through the rear-view mirror. "I like that movie, too, but Nala was always my favorite." Then she glanced at Alex, who hadn't said a word the entire ride. She reached out to take Alex's hand. "You okay, baby?" she murmured.

Alex nodded, giving Olivia's hand a gentle squeeze. She closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of her seat.

Joshua was seemingly unperturbed by the somewhat tense atmosphere and chattered on. "My other favorite Disney movie is Aladdin. Jafar is kinda scary, but I like the magic carpet ride and Jasmine's really pretty. And I like her tiger. What's your favorite Disney movie, 'Livia?"

Olivia thought about it. "I don't know. I like _Lady and the Tramp_, and _101 Dalmatians_, and _Mulan_, and _Tarzan _. . . I don't know."

"What about you, Alex?"

"I like _Alice in Wonderland_," she said. "Have you seen that one?"

Joshua shook his head.

"Maybe we can rent it tonight," suggested Olivia. "How does that sound?"

Joshua grinned. "Cool!"

The little boy had fallen asleep by the time they'd reached Alex and Olivia's apartment. The women looked at each other. "I'll grab the bags," murmured Olivia so as not to wake Joshua. "You take him."

A bit hesitantly, Alex nodded. She opened the back door and lifted Joshua into her arms. He didn't wake up, just shifted to rest his head on her shoulder. He was in that in-between land, halfway between consciousness and sleep.

She carried Joshua into the house and gently lay him down on the bed in the spare room, tucking him in beneath the covers. She set his teddy bear on the pillow beside him. She paused for a moment, then brushed her lips across his forehead before retreating to the living room to go sit with Olivia.

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia was sprawled out on the living room couch, reading a book. Alex climbed onto her lap and Olivia put away the book, wrapping her arms around the ADA's stomach. "Hey, baby," she murmured, kissing Alex's neck. "Are you okay?"

Alex nodded. "I'm fine." She snuggled closer to Olivia, leaning back against her. "I love you, Liv."

Olivia smiled, running a hand through Alex's hair. "I love you, too." She hesitated. "I think it might be good for Joshua to be here. You know, for some stability for the trial. It'll be easier for him."

Alex nodded her concurrence. "I'm actually just glad Petrovsky and Donnelly went along with it."

Olivia flashed Alex a lopsided smile. "Yeah. I thought they might say no just because it was you that was asking!"

Alex pretended to be offended. "Hey!"

"I don't know how you manage to get into more trouble than all the other ADAs combined. I mean, you're really smart and witty and . . . well . . ." She was searching for the right word, but couldn't find it.

"Devious," Alex supplied.

"Yeah, that. Anyway, you should be able to talk your way out of trouble. But you've been suspended and thrown in jail and found in contempt and you constantly get on Petrovsky's bad side because she thinks you bend the law more than you should."

"It's you," responded Alex. "You talk me into doing a lot of stupid things that are unethical and occasionally illegal."

"But with good intentions. For the sake of justice."

"Violating the constitution with good intentions is still a violation," Alex pointed out. "And unfortunately, the law doesn't make that distinction."

"Well, you don't have to do everything I say."

Alex laughed. "If I didn't, you would have stopped asking a long time ago!"

Olivia laughed with her, then got up, causing the ADA to slide off her lap. "I'm going out to get dinner and a movie. Is Italian okay?"

Alex nodded. "Sure."

She smiled to herself as she watched Olivia leave. Maybe having Joshua here wasn't going to be so difficult. In fact, she might even enjoy it. She wasn't usually very comfortable with children – rather, they usually weren't very comfortable with her – but Olivia had taught her over the past few months how to calm herself down, to take a deep breath and relax. And she wasn't particularly nervous. Joshua was a good kid and he seemed to genuinely like her. And she was comfortable with him, which was a start.

She was startled out of her reverie at the sound of screams coming from the spare bedroom. She ran to see what was wrong.

Joshua was thrashing around on the bed, screaming and crying, obviously in the midst of a particularly frightening nightmare. She knew that this happened sometimes with abuse victims, but nothing could have prepared her for the real thing. She didn't know what to do. This was Olivia's forte, not hers.

She turned on the light, then gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed Joshua's flailing limbs, holding them tightly enough that he couldn't hurt himself – or her – but not tightly enough to hurt him. "Joshua," she said as calmly as she could. "You're having a nightmare. It's okay. It's just a bad dream. I'm here." She gently rubbed his back with the hand that wasn't holding him.

The movement seemed to jar him out of his slumber and his eyes flew open, tears streaking down his cheeks. He cringed when he saw Alex and buried his head in his hands.

"Joshua," she said quietly. "It's just me. It's Alex. I'm here. It's okay. You're safe."

He looked up through wide, fear-filled eyes. Then he visibly relaxed when he realized it was just her. "I – I'm s-s-sorry," he whimpered. He climbed onto Alex's lap and buried his head in her chest, wetting her shirt with his tears.

Alex sighed and started to rub soft circles into his back. She was glad that Joshua trusted her enough to be close to her after such a terrible nightmare, but she honestly didn't know how to help him. So she just did what she could. She held him in her arms and rocked him gently. Then she noticed that his teddy bear had fallen on the floor. She picked it up and tucked the bear into the crook of Joshua's arm. "You know what?" she whispered. "Teddy said he missed you."

Joshua kissed the stuffed animal's head and sniffled. "I love you, Teddy." Then he looked up at Alex and snuggled closer to her. "I love you, Alex," he murmured.

That took her breath away. No child had ever said that to her before. Olivia got it all the time, from child vics, from Elliot's children, from the neighbor's kids that she looked after sometimes. But Alex wasn't good with kids. She wasn't a natural like Olivia. But Joshua was different.

What was she doing? She wasn't supposed to get too close, because then letting go would be so much harder in the end. This was _temporary_. It had to be. Joshua couldn't stay with them. It was impossible.

But the way he was hugging her right now – the way he _needed _her right now – melted the Ice Princess' heart. She held him even more tightly and said the words that she knew she shouldn't say, the words that would start her on the path to destruction, but the words she knew Joshua needed to hear. "I love you, too."

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

Joshua and Alex were playing checkers when Olivia got home. She smiled at the sight of them. Joshua had his teddy bear in his lap and he had most of Alex's pieces. "Hey, Liv!" called Alex. "I'm putting up a valiant fight, but I'm failing miserably. This kid is _good_."

Olivia laughed. "Good for you, Josh."

The little boy looked up, his bright blue eyes twinkling. "Hi, 'Livia. Where'd you go?"

Olivia set the bags down in the front hall. "We've got pizza for dinner and I picked up _Alice in Wonderland _if you want to watch it." 

"Okay," agreed Joshua. "Just let me beat Alex first."

Olivia chuckled. "I'll go set the table. You think you'll have beaten her by the time I'm done?"

The little boy nodded and moved one of his pieces to take one of Alex's.

He'd beaten her within minutes and skipped into the kitchen, clutching Alex's hand and grinning. "I beat her," he told Olivia proudly.

Olivia didn't know whether to be surprised that the two of them were holding hands or to be glad that they'd gotten along for an hour or so without her. Or both. She gave Joshua a smile and tousled his hair. "Good job. Do you want cheese or pepperoni?"

Joshua thought about it, then gave her a lopsided smile. "Cheese, please." He laughed and said proudly, "I'm a poet and I don't even know it! That's what Ms. Rhine says when she rhymes something without meaning to."

Olivia handed him a slice of pizza. "Here you go. You can have more after you finish, if you want."

Joshua took a bite. "This is good, 'Livia. Thanks."

Olivia smiled. "Good manners," she approved.

Alex sat down beside Joshua. She reached over and took a piece of pizza herself. "Liv, could you grab me some Perrier?"

"Get it yourself!"

"You're closer," said Alex, then batted her eyelashes. "Please, Liv."

Olivia sighed theatrically, then grinned. "All right, all right." She handed Alex the Perrier bottle.

"Do you want some?" Alex asked Joshua.

"What is it?" he asked, wrinkling his nose.

Alex laughed. "It's carbonated – bubbly – water. Do you want me to pour you a little bit and you can try it and see if you like it?"

"Yes, please." He held out his glass, and Alex poured him some Perrier. He took a sip and swallowed, then looked up with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Do you like it?" asked Alex.

Joshua seemed to be considering. Finally, he said, "I don't know. Can I have a bit more?"

Alex smiled and poured him a little bit more.

He took a sip again, then decided, "I think I like it. May I please have some more?"

Alex poured him half a glass. "You asked very nicely," she told him, and he smiled, resting his head on her shoulder.

Olivia watched them for a moment, trying to discern exactly what was going on. Joshua had only known Alex for two days and already he was this comfortable with her. She made a mental note to ask Alex about it later, although she knew that this wasn't by any means a bad thing.

After dinner, Joshua got into his pajamas and they watched _Alice in Wonderland_. Joshua curled up on the couch between them, clutching his teddy bear and sucking his thumb. He rested his head in Alex's lap and Olivia gently rubbed his back.

Joshua started to doze off halfway through the movie, floating in and out of consciousness. When the movie was finished, Joshua murmured, "Alex? I'm tired. Will you carry me?"

"Careful, Alex," joked Olivia, winking at Joshua. "Or he'll be wanting you to carry him everywhere!"

Joshua held out his arms and Alex smiled, obediently lifting him into her arms and balancing him on her hip. He rested his head on her shoulder and stuck his thumb back in his mouth as Alex carried him to the spare room. She set him gently on the bed and tucked him under the covers, laying his teddy bear down beside him. She brushed her lips across his forehead. "Goodight, honey," she murmured.

Joshua grabbed onto Alex's hand. "Alex, will you stay with me? Just till I fall asleep."

"Sure."

Olivia knelt down to give Joshua a kiss. "'Night, Josh. Sweet dreams."

"'Night, 'Livia," he whispered, snuggling closer to Alex.

"I'll be there in a bit, Liv," Alex told Olivia in a low voice.

Olivia nodded and left the room.

"Alex," said Joshua quietly once Olivia had left. "I'm glad I'm here with you."

Alex smiled wanly. "I'm glad you're here with us, too."

"I love you, Alex."

She wondered for a moment if he understood the meaning of such a proclamation, but then she realized that he probably had a deeper understanding of the words than she did. "I love you, too," she replied. Another nail in her coffin. She was never going to be able to give this sweet little boy up and she knew it.

He seemed satisfied with this and shifted to get more comfortable. Alex gently rubbed the little boy's back until finally, Joshua fell asleep.

She waited a few moments before kissing his forehead and going to her bedroom, where Olivia was waiting in bed for her. "Took you long enough," she said dryly.

Alex just sighed. "It took him awhile to get to sleep."

Olivia heard the hesitation in the ADA's tone. "And?"

Alex buried her head in her hands. "He said he loved me."

Olivia gave her a wan smile. "That's a good thing. It means he trusts you. I'm surprised, actually, but it's good that he feels comfortable with you. He's going to have to be comfortable with you for the trial. What's wrong with that?"

Alex rested her head on Olivia's stomach and closed her eyes. "I told him I loved him, too."

There was silence for a moment and then Olivia said, "Oh."

Alex winced. "I know." She hesitated. "Was that so wrong?"

Olivia thought for a moment. "Was it true?"

Alex sighed again and nodded.

"Then how could it be wrong?"

"We're giving him false hope. It's only going to hurt him when we have to give him up."

Olivia didn't say anything.

"We can't keep him," said Alex.

Olivia was silent for a few more moments. "Why not?"

"Because – because –" Alex was at a loss. Why not, indeed?

"Don't you want to, Alex? He loves you and you love him. It would be a good thing to do."

"Liv, it's been one day. He might hate us in a week – or we might decide that we have no idea what to do with a kid. For once in your life, think something through before making a decision!"

Olivia looked offended. "I have. You two have some kind of connection. I don't know what it is, or why, but you do. He needs you. He needs _us_. We can do this, Alex."

Alex looked at Olivia. "We can," she finally conceded. "It _would _be good for him."

Olivia smiled and caressed Alex's cheek. "And for you."

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia and Alex both started awake in the middle of the night to the patter of tiny footsteps. They exchanged glances, and Olivia sighed. "Do you want to go see what he's up to or should I?"

"I will," said Alex. "He'll probably be more comfortable." She planted a chaste kiss on Olivia's lips and climbed out of bed. "I'll be back in a minute."

Joshua, clad in a different pair of pajamas than he'd been wearing last night, was in the laundry room, loading his duvet and sheets into the wash. He was standing on his tiptoes so he'd be able to reach and he was sniffling.

Alex approached the little boy slowly, so as not to startle him. "What are you doing, honey?"

He jumped and began to tremble at the sight of her. "I'm sorry," he whimpered, cringing.

Then she saw the damp spot on his sheets and understood. "Hey, it's okay, Joshy. It's okay. It happens sometimes." She held out her arms, but he flinched and stepped back.

"I – I didn't mean to," he whispered, looking at the ground and dropping the sheets. "Are you mad?"

"No, of course not," Alex assured him, picking up the bedding and putting it in the washing machine. "It's okay, honey." She turned on the washing machine. "I'll change your sheets for you. We have spare ones in the linen closet."

His wide eyes darted up to meet hers. "You're not going to spank me?"

Alex took a deep breath and knelt down so they were at eye-level. "No, honey. I would never hurt you, and neither would Olivia. And this wasn't your fault. It just happens sometimes, and it's okay."

This time when she opened her arms, he ran into them and wrapped his arms around Alex, holding her tightly. "Don't tell 'Livia," he whispered. "Please."

"Okay," agreed Alex. "It'll be just between the two of us."

Joshua nodded, burying his head in her shoulder.

Alex took Joshua's hand and led him back to the spare room. She located some new sheets and put them on the bed. She tucked Joshua in and laid his teddy bear down beside him.

"Stay with me, Allie," whispered Joshua, holding out his arms to her.

Alex smiled, touched at the nickname. She lay down beside the little boy and wrapped an arm around him. "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite."

Joshua grinned. "There are no bedbugs!"

"Not here," agreed Alex. She kissed his forehead. "Goodnight."

He rested his head on her shoulder and yawned. "'Night."

Within minutes, they were both asleep.

* * *

Olivia woke up in the morning to find Alex's side of the bed empty. She sighed, figuring Joshua had had a particularly bad nightmare and Alex had stayed with him. She padded toward the spare bedroom and found the door ajar. Then she smiled at the heartwarming sight that awaited her. Alex had her arms wrapped around Joshua and his head was resting on her shoulder. Olivia noticed that the sheets and Joshua's pajamas had been changed, but she wasn't going to comment. Both of them were asleep.

Joshua's eyes fluttered open as Olivia approached the bed. She put her fingers to her lips and murmured, "Hey, Josh. Let's let Alex sleep, okay? Do you want some pancakes for breakfast?"

He nodded and carefully extricated himself from Alex's embrace. "Do you have chocolate chips?"

Olivia nodded and held out her hand. They walked to the kitchen together, and Joshua perched on a chair while Olivia rummaged around for the chocolate chips.

"Do you want to be my helper?" asked the detective. Joshua nodded again, and Olivia handed him an egg. "Can you crack this for me?"

He expertly cracked the egg on the counter and dumped it into the mixing bowl with the pancake mix. They added milk and chocolate chips and Olivia let Joshua mix the batter, before she put the pancakes on the stove.

They were done cooking within ten minutes and Olivia arranged the pancakes on three different plates. She handed one to Joshua and poured him a glass of chocolate milk. She leaned toward him and whispered conspiratorially, "Do you want to give Alex breakfast in bed?"

Joshua grinned and nodded. "Can I bring it in for her?"

"If you're careful," agreed Olivia, handing Joshua a plate and a napkin. She poured Alex a glass of orange juice and followed the little boy into the spare bedroom.

Alex was still sound asleep, so Joshua pounced on the bed to wake her up. She rubbed her eyes and reached for her glasses, which of course weren't in the room, which made Olivia laugh.

"Hey, princess," she said, smiling at Alex. "Did you sleep well?"

Joshua handed her the plate of pancakes. "We made you pancakes. I helped." He grinned and snuggled close to her. "They're chocolate chip."

Alex tousled his hair. "Thank you, Joshy."

Olivia smiled. She'd been right last night about Alex being good for Joshua, and vice versa. She handed Alex the glass of orange juice and kissed her cheek. "For you, babe."

Alex took a bite of a pancake. "These are good," she told Joshua. "You, my friend, are a very good cook."

Joshua giggled, resting his head on Alex's shoulder.

She smiled at him. "When you do that, I can't eat this delicious breakfast you made for me!"

Joshua sat up. "Okay." He bounced on the bed. "Can we play checkers again when you're done?"

"Sure. I want a rematch! I bet you can't beat me twice."

"I'll bet he can," said Olivia. She smiled at Joshua. "I have faith in you."

Joshua looked proud of himself. "I have faith in me, too."

Alex smiled at him. "We'll see."

Alex finished her breakfast and Olivia offered to clean up. "You guys can have your rematch."

"Yeah!" said Joshua enthusiastically. He grabbed the checkers game and started to set it up. "I call red."

Joshua won and Alex sighed theatrically, giving him a high five. "You are a five-year-old checkers mastermind, do you know that?"

Joshua giggled and patted Alex's head. "Don't worry. I'll let you win next time."

Alex laughed. "I concede. You are the champion."

He curled up in her lap and stuck his thumb in his mouth. "Alex?" he murmured.

"Yes, honey?"

He leaned against her. "I'm having fun."

She smiled wanly and gave him a squeeze. "Me, too."

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

Awhile later, Olivia came into the spare room. "Hey, I have an idea. Do you want to go to the library?"

"Okay," agreed Joshua.

"Sure," said Alex. "Just let me shower first."

Olivia lifted Joshua off the bed. "Come on. Let's give Alex a few minutes to shower."

"Okay," said the little boy. He grinned at Alex and gave her a wave. "Bye, Allie," he said sweetly, letting Olivia lead him out of the room.

Olivia smiled and sat down in the family room with Joshua. "Do you know how to play Crazy Eights?"

Joshua shook his head, and Olivia taught him the game.

Alex came out half an hour later, her wet hair pulled into a messy ponytail. Joshua looked up and smiled at her. "I beat 'Livia," he said proudly.

Alex gave him a high five. "Good for you. You're just the games master, aren't you?"

Joshua nodded. "Yup."

Alex slung her purse over her shoulder. "Are we ready to go?"

Olivia nodded and helped Joshua to him feet. "Yup." She grabbed her purse and took Joshua's hand.

They walked out to the car and Olivia lifted Joshua into his car seat and buckled him in. she got into the driver's seat and Alex climbed into the passenger seat.

Olivia drove them to the public library. They parked the car and Alex helped Joshua out of his booster seat. He clung to her hand as they went inside.

Olivia went to return some books she and Alex had checked out a few weeks ago and Alex took Joshua to the children's section. "Do you know who my favorite author was when I was your age?" asked Alex. "I loved Dr. Seuss."

Joshua grinned. "Me, too! Let's go find a book."

Alex found them _Oh, The Places You'll Go_. She curled up in an armchair with Joshua on her lap and started to read to him. "_Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!_" Joshua snuggled closer to her, and they shared a smile. Alex continued to read. "_You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose._"

"Hey, can I join the party?"

Alex and Joshua both looked up to see Olivia standing a few feet away. Alex smiled and moved over to make room for the detective. She went back to the book. "_Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you_."

She finished up with the book and put it away. They checked out _The Cat In The Hat_, _Stephanie's Ponytail_, and _How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?_

They went out for lunch and played mini-golf before they went home. Joshua didn't know how to play, so Alex and Olivia taught him, and he had a great time.

* * *

That evening, Olivia and Alex cuddled with Joshua before bed and Olivia read _The Cat In The Hat_. Alex stayed with him until he fell asleep, then she went back to her own bedroom and lay down beside Olivia, who was still awake and wrapped an arm around the ADA.

"He's really warmed up to you," commented the detective.

Alex sighed. "We've got to plead his foster parents out. Aggravated sexual abuse, producing and possession of child pornography. Ten to twenty."

Olivia stared at her. "_Why_?"

"Because Joshua can't testify, and without him, we've got no case."

"Why can't he testify?"

"The defense already filed a motion to suppress because his testimony would be tainted, and frankly, do we really want to do that to him?"

Olivia sighed, too. "Okay. I guess it would be easier – for him and us – if he didn't have to testify."

"I'm only thinking of his best interests."

Olivia kissed Alex's cheek and ran a hand through her hair. "Will they take the deal?"

Alex nodded. "Did you realize that we're talking business in bed?"

Olivia smiled and kissed her again. "You initiated the conversation, babe."

Alex snuggled closer to the detective. "Today was a good day," she remarked.

"Mm, it was," agreed Olivia. "He's a good kid."

Alex sighed. "We can't keep him. I wish we could, but we can't."

"We could adopt him. You could get it taken care of, I know you could. We could certainly keep him."

Alex smiled ruefully. "If only I could see the world through your eyes. Not everything is black and white, Liv, and not everything is as easy as it sounds. I'm not a superhero and I'm not a magician. I can't just magically make things happen."

"Well, why not?"

"The thing is, neither of us are particularly good adoptive parent material. We both work long, unpredictable hours in high-risk jobs, and adopting a child can take years. We would be rejected."

"You could pull a few strings. You could ask your uncle for a favor."

"Working with you, I've used up all my favors! I owe _other _people favors."

"Well, this is important. You can owe one more person one more favor."

"Olivia. You're not listening to me."

Olivia gave her a wan smile and stroked Alex's hair. "You love him, Alex."

The fire drained from her eyes. "I do."

"So why are you fighting this?"

Alex sighed. "Liv, we can't do this for every child vic that breaks our heart."

"He's different, Alex. He's special."

"Liv, they all are."

"Do you really want to get rid of the only happiness he's ever known? Do you really want to say, 'Hey, we were just teasing you these past few days. We've showed you what real love it but now you're not going to get any. You're going to your seventeenth home in five years where you'll be beaten and molested and abused –'"

"You don't know that!"

"We both know the state of the foster care in this country. It's reprehensible. Should we really let this little boy fall through the cracks?"

Alex sighed and shook her head. "No, Liv. We shouldn't." She rolled over so her back was to Olivia.

The detective seemed to realize that maybe she'd been too harsh, and she gently rubbed Alex's back. "You okay, princess?"

Alex nodded. She knew why this meant so much to Olivia, and it meant a lot to her for the same reason. They both wished they'd had someone to love them during their own childhoods, someone to save them from the nightmares that were their lives, someone to show them what love truly was. But they'd found it now. And that was what mattered.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

They both had to work tomorrow, even though it was Saturday, so they needed to find somewhere for Joshua to stay that was both safe and affordable. That was no easy feat. It was just for one day – they had Sunday off and on Monday, Joshua could go back to school – but still, they had a problem.

Finally, Olivia decided that they had a neighbor they could trust who lived a few doors down. Janice Andre was elderly, but Alex and Olivia both knew her well, and she had three children and eight grandchildren and she would be a viable option.

Joshua woke them around six by pouncing on their bed and nestling between them. He planted a sloppy kiss on Olivia's cheek and said, "'Morning, Livvy."

She smiled at the nickname and wrapped her arms around him but put a finger to her lips. "Shh, honey. Let Alex sleep."

He ignored her and sat up, petting Alex's hair. "Sleeping Beauty needs her rest," Joshua said in a loud whisper.

Olivia couldn't suppress her smile. "It's six in the morning. You can stay in here with us if you're quiet, or we can go have breakfast and play a game if you'd prefer."

He lay back down again and snuggled close to Olivia. "I'll be quiet," he promised.

* * *

Alex woke up to find a small, warm body fitted against hers and she smiled. Twinkling blue eyes met hers and Joshua whispered, "Hi."

"Good morning, Joshy," she said softly, not wanting to wake Olivia if she was still sleeping.

He gave her a lopsided grin. "Did I wake you?"

She shook her head.

"Good, 'cause 'Livia told me not to."

Alex peered over Joshua's body to see Olivia, who had fallen back asleep. "Do you want to get some breakfast?"

"Yeah," agreed Joshua.

They climbed out bed and went into the kitchen. "Do you want some cereal?"

"Do we have Lucky Charms?"

Alex rummaged around in the cupboard for the cereal, glad that they'd gone shopping for kid-friendly food. "Got it," she said, holding up the box triumphantly.

Joshua clapped his hands and grinned, and Alex fixed him a bowl of Lucky Charms and handed it to the little boy. He carefully carried it to the table and set it down. "Aren't you gonna have some?"

Alex smiled and shook her head. "No, thanks. But I think I will make Olivia a cup of coffee so she won't be grumpy when she wakes up."

Joshua giggled. "She said _you _were the one who got grumpy if you didn't get your beauty sleep."

Alex pretended to be insulted. "Well, that is _definitely_ not the case."

"That definitely _is _the case," said a voice from behind them, and Alex and Joshua both turned around to find Olivia standing in the doorway.

Joshua ran to give her a hug. "'Morning, 'Livia,"

Alex handed her a cup of coffee. "Your morning dosage of caffeine, Madame."

Olivia took the cup and downed it in one gulp. "Ah, the medicine to start my day!"

Alex laughed. "You're setting a bad example."

Olivia shrugged and lifted Joshua onto her hip. "Am I setting a bad example?" she asked him, and he giggled and shook his head.

Alex tsk-tsked. "You're incorrigible," she told Olivia, then to Joshua, she said, "Come finish your breakfast, okay? Olivia and I have to work this morning, but we're going to drop you off with a friend of ours and she'll take care of you until we get home."

Joshua's eyes widened and he clung tightly to Olivia, sticking his thumb in his mouth. He didn't say anything, but Olivia understood anyway. "She won't hurt you, Josh," the detective promised. "She's a friend of ours and she'll play checkers with you and you can beat her just like you beat Alex. And you have my phone number if you need anything at all."

He nodded, but he still looked a bit fearful. "Can I bring Teddy with me?"

"Of course," Olivia assured him.

"Okay," he said, even though he still looked uncertain.

Olivia set him down on the floor and he went back to his cereal.

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances as Olivia poured herself another cup of coffee. Alex wasn't hungry, but she had a banana anyway, because she knew she'd be hungry in an hour or so when she got to court.

They got Joshua dressed and ready and delivered him to Mrs. Andre's apartment. He still looked a bit apprehensive, but he gave Alex and Olivia each a hug and a kiss and went with their neighbor with no further theatrics. Alex didn't know if that made it better or worse.

She pled the Dillons out that day, and it was easier than even she had expected. They immediately took the deal, and even though she'd wanted to put both of them away for life, she recognized that this was the best deal for everyone involved. They would go to prison for a significantly long period of time and Joshua wouldn't have to testify. That eliminated both the potential conflict of interest and the potential trauma that testifying might cause Joshua.

After that, she felt that she needed to cool down, so she started to research the steps they would need to take to adopt Joshua. It actually wouldn't be as difficult as she'd originally thought. Yes, she could pull some strings. She had friends who worked at ACS and they could help her. It seemed overwhelming at first, but it could definitely be done. It was important to her and Olivia, but more significantly, it was important to Joshua, and so she would do it.

Alex resisted the urge to call Olivia and tell her the news, because she didn't want to get Olivia's hopes up before they were sure this would happen.

Olivia picked her up from the DA's office after work. When they got back to their apartment, they went to get Joshua from Mrs. Andre's.

Surprisingly, he was fine. He was playing Go Fish with Mrs. Andre and ran to give Alex and Olivia hugs when they arrived, while their neighbor looked on, a smile on her face. "Enjoy it while you can, Olivia," she said as the detective lifted Joshua into her arms. "My boys didn't want to be anywhere near their parents by the time they started first grade."

"Mm," agreed Olivia, kissing Joshua's head. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah," he replied. "We watched _The Lion King _and we played Go Fish and I beat Janice at checkers three times. And we went to the park and I played on the swings and we played basketball."

"Sounds like you had quite a busy day," she commented, shifting him on her hip. She gave Mrs. Andre a smile. "Thanks for looking after him." She paid Mrs. Andre and they went back to their apartment.

* * *

That evening as Alex put Joshua to bed, she asked, "Joshua? How would you feel about staying with us for good?"

"You mean, like forever?" he questioned, eyes wide.

Alex nodded. "Would you like that?"

Joshua nodded enthusiastically. He wrapped his arms around Alex's neck and kissed her cheek. "That would be good," he whispered.

The corners of Alex's lips crinkled into a smile and she gave him a hug. "Goodnight, Joshy."

Joshua shifted to get more comfortable and pulled his teddy bear into his arms. "'Night, Allie. I love you."

"I love you, too," said Alex softly as she closed his bedroom door. It was getting easier and easier to say those words.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

And that was that. It took a lot of work, but Alex and Olivia managed to adopt Joshua within six months, which was practically unheard of in New York City. But being a detective and an ADA– and being a Cabot – had its advantages. Alex's family had money and connections, and both police officers and lawyers were very well-respected in the community.

Today was Joshua's sixth birthday party. They were going to see a movie, primarily because Joshua had wanted to, but also because Olivia and Alex thought it would be easier to take care of fifteen kindergarteners when they were occupied with a movie. They were going to have a party with Joshua's friends in the afternoon and they were inviting over some of their friends (who were Joshua's friends by default) for dinner – Elliot, Kathy, the Stabler kids, Fin, John, Abbie, and Serena. They didn't want to overdo it, but they wanted to make it a very special day for Joshua.

Alex and Olivia had gone out the week before to buy loot bags and decorations for the party, and also gifts for Joshua. They'd probably gone over the top with gifts, but they both knew he'd never really been given anything for his birthday before, and he deserved them. They'd bought him a game of dinosaur checkers, a Nintendo DS and two games for it, the new _Transformers _movie, a Robert Munsch book, and two Disney puzzles.

That morning, he bounded into their bedroom and jumped on the bed, snuggling between Alex and Olivia. He did this every morning, and usually they let him stay as long as he was quiet and still so they could sleep a little longer, but this morning they woke up right away. "Happy birthday, Joshy," said Alex, rummaging for her glasses and putting them on before wrapping her arms around Joshua and kissing his forehead.

Olivia hugged him too, then lifted him up and twirled him around, which he loved. Joshua giggled helplessly. "You're getting heavy," commented Olivia. "Soon you're going to be too big for me to do this."

Joshua shook his head. "Uh uh. Never!"

Alex smiled as she watched the two of them. She knew in the back of her mind that she should probably be nervous about the way Olivia lifted him and swung him around, but she trusted Olivia more than she trusted anyone else in the entire world and she knew that she would keep their son safe. Their _son_.

They made him chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and, as a special treat, they let Joshua eat in the living room while watching _Aladdin _as long as he promised to be very careful and not make a mess.

* * *

Joshua bounced off walls all day in his anticipation for his party. "I never had a birthday party before," he explained to Alex. "Today is gonna be the best day ever!"

Finally, it was time to go. Alex buckled Joshua into his booster seat and they drove to the movie theater.

Four of Joshua's friends were already there and he immediately let go of Alex's hand and ran to them. "Hi, Maura! Hi, Jenny! Hi, Mark! Hi, Daniel!" he exclaimed as they handed them his gifts.

"What do you say?" Olivia prompted, and Joshua immediately said,

"Thank you."

Alex took the gifts and carried them out to the car. "You can open them at home," she told Joshua, and luckily he was too occupied with his friends to be upset.

They ordered popcorn for all of the kids and waited for the rest of Joshua's friends to arrive, which they did within minutes. Now Alex and Olivia had fifteen hyper kindergarteners on their hands, and they realized that they hadn't fully appreciated how difficult this was going to be. They managed to shepherd the children into the movie theater and get them seated before handing out the popcorn. Hopefully, these kids had long attention spans.

The movie passed by with relative calmness, all things considered. Joshua sat between Alex and one of his friends, and he rested his head on the ADA's shoulder partway through the movie, which made her smile.

When the movie was over, they managed to take everyone out of the movie theater, and as they waited for their parents to pick them up, Joshua looked up at Alex and said, "This has been the best day of my whole life!"

Alex knelt down so they were eye level. "Well, you still have one more party."

"Yeah. And we're gonna see Elliot and Abbie and Serena and Fin – oh, and John. He's funny!"

"And if I recall correctly, we still haven't given you your gifts yet."

A bit of the old fear that they hadn't seen in months flashed in Joshua's eyes. "My gifts?"

Alex noticed and said quietly, "Yes. Remember what I told you about gifts?"

Joshua nodded and recited, "When you give me a gift, you don't except me to give you anything back. You're just giving it to me because you love me." His face relaxed into a sheepish smile. "I know."

Alex hugged him. "Good."

**Review to find out what happens at the party in chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

They went home and they sat Joshua down in the family room. "Do you want to open your friend's gifts first or ours?" asked Olivia, and when Joshua shrugged, she decided, "Let's open your friend's gifts first."

She handed him a gift and instead of ripping it open, he carefully removed the wrapping paper. He read the card and handed it to Alex. "Jamie got this one for me." He smiled when he saw it. "Cool! It's an _Aladdin _computer game."

He was enamored with all of his friend's gifts and Alex wrote down who had given him what so they could write thank-you notes. Then she handed Joshua the first present from them.

He opened it and grinned when he saw what it was. "A DS! I wanted one of these!" He gave Alex a hug. "Thank you, Allie." Then he hugged Olivia. "Thank you, Livvy."

Olivia smiled. "You're welcome, sweetie." She handed him the next gift.

Joshua's eyes darted up to meet hers. "There's more?"

Olivia nodded. "Open it," she encouraged.

He looked at Alex, who nodded, and then he unwrapped the next gift. He gasped when he saw what it was. "Cool! _Transformers_!"

They went through this same process with all of Joshua's gifts, and by the time he'd opened everything, he was ecstatic. In an attempt to wind Joshua down, Alex cleaned up the wrapping paper and turned on the _Transformers _movie. He happily laid his head in her lap as they waited for the dinner guests to arrive.

The doorbell rang around 5:00 and Joshua jumped up and ran to the door. "Wait, Joshy," Alex called. "Ask who it is first."

"Who is it?" asked Joshua.

"It's Elliot," he said.

"And me and Lizzie and Kathleen and Maureen!" piped up a second voice that made Joshua's face break into a smile.

"Hi, Dickie!" he called, standing on his tiptoes to unlock the door.

All six of the Stablers were standing in the doorway, holding more gifts for Joshua. They handed the presents to Alex and said, "Happy birthday," to Joshua.

"We're watching _Transformers_," he said. "Do you want to watch?"

The kids went to watch the movie with Joshua and Kathy went into the kitchen to help Olivia with dinner. Alex and Elliot sat down in the dining room and chatted.

"So, I see you're still alive," said Elliot dryly.

Alex smiled. "Mostly thanks to Olivia."

"Go figure. I don't envy you having to deal with fifteen caffeinated kids, but then, we do it four times every year."

"I would have thought you'd only do it three times a year."

Elliot shook his head. "The twins have decided that they want their own birthday parties now because they're growing up and they like different things. I get where they're coming from, but . . ."

Alex laughed. "I would pity you, except I'm sure that deep down you enjoy these gatherings."

"I'm sure," said Elliot sarcastically. "Is Josh having a good day?"

She nodded. "The best."

Elliot gave her an approving nod. "You're doing a good thing, Alex. A really good thing."

"Well," she said modestly. "It was really Olivia's idea."

"Still. He really loves you. Both of you."

Alex smiled. "He's a good kid. We love him."

Elizabeth scampered into the room a moment later and climbed onto Elliot's lap. "Alex, there's someone at the door."

Abbie and Serena arrived minutes apart, and Fin and John got there soon after. They all came bearing gifts for Joshua and he gave each of them a hug.

They had spaghetti and garlic bread with dinner and afterward, Olivia brought out the cake. It was a gold medal ribbon ice cream cake, Joshua's favorite, and it had Bumblebee, who was Joshua's favorite Transformer, on the front.

Joshua gasped when he saw the cake and couldn't stop grinning. He turned to Alex, who was sitting beside him. "For me?"

Alex squeezed his hand and nodded. "It's gold medal ribbon."

He wrapped his arms around her neck and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, Allie," he said sweetly.

Elliot caught her eye, amusement written all over his face, and mouthed, _Allie_?

_Shut up_, she mouthed back, but her baby blues twinkled with mirth.

Olivia set the cake down in front of Joshua and they sang _Happy Birthday_. He blew out the candles on the first try and Olivia helped him cut the cake. She gave him the first piece, then passed out the rest of the cake.

Joshua grinned up at Alex. "This is good!"

She smiled back. "Thank Olivia. She picked it out."

Joshua gave Olivia his most winning smile. "Thank you, 'Livia."

"Hey, keep that smile!" called Olivia, holding up her camera.

Alex wrapped her arm around Joshua and Olivia snapped the picture.

They took enough pictures that night to fill the entire memory card. Most of them were silly, because Olivia let Elizabeth use the camera and she took a bunch of pictures of stuffed animals, and the carpet, and of herself in the mirror, and so on, but some of them were true gems.

By the time the last guest left, Joshua was worn out and he'd fallen asleep on Alex's lap. She carried him into the bedroom and got him into his pajamas while Olivia cleaned up, even though Alex had offered to do so. She set Joshua gently on the bed and tucked him in, kissing his cheek and laying his teddy bear beside him.

"Alex," murmured Joshua as he rolled onto his side, still half-asleep. "This has been the best day of my life."

**Review for chapter fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

**I know you're all going to hate me for this, but this next part takes place during **_**Loss**_**. A bit A/U, especially when it comes to the timeline.**

Alex was in the process of securing the detectives a warrant to search Rafael Zapata's yacht a few weeks later when she got the call from Joshua's school. Her heart immediately started to race as she answered her phone with a crisp, "Cabot."

"Hi, Ms. Cabot? This is Joshua's teacher, Angela Rhinehart. Would you and Ms. Benson mind coming down here? We need to talk."

"Sure." Alex's mind was working a million miles a minute, trying to figure out what this could be about. "Is he okay?"

"Yes, he's fine," Ms. Rhinehart assured Alex. "I just think there's something we need to discuss."

"Okay. We'll be there in twenty minutes," said Alex, then hung up, trying to figure out what this was about. She hoped it didn't have to do with the adoption . . . or their marital status (or lack thereof). Ms. Rhinehart had been surprisingly open and accommodating from the start.

She called Olivia, who said she would meet Alex at Joshua's school in twenty minutes. Alex hailed a cab and met Olivia in front of the school. "What do you think this about?" asked Olivia.

Alex just shrugged. "He isn't hurt or anything. We'll find out in a few minutes."

They went to Joshua's kindergarten classroom. The bell had rung and parents were picking up their children. Joshua greeted Alex and Olivia with a smile when they arrived. Alex gave him a once over. He looked fine.

She knelt down and gave him a hug. "How was your day, Joshy?"

He shrugged. "Good. We did connect-the-dots and I made a ladybug."

Nothing seemed off about his demeanor. She stood back up and looked at Ms. Rhinehart. "What's this about?"

"Joshua, could you start to get ready, please?" asked his teacher, then beckoned to Alex and Olivia when Joshua started to pack up his bag. They sat down and waited for what she had to say. "It's not really a huge deal, but I think the two of you might need to have a conversation with him about what is appropriate to say at school and what isn't. It's not really my business what goes on in your house as long as Joshua's safe, and I know he is, but there are some things that he shouldn't be repeating to his classmates."

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances. "Like what?"

Ms. Rhinehart shifted, clearly uncomfortable. "He asked to go to the washroom today a few minutes before recess and I told him to wait because recess was in a few moments. He said the only other place they restricted washroom use was in S&M clubs. It isn't my business how he came to possess this knowledge, and while it's amusing, it is not appropriate for him to repeat these things at school."

Alex looked at Olivia, an expression of confusion on her face. Then the understanding hit her at the same time as it hit Olivia. "Munch," they said in unison. Then they burst out laughing.

Ms. Rhinehart stared at them. "I just think it's a conversation you should probably have with him."

Alex struggled to regain her composure. "Thank you for bringing this to our attention," she said, unable to suppress her smile. "We'll talk to him."

Ms. Rhinehart nodded and stood up. "Thank you."

Alex went back to Joshua, who'd finished packing up and was watching her expectantly. She took his hand and they went out to the car.

"We need to tell Munch to be careful what he says within the earshot of our son," said Olivia in an undertone, although she was still smirking. Joshua was parroting something he'd heard John say when they were at the precinct a few days ago, when he was going off on another conspiracy tangent.

When they got home, they sat down with Joshua in the family room. He looked from one to the other with trepidation written all over his face. "Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?"

Alex shook her head and took Joshua's hand in hers. "No, Joshy. We just wanted to talk to you about something you said at school today."

"About going to the washroom?"

Alex nodded, then paused, unsure how to explain this. How could she make him understand that it's okay for adults to say some things but it's not okay for kids to repeat them? "There are some things that adults say – especially some things that John says – that aren't appropriate for you to repeat, especially at school. Do you know what an S&M club is, Joshua?" Then she realized that she probably shouldn't have asked the question. For all she knew, he did.

But Joshua shook his head and Alex continued,

"So let's make it a rule that we shouldn't say things if we're not one hundred percent sure what they mean, okay?"

Joshua nodded. "Okay," he agreed," then offered, "I'm sorry."

Alex kissed his head. "Okay."

* * *

The next morning when they got to the precinct, Olivia was ready to give John an earful. She marched over to him, Alex at her heels, and snapped, "You have to be careful what you say around our kid."

He looked genuinely confused. "What did I say?"

"About S&M clubs," she reminded him.

John smirked. "Oh, that. He heard that?"

"He's very perceptive," replied Alex. "He picked that up from Liv."

"So what happened?"

"He said it to his teacher," Olivia informed him.

"And the blame rests solely on your shoulders," added Alex.

"But it's true! It's ridiculous how they think –" he started, but Olivia cut him off.

"We don't need to know. Apologize and move on."

"Sorry," he said, but there was no real contrition in his tone. "You just need a scapegoat, Olivia."

Olivia shrugged. She didn't even bother to deny it.

"Hey," called Elliot, coming up behind them. "Alex, aren't you arraigning Zapata in ten minutes?"

Alex glanced at her watch and her eyes went wide. "Shit! Petrovsky will kill me!"

Olivia smirked. "I'm coming with you. That's a sight I've got to see."

They scampered, and Alex made it to the courtroom exactly twenty-six seconds early. She was out of breath, but she was there, and she adjusted her glasses and tried to calm her racing heart as Judge Petrovsky, looking slightly disappointed that she wouldn't be able to hold Alex in contempt for her lateness, asked for the defendant's plea.

"Not guilty," said Zapata.

Judge Petrovsky peered at Alex over her glasses. "Ms. Cabot."

Alex took a deep breath and tried to speak without panting. "The defendant is a Colombian national with known ties to major drug organizations. He has unlimited resources at his disposal and we consider him a flight risk. We request remand, Your Honor."

His lawyer, Lionel Granger, looked furious. "My client has never been charged with anything related to drug trafficking. And I consider the People's baseless accusations slanderous and bigoted."

The judge rolled her eyes. "Noted, Mr. Granger. But I'd really like to hear your thoughts on the matter of bail."

"Mr. Zapata is a respected business and family man. He has no intention of fleeing this jurisdiction and is willing to turn over his passport for the pendency of the case," said Granger.

Alex really wanted to get this taken care of. She had ten thousand things she needed to do today and she didn't have time for this. "The defendant has among his assets a Gulfstream jet, Your Honor, as well as personal airstrips in the Caribbean and South America. Turning over his passport is a meaningless gesture," she snapped.

Granger looked outraged. "He is blessed with wealth, so he must be guilty? He has a clean record, Your Honor."

Judge Petrovsky clearly shared Alex's views about wasting time, because she said, "And his passport won't be the only thing he turns over. Bail is set at $5 million. Next case."

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	15. Chapter 15

**I have a question for anyone who might potentially know the answer, but it's completely unrelated to the story, so you can skip ahead if you like. I was trying to order online the "Fearlessness" necklace from Mariska's charity (obsessed? who, me?) and I'm in Canada and I was using my Canadian Visa, but the thing kept telling me that there was some AVS error and my shipping address doesn't match the billing address, even though I verified with my bank and I am positive that they DO match. Does anyone know if that's because Me&Ro doesn't take Canadian credit cards? I know this really isn't the right place to ask, but I am *frustrated* and I'm thinking someone might have experience with this? Sorry for this whole spiel. Continue to the story!**

The Zapata case was an uphill battle. Their confidential informant refused to appear in court, so the search of Zapata's yacht was ruled inadmissible. Olivia blamed her personally for this, because she thought Alex was some ADA extraordinaire who could achieve anything and everything even when the odds were against her. "You were supposed to get the evidence in!" she snarled at Alex one night.

"You were supposed to make sure your informant was willing to speak to the judge," Alex countered.

"He doesn't want to die for this case!"

Their voices must have been too loud, because a quiet, uncertain, "Olivia?" startled them out of their argument.

Joshua was standing in the doorway, his eyes bleary, clutching his teddy bear to his chest.

"Yeah, baby?" said Olivia.

"Are you mad?" he asked softly.

Olivia sighed. "No, baby, I'm not mad."

"Then why are you fighting?"

Alex patted the bed and Joshua clambered up beside her. Alex wrapped an arm around him and said quietly, "Adult issues, sweetie. I'm sorry if we woke you."

He leaned against her and sighed. "Can I stay with you tonight?"

Alex glanced at Olivia, who nodded almost imperceptibly. "Sure," she said to Joshua.

The argument was over, but not forgotten. Not by a long shot.

* * *

Arthur Branch told Alex to make a deal, and even though she didn't like it, she had to try.

She sat in an interrogation room with Zapata and his lawyer. The two of them made her skin crawl, but she supposed a deal was better than a potential acquittal. Or at least, that's what she told herself. Through gritted teeth, she offered, "Manslaughter, eight to ten."

"Pass," said Granger lazily.

Alex quirked an eyebrow. "Maybe you should ask your client what he thinks."

Zapata smirked. "I also pass."

"What are you even bargaining with, Alex?" asked Granger lightly. "You don't have a case. You certainly don't have your alleged informant."

"I will have the informant, once the judge issues her subpoena," said Alex, although she wasn't positive this was true.

Clearly Zapata shared her pessimism, because he said, "You're assuming that the informant will comply with the judge's request."

Alex thought about that for a moment and tried to figure out what he was talking about. Still, she retained her calm exterior. "And why wouldn't he, Mr. Zapata?"

"Who can say why people do what they do?" asked Zapata cryptically. "It's a mystery."

And then Alex understood, but she tried to bluff anyway. "You don't know who the informant is, so how can you possibly know what he might do?"

Zapata looked unperturbed. "So you say."

"Tell you what, you get your informant lined up, I promise we'll take the deal," suggested Granger.

"Take it now or it's gone," snapped Alex. "And for future reference, if your client intimidates the informant in any way, I will have his bail revoked and his ass thrown in Rikers for the duration of the trial."

Something flashed in Zapata's eyes, which would have frightened Alex if she wasn't already feeling so bold. "You can't threaten me, bitch."

Even though she really knew she shouldn't, she said very clearly, enunciating each word, "I just did."

Granger seemed to realize this was a conflict he didn't want to deal with and he started to get up to go. "We're leaving."

"You allow this?" exclaimed Zapata. "A woman says these things and you do nothing?"

Alex smirked. She'd gotten a rise out of him, which was the point, even though she knew that provoking him did nothing to further her case except personally gratify her. "Yes, Mr. Zapata. You will also find that a woman can say whatever she wants to about your performance in the bedroom, and you aren't actually allowed to kill her."

Zapata leapt up and lunged at her. Alex stepped back, more surprised than afraid. She thought she was invincible, that she could handle anything. She didn't realize that she was in over her head.

Granger pushed the table toward his client so he couldn't get to Alex. "Let's not do anything stupid," he said calmly. "Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Okay. That was fun. Let's go, Rafael." He was clearly shaken, and it was a foreboding of what was to come.

Alex took a few moments to collect herself before going back to the squad room where Olivia and Elliot were waiting for her. Olivia immediately wrapped her arms around Alex. "You have to be careful, baby," she murmured. "He could have hurt you."

"Not with his lawyer in the room," said Alex, trying to brush it off, trying not to show how unsettled the confrontation had made her.

"That man has no self-control and you've got on his bad side already. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Why, because I actually had the guts to stand up to him?"

Elliot walked over to Alex, shaking his head. "You're out of your mind."

"I was hoping he'd think about that information coming out in open court," Alex defended herself half-heartedly. She knew he was right.

"And he pissed you off," added Olivia.

"Yeah, that, too," admitted Alex.

"What does Branch think, now that the deal's been shut down?" asked Olivia.

Alex shrugged. "We move forward with the trial. We give the DEA's office fair warning, and they have the opportunity to pull their undercovers if they think it's necessary."

"You're going to blow a two-year investigation?" Elliot sounded like he couldn't believe it.

Alex sighed. "This is the best option of only bad options. We either prosecute Zapata ourselves or we drop it, give him back his passport, he leaves the country, and the DEA's case is blown anyway."

Then her phone rang and she sighed. She'd been called to a meeting in the judge's chambers.

"What do you think it's about?" asked Olivia.

"Nothing good," replied Alex grimly.

She was right. The Feds had shut them down. But the worst was still to come.

**Review for chapter sixteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

Olivia was incredulous when Alex told her. "They can just go over the judge's head, and that's it?"

Alex got all fired up at that. "I'm going to appeal it to the Second Circuit. Now we're getting into a violation of state's rights."

Then they noticed Agent Donovan. He was not the person Alex really wanted to see right now. She clenched her fists and tried not to hit him as he called her name.

Luckily, she had Elliot and Olivia. Elliot took his protective stance and said, "I thought you didn't want to show your face around here."

Donovan ignored Elliot and turned to Alex. "We have received a credible threat."

"It didn't come from us," snapped Alex. This was just great. "We have kept your identity confidential."

Donovan shook his head. "The threat was made against you."

Alex suddenly couldn't breathe. What did that mean? Was she in danger? Was Olivia? Or worse, was Joshua? She knew she shouldn't have provoked him!

Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Take a deep breath," she intoned. "Just breathe, baby, okay?"

Alex inhaled shakily and tried to calm herself down. "I'm okay," she said quietly, but she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Olivia or if she was trying to convince herself.

"Come." Donovan beckoned for them to follow him into an interview room. Alex sat down beside Olivia, who took her hand and gave it a squeeze as he played the tape for them.

"Hey, how's my girlfriend?"

"Good. Very good."

"Second guy's an inmate incarcerated at a federal penitentiary in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania," Donovan explained. "One of Cesar Velez's guys. This call was recorded six hours ago. We haven't yet identified the other man."

"I'm gonna pick her up. Maybe this week."

"Alright. She's living at 235 West, 78th. Apartment "C" like Charlie. Gets home around 8:00."

"That's my address," stammered Alex. She began to tremble, but tried to calm herself. They obviously didn't know about Olivia or Joshua. How would they not know? Or was it some sort of trick, to lull her into a false sense of security?

"Jogs at six."

Elliot saw the stricken look on Alex's face and muttered, "Son of a bitch."

"You could go jogging with her. Central Park."

"I was thinking I could visit her mother."

"That's an idea. Mom lives upstate. East Amherst –"

Alex's eyes widened. "Oh, my god."

"But you should really try to see your girlfriend. It's important."

"How do they know this?" whispered Alex. Her hands were icy and they were shaking. Olivia rubbed them, trying to warm them up.

"Cesar Velez has a network in the federal prisons," Donovan explained. "We're trying to ascertain where the information's coming from. Have you noticed anyone following you? Any problems with your telephone service at the office or at your home?"

Alex was overwhelmed. "Uh," she stuttered, at a loss. It was late and she was exhausted, but moreover, she was terrified. "N-No, not that I can remember."

"Okay, so as of now, we get a protective detail," said Olivia calmly. "You step foot outside, you have an armed escort. And I'm with you, Alex. They won't dare to touch you –"

"But what about Joshua?" she interrupted. "They don't seem to know about him but – they could take him, hurt him – I knew it was a bad idea!"

Olivia gently rubbed her back. "It'll be okay."

"We're gonna have to rig a security system at the office and the apartment," said Elliot.

"Federal marshal's already lined up to escort you," said Donovan, looking from Alex to Olivia. "Should be here within the hour."

"No," said Alex shakily. "I want to go home now." She wanted to see her son. She _needed _to see her son.

Olivia understood. "Okay. We'll take you."

* * *

Elliot drove, and for once, no one argued. Olivia climbed into the backseat with Alex and wrapped her arms around the ADA. Alex rested her head in Olivia's lap and the detective stroked her hair. "Just breathe, baby," she murmured. "In, and out. In, and out."

Alex tried to calm herself. She was here with Olivia. She was safe. Joshua was with Mrs. Andre. He was safe. Mrs. Andre would have called – no, who was she kidding? If they'd kidnapped Joshua, Mrs. Andre would be dead. She was just an old woman.

After an eternity, they arrived. Olivia helped Alex out of the car and wrapped her arms protectively around her shoulders as Donovan trotted up to them. "Ms. Cabot!" he called. "We're gonna find the guy. And we'll tie him to Zapata. He'll go away for life."

Alex should have been relieved, but she was a bundle of nerves and all she could manage was a shaky, "Okay."

"And if we can't," he continued. "I'll go to your judge. I'll testify in open court. So I don't want you to worry. This is handled. Got it?"

She took a deep breath. "Got it. Good night." He was trying to make her feel better, and it should have been a relief, but she couldn't think about him right now. She was thinking about Joshua.

Donovan started toward his car and Elliot opened the back door. "Okay, let's do a drive-by first to make sure nothing looks off." He climbed into the front seat.

Right at that moment, Donovan's car exploded. Shards of silver glass flew into the air like fireworks on the Fourth of July, but this was anything but celebratory. Alex and Olivia fell to the ground with the force of the explosion. Alex screamed, then clamped her mouth shut as tears rushed to her eyes. This is what could happen to her. She could be next. Or Olivia. Or Joshua.

Olivia recovered first. She knelt down beside Alex and pulled her into her arms. "It's okay, baby," she whispered, kissing Alex's tears away. "You're okay."

"Donovan –" began Alex. "He's gone." Then she took a deep breath and tried to regain her composure as Elliot jogged toward them. She wouldn't let Elliot see her cry.

"Are you okay?" he asked, holding out a hand and helping Olivia to her feet.

Olivia nodded. "I'm fine." She glanced at Alex. "You should get looked at. You've got cuts and bruises all over your face. You took a bad fall."

Alex shook her head. "I'm okay." She pointed at the car. "But he's not."

Her knees started to buckle and Olivia caught her. She lifted Alex effortlessly into her arms like she weighed no more than a child and carried her over to the ambulance. Alex didn't even protest. She sat in the back of the ambulance and just stared as Elliot and Olivia gave their statements and started to clean up the scene. She wasn't in particularly bad shape; she knew that Olivia had just wanted her out of the way. Honestly, she couldn't blame her.

Finally, Olivia jogged over to her. "Hey," she said gently, holding out her hand. "Come on, let's go."

Alex didn't move.

"Alex, you couldn't have done anything differently," Olivia told her. "Donovan made a choice."

"We all did," replied Alex. She had made her choice, and that was that she valued her own life more than Donovan's. And he had paid.

Hammond marched over to the two of them, furious. "How?" he demanded.

Alex tried not to cry as she answered, "I – I don't know."

"You don't know? He had two kids. Did you know that?"

Olivia wrapped a protective arm around Alex. "Knock it off."

Hammond ignored her. "You were careless. You didn't listen. Do you get it now? Is it sinking in?"

Now was the time for reinforcements and Elliot strode toward them. "Enough. Enough." He spoke to Alex, loudly, to be heard over the background noise. "You've got to get yourself off this case. End of story."

"Oh, you don't have a case," said Hammond, vengeance lacing his tone. "It blew up with Tim Donovan."

She wanted nothing more than to drop this case, but she couldn't. She couldn't let him control her like this. She was terrified, but she couldn't let him win.

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

**I noticed that I haven't been getting so many reviews on this story anymore . . . is that because interest is waning? I'm not sure if I still have a captive audience, so please drop me a review if you want some more!**

They stayed outside for hours, waiting for the cops and firefighters and city officials to clean up the debris, the glass, everything. Alex couldn't tear her eyes away.

Finally, she allowed Olivia to shepherd her upstairs. They knocked on Mrs. Andre's door and Alex held her breath, praying they were okay.

Mrs. Andre opened the door and Alex almost fainted in relief. Olivia held tightly to her shoulders. "I'm so sorry," she said to Mrs. Andre. "We had an emergency."

"It's fine," replied their neighbor, waving her hand dismissively. "He's asleep in the spare room."

Olivia handed her a hundred and started for the spare room, Alex at her heels.

Joshua was lying facedown on the bed, his teddy bear in his arms, looking so peaceful and _perfect _that Alex couldn't stop herself from running to him and wrapping her arms around her son.

He stirred and looked up at Alex through wide, frightened eyes, clearly noticing the marks that marred her fair skin. "Allie, what happened?"

"Nothing, Joshy," she whispered, pulling him into her arms and rocking him gently. "I'm fine." She rested her cheek on his head and kissed him. "I love you, honey."

"I love you, too," he said softly.

Alex lifted him into her arms and carried him back to their apartment. She tucked him into bed and sat with him until he fell asleep. Then she went back to her bedroom with Olivia.

"Are you okay, baby?" asked the detective quietly, taking Alex into her arms.

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Yeah," she murmured. "I'm okay. You're okay. Joshua's okay. Everything's okay." Then she shook her head. "Donovan's not okay."

"You have to drop the case, Alex," Olivia told her decisively. "It's not worth losing your job over. It's not worth losing your _life _over."

"I can't, Olivia. If I drop it, he wins."

"It's not about winning! It's about getting through another day."

"And that's how the bad guys get away, how they stay on the streets, how they continue to terrorize you and I. We give up because they have too many connections, too much power. I'm not going to give Zapata a free pass."

"Alex, stop being so goddamn stubborn! Think of Joshua. Think of me. What would we do without you?"" She swallowed. "For once in your life, think of _yourself_!"

The fire drained from Alex's eyes and she leaned into Olivia, allowing the detective to wrap her arms around her. "I'm sorry, Olivia," she said quietly. "But I can't."

Olivia relented. She kissed Alex's hair. "All right, baby. All right. Just be careful."

"I will be," she promised.

* * *

They were in the squad room the next morning, going over the evidence from what had happened last night. "Initial report from the bomb squad," explained Elliot. "Turned up evidence of C4 and part of the detonator in the debris field. They believe that the trigger was rigged to the ignition. The explosive was placed under the driver's seat."

"Every bomb-maker has a signature," said Captain Cragen. "FBI lab is running the individual components through their database looking for a match."

"It doesn't matter," snapped Alex. "We know who did it. It's Cesar Velez fixing things for Zapata. The more important question is, how did Velez know Donovan was the CI?"

"Same way he knows where you live and where your mother lives. He's got the money and the power," said John.

"And he's not gonna stop until you back off or until you're dead," Elliot told Alex firmly.

"I have a protective detail; my mom has a protective detail." Alex stubbornly shook her head. "I'm not backing off."

"Alex, there's no reason for you to die for this case!" Olivia was back to being worried. She must have come to her senses the night before.

"Men like Zapata and Velez live on other people's fear," said Alex decisively. "It doesn't matter if I try this case or somebody else in my office does. The intimidation is always there. So I can either accept it as a part of my job or concede everything. But I don't want to put any of that on you. The DA's office has investigators."

"Who are a bunch of punks," cut in Fin. "I'm in."

"So am I," agreed John.

Olivia and Elliot exchanged glances, but nodded their agreement.

"Okay," said Alex. "Let's start by dragging in every single guest from Zapata's little boat party. Somebody knows about Livia's murder."

* * *

Alex talked to Arthur Branch later that day. Even though she didn't like it, he convinced her to hand Zapata over to the Feds. They had a better case against him and she would be safe. She wasn't even thinking of herself; she was thinking of Olivia and of Joshua. She was too worn out to fight this. Her son was more important than winning a futile battle.

* * *

They were out for a drink that night, Alex and the detectives. It had taken her a long time to feel comfortable with this, because she had never been one of them. But then she and Olivia had gotten together, and suddenly, Olivia's family became Alex's family too.

"The FBI connected the car bomb to Zapata," explained Captain Cragen. "He's gonna flip on Cesar Velez. If the DEA can get an indictment, the Colombians will arrest Velez and start the extradition process."

"What does Zapata get for his troubles?" asked Alex sarcastically.

"A reduced sentence and a new identity in Scottsdale, Arizona, probably," answered Fin.

"If he lives that long," said John. He got up to leave. "And on that note, I'll say good night." He turned to Fin. "You have to give me a ride early tomorrow morning. You need some sleep."

Fin rolled his eyes, but obediently got up to follow John. "You need to hire a driver."

"Goodnight," said the captain. Alex and Olivia added their goodnights, then Captain Cragen patted Alex on the arm and said, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Alex managed a small smile. "Bye."

"Look, we had a good run," said Elliot, trying to cheer her up. "Conviction rates are up. We had to get screwed sometime."

"Cesar Velez can probably do more damage to Zapata now than the justice system ever could," added Olivia.

Alex sighed. "It just – it never seems like enough, you know. The Feds will get Zapata for killing Donovan. But what about Livia Sandoval? She dies without any justice and we're supposed to be happy about it? We tell ourselves that we speak for the victims, but we don't. We can close cases. But the victims, even if they survive, their lives are ruined. I just get so sick of it." And then she had to marvel at how far she'd come over the past few years. She used to have political aspirations. Now she was a mini-Olivia, who worked for the victims.

"Alex, we can't always win," Elliot said.

Alex sighed again. "But that's just it. Even when we win, we don't. Come on. Let's get out of here."

The detectives and the ADA walked out of the bar.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm such a buzz kill," apologized Alex.

Suddenly, a dark SUV appeared beside Alex. A figure pulled out a gun and shot – once – twice – three times – Olivia and Elliot dropped to the ground, assuming Alex was doing the same.

"Get down!" Elliot screamed.

"Go, go, go!" cried the gunman as the SUV started away. Elliot got to his feet and started to run after it, but Olivia glanced beside her to Alex, who was lying on the ground.

"Alex," said Olivia, but then she noticed the blood gushing out of the ADA's shoulder. She'd been shot! Olivia started to crawl toward her as fast as she could and tried to still the blood with her hand, but it was futile. "No," she murmured. "No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Somebody call an ambulance! Call 911 now! Alex. It's okay, Alex. Alex, look at me. It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex. They're coming right now." Alex wasn't responding and she was getting more and more desperate as Elliot turned around and started to run toward them. "You're gonna be okay. Alex, you're gonna be okay. Look at me. You're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be just fine. Now, just stay with me." She looked hopelessly at Elliot, the realization dawning on her as Alex's blood seeped through her hand. "Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. It's okay. Look at me. Look at me."

But Alex was gone.

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Wow, thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad people are still reading and liking this. I know it's kind of predictable, but it won't stay that way. I know this one is crazy short, but I thought this should be its own chapter. Enjoy!**

She stayed at the hospital until three in the morning. They'd pronounced Alex dead on their arrival at ten, but she didn't want to leave Alex until they were positive. But now they were, and Olivia knew she couldn't put it off anymore. She went home exhausted. She really wanted to burst into tears of pain and desperation, because she needed Alex right now. But Alex was dead. And now Joshua was her responsibility. He was only six years old. She had to take care of her son.

She got to Mrs. Andre's apartment, and Joshua was fast asleep. She paid Mrs. Andre and ran to the spare room.

The tears were brimming in Olivia's eyes and it took all she had to stop them from spilling over when she saw her son sleeping, undisturbed, unworried. Innocent. She knew he would never sleep so peacefully again. She lifted Joshua into her arms and kissed him, holding him as tightly as she could without restricting his airway.

He looked up at her through frightened eyes. "Livvy? What's the matter?"

She didn't know how to answer that. She just held him close. "Oh, baby." She kissed the crown of his head and tried not to cry.

"Where's Alex?" Joshua whispered.

"We'll talk about that later," she said, balancing the little boy on her hip. She carried Joshua two doors down to their apartment and went to her bedroom, setting him down on the bed.

"Where's Alex?" he repeated, his eyes wide with fear. "Did you have another fight?"

She cradled him in her lap and sighed. How was she supposed to tell her six-year-old that one of his mothers was dead? "Do you know what heaven is, honey?" They'd never had this discussion before, because Olivia herself was not a believer in anything intangible. But she wanted Joshua to believe, even if she didn't. She knew it would comfort him and it was the right thing to do. She wished she _could_ believe.

Joshua nodded. "It's where God lives. And where angels live. And where Mommy and Daddy live." Then he began to tremble. "Is Alex there too now?"

Olivia hugged him tightly, and then her tears intermingled with his as she said, her voice cracking, "Yes, sweetheart. She is."

"So I won't see her anymore?"

Olivia shook her head. She was at a loss for words.

Joshua sobbed in her arms. "I want my Alex!"

_Oh, Joshua, _Olivia didn't say. _So do I._

**Review for the next chapter!**


	19. Chapter 19

Joshua slept with Olivia that night and woke up crying every hour, which he hadn't done in months. She tried to comfort him, holding him and rocking him in her arms, but he refused to be consoled. "I want Alex!" he wailed, even as Olivia rubbed gentle circles into his back, and the words pierced her heart like a knife.

"I know, baby," she murmured, kissing his forehead. "I know."

As Joshua drifted back to sleep, Olivia gave up the fight. She stayed awake, watching over her son, partly because she wanted to take care of him, partly because she knew she wouldn't be able to get to sleep herself, and partly because she didn't want to wake up with her own nightmares.

The next day, Olivia stayed home with Joshua. She didn't want to be separated from her little boy under any circumstances. She made him chocolate chip pancakes and let him eat them in front of the television. She played dinosaur checkers and video games with him and they watched _Transformers_, twice.

She got the call at 8:00, from Elliot. "Hammond wants to see us in an hour. Something about closing the case."

"I can't," said Olivia. "I need to be with Joshua." She hesitated. "Can he come?"

"No," replied Elliot. "But you're not going to want to miss this. I'll pick you up in ten."

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. "Okay. I'll call a neighbor. Meet you outside in ten." She hung up and turned to Joshua, who was looking up at her through wide, fear-filled eyes. She knelt down so they were eye-level. "Sweetheart, I'm going to call Mrs. Andre and she's going to stay with you tonight."

"No!" screamed Joshua, bursting into tears and wrapping his arms around Olivia's neck. "Don't leave me!"

"Honey, this is really important. But I'll be back before you go to sleep, I promise." She pointed to the clock. "You see that clock?" When he nodded, she said, "I promise you that I will be back before the big hand gets to the eleven, okay?"

"Promise?" sniffled the little boy.

Olivia held out her pinkie. "Pinkie swear."

Joshua locked pinkies with her. "Pinkie swear."

* * *

"What do you think this about?" asked Olivia as she climbed into the passenger seat beside Elliot.

He shrugged. "Beats me."

They drove in silence for forty minutes. "God, you think they could have picked a more secluded place?" muttered Olivia. "What's with all this secrecy?"

A black SUV pulled up beside them, flanked by armed Feds. Agent Hammond climbed out of the car and Elliot bit out, "Nice place. Convenient." Olivia was sure he wasn't happy about being dragged away from his children either.

"Sorry," apologized Hammond. "Only way to do this."

Olivia folded her arms. "Do what?"

Hammond raised his eyebrows. "Real pain in the ass, this one. Wouldn't take no for an answer."

A figure appeared in the doorway of the SUV and climbed out of the car. Her arm was in a sling, her face set, her bottomless blue eyes clouded over, set in ice. It was unmistakably Alex Cabot.

Olivia felt her knees start to buckle and forced herself to remain upright. She had to be strong. She pinched her arm, but it hurt, and she knew she wasn't dreaming. Was this a hallucination? A mirage? Or a ghost? Alex was dead – wasn't she?

Alex looked from Elliot to Olivia, locking her eyes with Olivia's. "I'm so sorry about all of this," she whispered.

Olivia didn't trust her voice. A single tear streaked down her cheek, and she was too far gone to even care. "Your funeral's tomorrow," she choked out.

"And you're both expected to attend," cut in Hammond. "For the time being, Ms. Cabot's better off dead. If Velez can get to Zapata, he can get to her."

"Witness protection." Elliot's words were not a question, but a statement, and they treated it as such.

"Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with," added Alex, her voice cracking.

"How long?" whispered Olivia, trying to keep her tears to a dignified minimum.

Alex just shrugged helplessly.

"We're on the move," called one of the Feds. "Sorry, folks. Move them out."

Alex cast one last fleeting glance at the detectives before the car door shut. Olivia had half a mind to run after the car and bang on it until the door opened and she could demand that they take her with. Her head was spinning. Alex was alive, but Olivia was never going to see her again. She couldn't survive without Alex! She wanted to badly to beg them to take her with – but she couldn't do that to Joshua.

So she just watched in disbelief as the car disappeared into the horizon. When she could no longer see Alex, she couldn't hold it in anymore. She fell to her knees, sobbing hysterically for the woman she loved. The woman she'd lost.

Elliot just let her cry for a few moments, but as minutes passed, he knelt down beside her and helped her to her feet. "Come on, Liv," he said gently. "Come on. You told Josh you'd be home by eleven, right?"

"I can't – Alex," Olivia managed through her tears.

"I know, Liv. But there's nothing we can do now. She'll be safe. It's not safe for her here."

"I could – protect –" And then she burst into a fresh round of sobbing.

Elliot wrapped his arms around her and shepherded her to the car. "You couldn't, Liv. No one could. This is the best thing for everyone. She's alive." He brushed a few strands of hair back from her face, a gesture that reminded her so much of Alex that she couldn't stop the tears that streaked down her cheeks. "You'll see her again someday. You have to believe that. You will."

They drove back to Olivia's apartment in silence, save for her quiet sobbing which gradually turned to whimpers, then abated.

Olivia took a moment to compose herself before she went inside. "Thank you," she whispered to Elliot, then hurried up the steps to her apartment.

Joshua was watching _A Bug's Life _with Mrs. Andre. He was perched on her lap, clad in one of Alex's sweatshirts that she usually wore around the house, loudly proclaiming her alma mater as Harvard. It would have been amusing if it wasn't so sad.

Joshua glanced up when he heard her come in and ran to Olivia, jumping into her arms. "The big hand is almost at the eleven," he informed her sternly.

She planted a soft kiss on the crown of his head. "I know, baby. I'm sorry."

He followed her gaze to the sweatshirt he wore and explained, "It smells like Alex."

It did, and the maturity of her six-year-old made her want to cry. She considered telling him that Alex was alive, but discarded the idea immediately. She couldn't. Children talk. They say things without even realizing what they're doing, and Olivia knew she couldn't put Alex's life in danger now, after all that had happened.

Emotionally exhausted, Olivia paid Mrs. Andre and sent her on her way after bestowing profound gratitude upon her. She carried Joshua into her bedroom, just as much for her own comfort as for his. He buried his head in Alex's pillow and inhaled.

Olivia held him and sang him lullabies until he fell into a fitful slumber. Again, she refused to sleep. She didn't want to wake up screaming and frighten her son. He needed her now.

No, he didn't. He needed _Alex _now. And so did she.

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

They put her on a plane to a puny, no-name town in the middle of Wisconsin. She'd always flown first class before, and she realized now just how much she actually hated flying. Sandwiched between two burly Feds, she had a nagging feeling that this was what it felt like to be a criminal, being extradited to his home country to await punishment for a crime he'd committed years before.

A flight attendant came over to them, a smile plastered on her face. Alex could find a million things wrong with this picture. Her hair was too blonde, her skin was too tanned, her lipstick was too pink, and her smile was too fake. "Can I get you anything, miss?" she asked, directing her question at Alex.

_Yes_, Alex didn't say. _You can turn this plane around and take me back to New York, where I belong. To Olivia._

To the flight attendant, she managed a phony smile of her own and answered, "No, thank you."

"Well, don't hesitate to ask if you change your mind."

"Thank you," said Alex hollowly, her tone devoid of any emotion whatsoever. This was going to be a long ride.

She pulled out a novel that she'd bought at the airport, one that she'd started months ago and never actually got around to finishing. Between her work and Olivia and Joshua, she never had a spare moment.

But of course Agent Jolten, who was sitting to her left, fell asleep with his head so close to her that she could smell his pungent breath. It reeked of cigarette smoke. And he snored. Loudly. Like a pig, she thought. And his snoring effectively disrupted any reading that she might have done.

She wished she had her cell phone so she could call Olivia, but the Feds had confiscated it, after strictly warning her against any further contact with her old friends. "You're dead," they told her in a way that left no room for argument. "If you contact them at all, we can't guarantee your safety – or theirs." And Alex certainly didn't want her friends to get hurt because of something she'd done.

"Could you move over?" she finally griped to Agent Littleton, who was sitting on her other side. He was so fat that his excess body weight was spilling over onto her seat. She wasn't particularly inclined to behave on this ride. She was exhausted and lonely and miserable and heartbroken and just plain terrified.

Agent Littleton shook his finger at her. "Remember your promise?"

"No," snapped Alex. "I don't." Which was a lie, but who cared? She'd given the Feds her solemn word that if they took her to see Elliot and Olivia before they left for Wisconsin, she wouldn't give them any more trouble. When they'd complained that it was against procedure, she'd calmly reminded them that it was a long ride to Wisconsin and she could be very bothersome when she tried.

She'd really wanted to see Olivia and Joshua, Elliot being an afterthought. She realized that seeing Joshua would be impossible – children generally can't keep secrets, and Alex wouldn't want to burden him with that anyway. And even if she'd let her emotions override her logic, the Feds never would have gone for it. Then she'd wanted to ask for just Olivia, but thought the better of it. First of all, Olivia and Elliot were best friends, and Alex needed to be reasonable. She knew that having to keep this to herself would destroy Olivia, and she wanted to give the detective someone to lean on, someone she knew she could trust. She knew Olivia wouldn't be able to handle this on her own. Secondly – and this reason was entirely selfish – she knew that if only Olivia came, she knew she wouldn't be able to let her go. She would beg Olivia to come with her, and she knew Olivia wouldn't be able to refuse. Olivia could never refuse her.

Alex twirled a strand of long blonde hair around her finger, then remembered something, something that Olivia had given her a long time ago, for their first anniversary. Something that always made her feel better when she was sad. She'd convinced/persuaded/begged/threatened Agent Jolten to pick it up from her apartment for her while Olivia was still at the hospital, and surprisingly, he'd agreed, obviously realizing that it would save him a lot of trouble in the long run. It was an American Girl doll, a beautiful one with shoulder-length brunette tresses and huge brown eyes. It looked just like Olivia.

Olivia had given it to her for two reasons, firstly so that Alex would have something to comfort her when Olivia was undercover, and secondly because when Alex turned seven years old, her mother had decided that she was too old for dolls. She'd gathered them all up in a garbage bag and gotten rid of them. Alex had cried and begged for her dolls back, but her mother wouldn't relent. Alex had always loved her dolls – even at the age of seven, she still sometimes pretended that they were real. And having them all taken from her so cruelly had desensitized her in a way. Olivia had wanted to give her back some of the comfort she'd been denied when she was a child.

She took the doll out of her carry-on bag and cradled it in her arms, resting her cheek on its head as a single tear landed on its soft brown tresses.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Aw, the lack of reviews has returned. :( The more reviews I get, the faster I write! :)**

Days melted into weeks, and then into months. Life went on. But Olivia made sure that Joshua would never forget Alex. She bought Alex's perfume and sprayed it around the apartment, and it made Joshua smile when he got home. He would turn to Olivia with that priceless grin on his face and proclaim, "It smells like Alex." And Olivia would hold back her tears as she smiled and nodded.

He slept with her every night for the first week, and at the funeral, he couldn't stop crying. Joshua was a child, but his concept of death was more sophisticated than most six-year-olds, simply because he'd known so much of it. Olivia took him to Alex's grave every weekend, and she told him that while he was here, he could talk to Alex and she would listen.

That first week, they brought Alex her favorite flowers – lilies – and sat by her grave. For a long time, Joshua didn't say anything at all. Then he rested his chin on the gravestone, an action so endearing that Olivia wanted to cry. "I love you, Allie," he whispered. "And I'll never forget you." And that was all. He took Olivia's hand and let her lead him back to the car.

By the second week, Joshua was anxious to return to school. Even though his presence brought Olivia the comfort she desperately needed right now, she knew staying home for an indeterminate period of time wouldn't be good for him.

She got him back onto a routine, giving him a bath and reading to him before he went to sleep, and making sure he slept in his own bed instead of in hers. Although in the morning, he still sometimes climbed in her bed and cuddled with her, his nightmares mostly abated after the first month. Life continued.

Olivia arranged play dates for Joshua, with Elliot's kids and with his classmates. They went to Elliot's house every Sunday for dinner. They went to the library, to the park, to go bowling. They went to see the new _Transformers _movie when it came out and they bought a DVR so Olivia could record the Family Channel for Joshua, because sometimes they played Disney movies while he was at school, and it was easier than going out to rent them. Olivia tried (with limited success) to help Joshua get over his picky eating, slipping different spices into his meat, different sauces with his pasta. But as he noticed, called her out on it, and refused to eat more than a bite of his meal, Olivia had a nagging feeling that Alex would have been able to do it better.

Alex's birthday was a somber occasion. Olivia kept Joshua home from school, even though she knew she probably shouldn't. They went to the cemetery and sat by Alex's grave, and Olivia murmured a quiet prayer, even though she knew she didn't believe in God, or any form of religion, organized or not. Although she knew Alex was still alive, it was almost as if she wasn't. She was a million miles away and no one except her and Elliot knew that Alex hadn't been killed by one of Velez's henchmen. Being at her grave made Olivia feel closer to her lost love.

"Sing _Happy Birthday_," Olivia prompted her son. When he looked skeptical, she added, "Go on. She can hear you. She'll be thankful." It wasn't true, but Olivia wanted Joshua to believe it anyway. It would help.

Joshua glanced at her questioningly, then smiled and began to sing. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Alex. Happy birthday to you." And he promptly burst into tears.

Olivia took him into her arms, although at six and a half years old, he was getting a bit heavy to be carried around like a baby. She immediately felt bad for what she'd told him to do. She'd thought it would help, but it hadn't. It had further upset her little boy.

She kissed his cheek and rocked him back and forth. "It's okay, baby," she murmured. "It's okay."

"I love you, Alex," Joshua whispered, looking up at the sky and crossing his arms over his chest.

Olivia felt a gentle breeze ruffle her hair, and against her beliefs – her lack of faith in God and her knowledge that Alex was alive – she took it as a sign. She hugged Joshua tighter. "She says she loves you too."

**Review for the next instalment!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks for all the reviews! And if I may post another annoying rant, I just got the biggest FML today. We (okay, I convinced my dad) to book a trip to New York for next week because I figured everyone would be back from the Emmys and I could spend one day stalking the SVU set, which would make me very, very happy. And apparently, they are taking a week off filming next week! NOOOOOOO! That was the whole point of going to New York! Just wanted to share my utter frustrations. [/rant]**

Alex's heart was breaking as the Feds dropped her off at her new house. She'd never had a house to herself before. It was lonely. Overbearingly so.

Alex never stopped thinking about Olivia and Joshua, even as days turned to weeks and then to months. The seasons changed, and still, she cried herself to sleep every night without fail, clutching her doll to her chest and pretending it was Olivia. She wished she had a picture of her girlfriend or her son, but the Feds had confiscated those without even telling Alex. "If you were found out, they would be in danger," they explained after they'd ripped up the photographs. And Alex was too overwhelmed to argue.

She had a new job now. She was a first-grade teacher, and every day she went to school, the children reminded her of Joshua. She loved them all, so much, just as she loved her own little boy.

There was one child in the class who stood out. He was a bit distant from his classmates, a bit quieter and Alex knew. Just like Olivia sometimes felt things, she knew that this little boy was a victim. One of the victims that she and Olivia would have dealt with, so long ago, in another lifetime.

She wanted to tell him that if someone was hurting him, there were people he could turn to, people that could help. She wanted to give him the phone number for the local precinct, or at the very least, assure him that she would always be there.

But she wasn't Olivia, and she couldn't do any of those things.

She kept an eye out for this little boy, and she felt bad when she saw him one day, crying after school when his parents hadn't come to pick him up. "Matthew," she said, kneeling down so they were eye level. "Where are your parents?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Ms. Jennings." That was her new name. Emily Jennings. She hated it with every fiber of her being.

She vaguely remembered that his parents were divorced, and asked, "Is it your mommy's day today or your daddy's day?"

He looked up at her through large green eyes, glassy with tears. "I don't know."

Alex sighed. "Okay, honey." She took his hand and brought him back into the classroom. "I'm going to call your mommy, okay?" She actually wasn't sure which was the safer parent to call, but she figured she had to call one of them anyway and she might as well call his mother.

The little boy started to tremble, and that was when Alex noticed the purpling bruise on his wrist.

"Honey, what happened?" she asked as gently as she could, leaning down to catch his eye again.

"Nothing."

She let it go, even though she knew it was a lie. And as she picked up the phone and dialed Matthew's mother's phone number, she realized how far she'd truly fallen. She was one of _them _now. If she was back in New York, she would be prosecuted for failure to report child abuse, because as a teacher, she was bound by law. Way back in a different lifetime, she had always pushed to indict those who stood by and watched when they saw a child being hurt, without stepping in. Criminal negligence. Failure to act. They lost their jobs, at the very least. And now she was one of them.

As she watched another innocent child slip through the cracks, she wondered idly what Olivia would think of her now.

* * *

She went to see the new _Transformers _movie the night it came out, and she didn't even care that she was the only woman over the age of twenty at the theater without a husband or a child. She went because she knew Olivia would be taking Joshua tonight, and though they were a thousand miles away, it made her feel closer to her lost love and son.

She went to the drugstore to find Olivia's brand of shampoo, the one that smelled like coconuts. She'd always loved to bury her face in Olivia's brunette tresses and just inhale the intoxicating scent.

She handled the small vial of shampoo with utmost respect. She'd gone to three different drugstores before she'd found the right kind and it meant the world to her now, because it helped her feel closer to Olivia.

She picked up some other things too, even though she didn't need them. Nail polish remover. Band-aids. Midol. A pack of gum. Sunscreen. A _People _magazine; her secret vice. New hair clips.

She stood at the checkout, folding her hands so that she wouldn't be tempted to go back to biting her nails as she used to when she was stressed; a habit Olivia had helped her break. On second thought, she picked up some clear nail polish that tasted horrible to coat her nails with. Just in case.

As the cashier scanned her items and put them into shopping bags, she said in a slightly bored voice, more out of habit than actual interest. "Did you get everything you wanted?"

It was such a simple question, but it took her breath away. It took her a few minutes, but she finally managed to choke out, "Yes."

The cashier gave her an odd look, and suddenly Alex wanted to fall to her knees and scream that no, she did not get everything she wanted.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	23. Chapter 23

**I'm not sure whether I'll be able to update until Sunday or Monday at this point; we're going to New York and not coming back until Sunday, but I may have Internet access or be able to do it on my phone. So we'll see. I'm disappointed that SVU isn't filming, but still, I'm excited. Remember to review!**

Months passed. Joshua's birthday came and went. He enjoyed it, but not as much as he had last year. A cloud of melancholy fell over the two of them, because they both knew that Alex should have been there, sharing Joshua's special day. When Olivia had asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he had replied, so quietly that Olivia had to strain to hear him, "Alex." And it broke her heart that she couldn't give her little boy the one thing he wanted most. It hurt all the more because she wanted Alex too.

Elliot came, with his children. Fin came. John came. Serena and Abbie came. Olivia hadn't really wanted to invite Casey, but she knew she should, because she was inviting everyone else. Olivia still resented Casey, even though she really knew she shouldn't. Casey wasn't bad, but she wasn't _Alex_. She wasn't as smart as Alex . . . or as passionate as Alex . . . or as competent as Alex . . . or as caring as Alex. She just plain wasn't Alex. And Olivia hated her for it.

Olivia had explained it to Joshua when he'd asked, that Casey had taken over Alex's job because Alex wasn't coming back. She would never forget the look on his face when she'd told him, and then the look on Casey's when Joshua's lower lip quivered and he laid into Casey with his little fists, yelling, "I don't want you! I want my Alex!" And when Olivia had lifted him into her arms and removed him from the situation, carrying him from the squad room into an interrogation room after apologizing to Casey, he'd burst into tears. He buried his head in Olivia's chest and whispered, "I want my Alex." And Olivia couldn't stay angry at him, because so did she.

She'd still explained to him that hitting was never okay in any situation, no matter how angry he got, and she'd still waited until he'd calmed down before taking him back out to apologize to Casey. He said he was sorry, but all three of them knew he didn't mean it. Maybe his concept of death wasn't as sophisticated as Olivia had originally thought.

Olivia was torn between inviting Casey to Joshua's party and not. He'd only met her that one time and she knew he didn't want her to come, but she knew the polite thing to do was to invite her. She felt a bit like she was in kindergarten again, when your mother told you to invite everyone in your class, even the outcast who everyone stayed away from. You didn't want to invite them, but you knew you should, so you did anyway.

Olivia had always been that kid who was never invited, and she knew how it felt. She decided to talk to Joshua about it.

When he got home from school, Olivia sat him down in the living room and said, "Joshua, I'm going to talk to you like you're a grownup right now, because this is very important." When he nodded, she continued, "I know that you don't like Casey very much and I know that your birthday is your special day." She hated herself for what she was about to say, because she was having a hard time believing it herself, but she said it anyway. "Joshua, Casey isn't Alex. She never will be Alex and she's not trying to take Alex's place. Just because she has taken over Alex's job at work doesn't mean that she's trying to be your mommy, or my girlfriend, or anything more than a friend. But she does want to be our friend. And I think that if we invite everyone else to your party but don't invite her, she'll be feeling very left out. Were you ever not invited to one of your classmate's birthday parties?"

Joshua looked at the ground and nodded.

"And how did you feel?" prompted Olivia.

"Sad," whispered Joshua. "Like no one liked me."

"That's right," said Olivia, pulling the little boy onto her lap. "And I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do, especially on your birthday, but I want you to think about that, okay? You don't have to give me an answer today, but after you've thought about it, I'd like you to tell me if you think we should invite Casey to your party. It's your choice, and I won't be upset either way, because it's your party, not Casey's and not mine. But think about it, okay?"

Joshua nodded. "Okay." He slid off Olivia's lap. "Can we play checkers now?"

* * *

Two days later, Joshua made his decision.

"I want you to invite Casey," he told Olivia. "It's the right thing to do."

She couldn't even begin to express how proud she was of her little boy. She kissed his forehead and said, "I love you, Joshy."

His head snapped up and he stared at her through huge blue eyes. "Don't call me that," he whispered, his voice cracking. "Please don't call me that."

"I'm sorry," said Olivia hesitantly. It took her a moment but then – oh, no. She realized what was wrong. That had been Alex's special name for him. No one but her had ever called him _Joshy_. "Okay, Josh. I'm sorry," she repeated.

He nodded and leaned into Olivia. She wrapped an arm around him and sighed. She missed Alex just as much as he did.

* * *

On Joshua's birthday, Olivia tried to make sure he enjoyed it. She made him chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast – they were still his favorite – and she took him to see a movie. He surprised her on their way home, though. "Livvy," he whispered, clutching his teddy bear tightly to his chest. "Can we go see Alex?"

The question startled Olivia for a moment, but then she realized that he meant he wanted to go to the cemetery. It was a sobering thing, to have a seven-year-old ask to go to a graveyard on his birthday. "Okay," she said quietly, and immediately turned the car around, starting for the cemetery.

When they arrived, Joshua jumped out of the car and ran toward Alex's gravestone, his running shoes pattering over the gravel path that led from one headstone to the next.

Olivia followed, biting back the urge to tell her son to slow down. God help her if she couldn't keep up with her seven-year-old.

He sat down beside the gravestone, silent tears streaking down his cheeks. He hugged his teddy bear and murmured something that Olivia couldn't hear.

She stopped a few feet away, understanding that she should afford Joshua this freedom and give him some privacy with Alex. She didn't need to hear what he said. In all honesty, she probably didn't want to.

But when they got home and the guests started to arrive, Joshua was a gracious host, mature beyond his years. He greeted each person with a smile and a hug, taking his gift and handing it off to Olivia with no theatrics whatsoever.

Casey was the last to arrive. She looked a bit uncertain as she knelt down so she was eye level with Joshua and handed him his gift. "Happy birthday," she said softly.

Olivia was watching the little boy carefully, waiting to see what he would do. But he surprised her – and moreover, Casey – by wrapping his arms around her. She looked up at Olivia, her eyes betraying her anxiety, but she gradually relaxed as Joshua hugged her.

Finally, he stepped back and said solemnly, "Thank you for coming to my birthday, Casey. I know I haven't been nice to you. It's just because –" He sighed, then continued, "It's just because I miss Alex and you aren't her. But that's okay. You can still be my friend." He hesitated. "Will you be my friend?"

Casey smiled, and Olivia saw the tears brimming in her eyes as she gave Joshua another hug. "I would love to be your friend."

Olivia was thrown for a moment. She'd never heard such a speech from a seven-year-old before. She hadn't told him to say anything like this – it was all him. And she was proud of him beyond words.

She took him aside before dinner and told him as much. "That was a very good thing you did, with Casey," she told him with a smile. "Where did it come from?"

He shrugged. "It was true."

She didn't know how, but she managed to fall a little more in love with this little boy every single day.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	24. Chapter 24

**How about that? I _do _have Internet. But maybe just for today because we upgraded our room and got free Wi-Fi. So we'll see. But I decided to give you another chapter. Enjoy and review!**

On Joshua's birthday, Alex resisted the overwhelming urge to call her little boy and tell him how much she loved him. But he thought she was dead and he would have to continue on that way.

Alex wondered how permanent this Witness Protection thing really was. She wondered how long it would be before she wouldn't be acting anymore and she would actually become Emily Jennings. She wondered when she would forget Alex Cabot, and Joshua, and Olivia, and everything that had happened so long ago.

She couldn't call her son, so she did the next best thing. The school year was almost over, but the little boy who reminded her so much of her own – Matthew – was still just as poignant as he'd been before. And Alex knew that if she couldn't help her own son, she could do the next best thing and help someone else's. Because she thought – she _knew _– that someone was hurting Matthew. And she knew she had to help him before it was too late. She'd seen what happened to children who didn't get the help they desperately needed.

She got to school early, because she needed to be in an environment where she felt comfortable. Ever since she was a child, school had been a safe haven for her, and she needed the comfort right now. She couldn't be alone with herself, her thoughts, and an echo of the family she'd lost.

It was pouring rain, and it felt like the whole world was crying with her. It was almost comforting, in a way, to know that she wasn't the only one who was feeling lonely today.

She got into the classroom and was surprised to find that the door was already unlocked and ajar and the lights were on. She assumed that the caretakers had come in and cleaned the room; they did that every day before school. She just wasn't usually there early enough to see.

That was when she heard the whimpering. It was so quiet that it was barely audible, but Alex was daunted for a moment. She tried to discern where the sound was coming from. There was nobody in the hallway and she couldn't see anyone in the classroom.

Then she remembered her own hiding place when she was a child, whenever her parents were fighting and she'd wanted to stay tucked away, hidden from view. She closed the classroom door, and sure enough, there was Matthew, curled up in the corner behind the door. He looked up at Alex through frightened emerald eyes, and she noticed his fading black eye. It pierced her heart like a knife, the fact that she could have prevented this, but she hadn't.

She would do what she could to right her wrong. She knelt down beside the little boy and met his eyes. "Hey, Matthew," she said quietly, remembering a tactic Olivia used with children. "What are we hiding from?"

Tears leaked from his eyes like large, wet pearls. "I'm sorry," he whimpered.

"It's okay," she said, holding out her hand. "Why don't you come sit with me and then we'll talk?"

Matthew flinched, but reluctantly obeyed, taking Alex's hand. She helped him to his feet and sat him down at his desk. She pulled out a chair across from him and waited for his sobs to subside before she spoke again.

"So Matthew, what are you doing here so early?"

"Please don't be mad at me!" he begged. "I didn't – I just couldn't go home. I'm sorry. It just – I fell asleep and when I woke up the door was locked and –"

Alex's head was spinning as she tried to figure out what this meant. He'd slept here last night? He'd been hiding behind the door the entire time? No, that couldn't be true. She would have noticed . . . right?

No, actually, she wouldn't have. She knew she wouldn't have. Yesterday she had been too preoccupied with Joshua, too caught up in her own misery to notice much of anything.

Then she noticed Matthew was trembling. She knew that as a teacher, her role was different than the role of an ADA or a detective, but she did what she knew Olivia would do, and she took Matthew's hands in hers. "You fell asleep here? You didn't go home last night?"

He nodded, his emerald eyes shining with fear. "Please don't be upset, Ms. Jennings!"

This little boy was reminding her so much of her own son when they'd first taken him home. She specifically remembered that one time when Joshua had wet his bed, and he had been terrified that Alex was going to punish him, spank him for something that he couldn't control. She saw the same terror in Matthew's eyes now, and it was tearing her heart out.

"I'm not upset, Matthew," she said softly. "Can I tell you a secret?"

He hesitated. "Is it a good secret or a bad secret?"

She smiled in spite of herself. "Smart boy. It's a good secret."

He nodded, albeit reluctantly. "Okay."

"A long time ago, I knew a little boy who was going through a lot of the same things I know you are. Someone was hurting him, and he was afraid. But do you know what he did?"

Matthew looked up at her through wide eyes, and his next words were a mere decibel above a whisper. "What did he do?"

"He told me what was happening, and I helped him. And Matthew, I can help you too. If someone's hurting you, there are always people you can tell. If you don't trust me enough to tell me, you can tell Mrs. Jamison, or Ms. Albright." She thought back to what she'd seen a few months ago between Matthew and his mother. "Or you can tell your daddy. And there's a number that you can call if you ever get scared or if you're ever hurt. You can call 911 and tell them someone's hurting you, and they will come and help you." She smiled to herself. She was sounding just like Olivia, and she was proud of herself for that. Maybe she could redeem herself for her inaction, just a bit.

Matthew nodded, although he still looked apprehensive.

"Matthew," Alex said quietly, leaning toward the little boy. "What happened to your eye?"

Matthew looked at the ground. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"It's a secret," he whispered.

"Is it a good secret or a bad secret?" she asked, parroting his previous words.

He still refused to meet his eyes. "It's a bad secret."

"Sweetie, there are some secrets that you don't have to keep. You can always tell your teachers or your daddy or even a friend's mommy or daddy about these bad secrets."

He finally raised his head. "Mommy hit me."

Alex nodded, trying to smile, but it came out more as a grimace. "Does your mommy do that often?"

He shrugged. "When I'm bad, sometimes."

She caught his eye and made sure he was listening before she said what she knew Olivia would say to this child id she could. "No matter what you do, it is never okay for anyone to hit you, Matthew. _Never_. Matthew, there are people who can help you, and they can make sure your mommy doesn't hurt you anymore."

"Like who?"

"Police officers. I used to have a friend who was a police officer, and her job was to help kids like you." Alex smiled at the memory. "She helped a lot of people."

Matthew considered this, and he finally nodded. "You'll tell a police officer and they'll make sure Mommy doesn't hurt me? And I can stay with Daddy?"

"Yes," agreed Alex. She wasn't sure about the last part, but she would do everything in her power to make sure it was so.

And just like that, a little boy's life was changed for the better. And she had brought upon that change. It was why she'd wanted to become an ADA once upon a time. And helping someone who desperately needed it still felt just as good now as it had then.

* * *

Although she was proud of what she'd done that day, Alex got home after work emotionally drained. Her empty apartment was full of ghosts, echoes of a past that she could never forget.

_Happy birthday, Joshua. _It was the last thought that drifted through her mind before she drifted off into a fitful slumber. Images of little boys whose mothers beat them when they should have hugged them, screamed at them when they should have played with them, and pushed them away when they should have held them close invaded her dreams.

**Review for chapter twenty-five!**


	25. Chapter 25

A few weeks later, Joshua invited a friend over, a girl that he kind of had a crush on. Olivia thought the way they went on was just adorable because of the _innocence_. She saw the worst depravity every day in the name of "love," and Joshua was a breath of fresh air.

The girl was seven years old and she was in Joshua's first grade class. She had a head full of red-gold curls and sparkling emerald eyes. Her name was Arianna. "Arianna is the most beautiful name in the whole entire world," sighed Joshua one day when he got home from school, when he was telling Olivia about the girl he was in love with, and Olivia couldn't help but smile.

As it turned out, Arianna was also perceptive. When Joshua led her into his bedroom (Olivia following a few steps behind), she pointed to the photograph of Alex and Joshua that sat on the little boy's dresser. "Who's that?" she asked.

"That's Alex," he explained. "She's my mommy."

"I thought Olivia was your mommy."

Joshua shrugged. "I have two mommies. But Alex died. She's in heaven, where God lives."

Arianna examined the photo. "She's pretty."

Joshua smiled. "She is," he agreed. "And someday, I'm going to see her again."

Olivia had to turn away. She felt her eyes filling with tears at her son's words, and she knew she would be invading on something special, something sacred between two friends if she stayed. "Do you guys want some cookies?" she asked instead.

"Yes, please," said Arianna politely.

Joshua offered her his most winning smile. "Thank you, Liv."

She smiled at their manners. Most seven-year-olds today weren't nearly as polite as these two. "Since you both asked so nicely, I'll get you a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Is that okay, Arianna?" She didn't bother asking Joshua because she knew they were his favorite.

Arianna nodded. "They're my favorite."

Joshua grinned. "Mine, too!"

Olivia smiled and retreated to the kitchen to find the cookies. She arranged a few of them on a plate, then felt a pang of longing when she remembered what Alex used to do when she set out cookies. She used to create some sort of art project with the food, a flower, or sometimes just circles, but they were always neatly arranged. She'd loved that. She tried to do the same now, shifting the cookies on the plate so they were in the shape of a flower. She poured two glasses for milk and carefully carried the food into Joshua's room. "Be careful not to make a mess," she warned. She didn't usually let Joshua eat anywhere except the kitchen, but she figured today could be an exception to the rule. Olivia's rules for her son weren't particularly stringent, and it was fine that way. Joshua was one of the sweetest, most polite children she knew, and that wasn't just mother's pride speaking.

She sometimes wondered what Joshua talked about with his friends. To her, children were wildly precocious in a way, and they constantly amazed her. Honestly, Olivia was only really good at dealing with people who needed her – abused children, rape victims, and so on. Kids who could stand on their own two feet were beyond her. And Joshua – he taught her something new every day. He was precocious in his own way.

She wished Alex was around to see what a wonderful boy Joshua was becoming. Since they'd met him over a year ago, he'd changed so much. He'd become much more confident, much more comfortable in his own skin. He was kind and strong and caring and generally _happy_. He had a good sense of humor and a maturity beyond his years. What he had said to Casey on his birthday was proof of that.

Speaking of Casey, they had become friends. Casey wasn't Alex, but she didn't try to be. She was to Joshua what Fin was to him, what John was to him, what Serena and Abbie were to him. They were really Olivia's friends, but they treated him well, and he considered them his friends too. He knew he could trust all of them.

* * *

The next day, Olivia had to stop by the precinct after she picked Joshua up from school. She left Joshua with Casey for a few moments while she rummaged around for a certain report she'd filed a few weeks ago and she was sure she'd misplaced. It was frustrating, but the laughter that floated toward her from where Casey and Joshua were sitting and talking helped her relax. She heard bits and pieces of their conversation, and she surmises that Joshua was telling Casey about Arianna. It was very sweet, actually. He'd drawn Arianna a picture and written _I love you _on the bottom. She wondered if she'd had crushes and written them love letters when she was a child. Then she wondered if they'd been male or female. She found that she couldn't remember either.

She finally gave up her futile search for the file and went back to where Casey and her son were chatting. Casey smiled at Olivia. "You have one charming young man here."

Joshua giggled as Olivia lifted him off the desk and took his hand. With the hand that wasn't clutching Olivia's, he waved to Casey and called, "Bye, Case!"

Casey smiled. "Bye, Josh."

Joshua was just discovering nicknames. It was a phase, but she hoped it would pass soon, although she knew there were worse phases some children went through. He'd taken to calling her _Liv_, and Elliot _El_. Casey, apparently, was _Case_. She smiled when she remembered Joshua's disappointment when he hadn't been able to find a nickname for _Fin_.

"Fin is already a nickname," Fin told Joshua. "You can't shorten it any more than that."

He scrunched his face up. "What's it a nickname for?"

"Odafin," Fin explained.

Joshua pouted, then shrugged. "Okay. Then you already have a nickname."

Alex, though, was still Alex. He would never call her _Al_, and he only occasionally called her _Allie_, just like he sometimes called Olivia _Livvy_, especially when he was feeling vulnerable. But Alex was too sacred for anything less.

**Review for chapter twenty-six!**


	26. Chapter 26

**So I'm back from the greatest city in the whole wide world! I had a great trip even though SVU wasn't filming. Oh, well. Thanks for all the reviews and enjoy the next chapter!**

Sometimes, Alex had to resist the overwhelming urge to call Olivia's apartment during the day, when she knew Olivia wouldn't be there, just to hear Olivia's voice on the answering machine. She thought about it often – she could press *67. It would block her number. She could call from a pay phone. She could call from a friend's cell phone. Ugh, who was she kidding – what friend? It had been months and she still hadn't made even one.

But it would be too dangerous. Because she knew that if she called once, she wouldn't be able to stop.

One day, she got home from work with a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Today was just one of those days. She thought of the man who'd tried to kill her and all of a sudden, she wished he'd succeeded.

She couldn't help herself. Before she knew it, she'd dialed her old phone number, and she couldn't stop the tears when she heard her own voice over the telephone, saying brightly, "You've reached Alex, Olivia, and Joshua. If you have something important to say, say it after the beep. If you don't, then hang up and don't call back."

It had been months, and Olivia still hadn't changed the message on the answering machine.

* * *

She climbed into bed even sadder than she had been a few hours ago. It was dark, and she hated the dark. In New York, there were always lights that flickered on the street, from the streetlamps and police cars that drove around the city at all hours. The city lit up at night. In Wisconsin, she had to buy a nightlight, to make her feel better.

It was also silent. In New York, it had never been silent. There was the whir of sirens, fire trucks and police cars and ambulances and so on. There were the shouts of drunken bums and teenagers, and even from her apartment, she could hear the music blaring a few floors up, the pounding of sneakers hitting gravel, circling the city at all hours. New York, the city that never sleeps.

The silence bothered her, more than anything. The noise made her feel alive, even the sound from the television she kept on so she could pretend that someone was here with her. The first night, before she got the television for her bedroom, it had been as silent as her own grave, and she couldn't sleep. She'd pattered into the living room and slept on the couch so she could turn on the television. She flipped channels until she finally found the news, and she almost cried when, live from New York, they reported that a serial rapist had been convicted. Pictures flashed on the screen, one of Olivia and Elliot dragging this monster into a police car, a slim woman with flaming red hair and pasty skin following behind them. Alex balled her hands into fists when she realized this must be her replacement. She hated the woman already. In that picture, she was so thin, so pale that she looked like the living dead. How ironic.

She went out the next day and, against her better judgment, bought a DVR. She set it so that it would record every channel that had anything to do with New York, just in case she could catch a glimpse of Olivia. She watched every day, for three or four hours, but she never saw Olivia again. Not once.

* * *

The next day at school – it still seemed weird to say that – the principal wanted to talk to her before school. "What have I done now?" she muttered to herself. She couldn't for the life of her figure it out.

She sat down across from him, crossing one leg primly over the other, and waited. He was a pudgy man with a weak chin and eyes the wrong shade of brown, and he wore a suit and tie every day, which she thought was odd considering he worked with children who couldn't care less whether he dressed up or came to school in jogging sweats. _My old boss could crush you like an ant, _she thought to herself, and the notion made her smile to herself.

"What's this about?" she asked, her voice coming out funny. She cleared her throat and said it again, then waited.

"Matthew Bainer."

"What about him?" Even as she asked the question, she had a feeling she already knew the answer. This was what her life had come to.

He cleared his throat. "He's in the hospital. He was asking for you. I told him that it wouldn't be proper for you to –"

She didn't care what was proper or even what (he thought) was right. She grabbed her purse and was out the door before he'd even finished his sentence.

* * *

He was lying in a hospital bed, looking so small and pitiful that Alex wanted to hug him, and then she did, because he reminded her so much of her son. His face lit up when he saw her and he said, "Thank you for coming."

She smiled back, but the smile didn't meet her eyes. She smoothed out his sheets, an instinctive gesture. It was so meaningless in one way, and so comforting in another. And suddenly, she had the overpowering urge to confess to this six-year-old little boy that she was not who he thought she was. Her name wasn't Emily Jennings and she wasn't even really a teacher, just like she wasn't the hero she knew he fancied her to be. She knew because the look in his eyes was the look of reverence that she'd seen on child vics whenever they looked at Olivia, and she was almost proud of herself, and then she wasn't, because she knew she was not this child's champion.

She couldn't tell him.

"What happened, Matthew?" she asked gently, taking in the bruises that marred the ashen skin of his neck. The burns on his upper right arm that the hospital gown didn't cover. Cigarette burns. She cursed herself for asking a question she already knew the answer to and amended her words. "How did it happen?" Her real question was how the police officers had let it happen, even as she knew in the back of her mind that not all police officers were like Olivia and even Olivia made mistakes.

Matthew shrugged and looked at his hands. Then he met her gaze, accusations clear in his emerald eyes. "You said nothing bad would happen to me. You said they would help."

And suddenly, Alex didn't know what to say. She had never been good at this, finding the right words of comfort. She was always quick with a witty retort to a scumbag defense attorney, but when it came to using words for consolation, she was at a loss. She wished Olivia was here with her, to help this little boy. And her.

She realized she was using Matthew as a surrogate Joshua, and she knew that she shouldn't. But she could hardly help herself.

She knew better than to ask him anything more, and her heart constricted when she realized that there was no one else who was there for this little boy except for his teacher, who wasn't even really his teacher. She wondered vaguely where his father was. She wondered vaguely whether he knew. She wondered vaguely whether she should call him and tell him.

She discarded each idea.

Alex waited until he fell asleep, and she didn't touch him, rub his back or take him into her arms because it wouldn't have been appropriate and it wouldn't have been right and this was what she had meant, months – _years _– ago when she told Olivia that they were all special, really. She couldn't get too close to this little boy. It would have been the least ethical thing on the planet and she would lose her job.

Why did she even care?

Matthew wasn't Joshua. He _wasn't_.

And suddenly, the tiny hospital room with walls the color of vomit felt suffocating. The walls were closing in on her and she had to escape. She burst from the room and took the elevator up to the roof.

She'd always loved being on the roof, watching from above, when she could see people but they couldn't see her. Tiny specks on the pavement, and way back when she'd used to sit on the roof of the precinct with Olivia, they'd looked down and she'd tried to tell who was who. Some were victims, some were perps, some were witnesses, and the rest didn't matter. It always amazed her how the monsters blended right in.

She could do it, she thought as she stared at the ground from thirty stories up, maybe more. It would be so easy.

She walked right to the edge and stared down. Determination lighting her face, she watched the almost imperceptible flecks of color marring the gravel. And didn't jump.

**Review for more!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Back to school today, so updates might not be so frequent anymore, but we'll see. And I finally got my Fearlessness pendant and I'm SO excited! I'm never going to take it off! Except now I have to figure out what to tell my dad about how it magically appeared. Hm . . . oh, and happy new year and shanah tovah to everyone celebrating Rosh Hashannah tonight! We're going to my grandparents' to celebrate . . . but being there is more like something to mourn rather than to celebrate. I hope I survive it . . .**

**Anyway, this next part takes place over the course of **_**Ghost**_**. A light at the end of the tunnel? Review if you want to find out!**

One night, Joshua came into Olivia's room at two in the morning, wearing one of Alex's old sweatshirts. His face was gilded with tracks of dried tears and he climbed up beside her on the bed, fitting his small, warm body against Olivia's.

"What's the matter, baby?" she asked, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his forehead.

He met Olivia's eyes and promptly burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "It doesn't smell like her anymore!"

_Oh. The shirt_. Olivia got out of bed and picked up the bottle of Alex's brand of perfume from her dresser. She sprayed it in the air, and the smell helped to calm Joshua down, but only for a moment.

"Livvy?" he said, softly, hesitantly, as if he was deciding whether or not he dared to voice the words. "Sometimes – sometimes I think I'm forgetting her. The way she looked. The way she sounded. The things she said."

Olivia sighed and hugged her son tightly. She hated to admit it, but sometimes she felt the same way.

What could she do? She turned on the answering machine for Joshua. It had been close to a year, but she couldn't bear to change it. Alex's bright voice came on and the little boy immediately settled down. He took a deep breath. "Thank you, Liv," he said, so reverently that it was as if she'd given him the Hope Diamond, or something equally precious.

She cradled him in her arms until he fell asleep, and then she tucked him into her own bed and sat beside him, always vigilant, just in case. She was like a lioness when it came to those she loved. She vaguely remembered doing the same for Alex on nights when she had nightmares, staying awake even as Alex slept, protectively standing guard even though she knew that nothing could really happen to her while she was asleep.

* * *

_This was going to be fun,_ she thought the next day, grimacing as O'Halloran pulled up the ballistic match to the one lodged in Antonio's bed. This case was bad enough without being connected to Alex too. She didn't want to think about Alex right now. As a detective, she was gifted at deception, but she still lived in the mortal fear that she would slip up and endanger Alex's life. If you could even call it that. If you could even call _her _miserable existence a life.

* * *

As they worked on the case over the next few weeks, she couldn't help but make it her personal mission to nail this bastard. As much as she hated to admit it, this was about Alex.

She tried to push her lost love from her mind as they searched for Liam Connors. As she interviewed Antonio, she tried not to resent him because he was safe while Alex was living in danger, in _fear_. Honestly, she probably wasn't really even "living" at all.

* * *

They found Liam Connors and Elliot interviewed him himself. They both knew that if Olivia got anywhere near him, she'd kill him with her own bare hands and be perfectly glad about it, too. All in a day's work.

As she watched the two of them, she was torn between wanting to hit something – preferably Connors – and wanting to fall to her knees and sob her heart out. This was what her life had come to.

Elliot finally emerged, cracking his knuckles, and Olivia knew that he wanted to kill Connors too. "Smug bastard," she muttered.

"Except he's right," said Elliot with a sigh. "No one saw him shoot Alex."

"We've still got Antonio." But Olivia was really only saying it to convince herself, not because she actually believed it.

Elliot sighed again. "We've got four murders resting on the shoulders of an eight-year-old who said he saw a ghost."

And Olivia knew he was right.

* * *

Joshua's eighth birthday was coming up, and Olivia tried to put on a happy front for her son. She didn't want to ruin this year's party for him.

This year, when she asked what he wanted, he knew better than to say, "Alex." Instead he said, in a dull, lifeless tone, "A new Bionicle." She knew he didn't mean it, and her heart constricted in her chest.

"What do you want to do for your birthday?"

He shrugged. "I don't care."

Olivia blinked back the tears brimming in her eyes at his indifference. Most kids eagerly awaited their birthdays, at least until they were teenagers. "Well, sweetie, it's your birthday, so it's your choice."

He sighed. "We can go to a movie."

"What movie?"

"_The Incredibles_."

But she knew he was only saying it to please her, and that hurt more than anything.

* * *

The next day, they were going to pick up Antonio from his cousin's house so he could testify for the grand jury. Olivia was trying to calm her pounding heart, trying to pretend that this wasn't a matter of life or death, that it didn't mean so much to her. But it did. Suddenly – "Gun!" she cried, and they all hit the ground.

She hurled herself onto Antonio's cousin to protect her from the gunshots. She almost wished a bullet would hit her, but she couldn't do that to Joshua.

She wished she could have done this for Alex, protected her as she was protecting Antonio's cousin now.

* * *

They were in the courtroom and Judge Preston was about to cut Connors loose. Olivia suddenly couldn't breathe. She had to stop this somehow. He would kill Antonio . . . and her . . . would that really be so bad? But Alex might still be in danger. And she wanted the man who'd shot Alex punished.

But when Casey said, "Your Honor, my detectives are here to re-arrest the defendant for the murder of Alexandra Cabot," it still threw Olivia for a loop.

She couldn't arrest a man for a crime he hadn't committed, and she knew that. But she also couldn't admit that he hadn't committed that crime because that would put Alex's life in danger, and she couldn't do that to the woman she loved. It was a catch-22.

So what could she do? She and Elliot slapped handcuffs on Connors, and she allowed herself to breathe freely with the knowledge that her Alex was safe. But only for a moment.

**Review for chapter twenty-eight!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Please drop me a review if you get a chance. I have a thing for constructive critisism.**

The visit was unprecedented. No, make that completely unexpected. She had – almost – come to accept the life of Emily Jennings at face value. But when she opened the door and saw Agent Hammond and Captain Cragen standing in the driveway, she nearly fainted. Had something happened to Olivia? Was that what they were coming to tell her? And it didn't even occur to her that it might be good news when she bit out, "What happened?"

It wasn't good news, but nevertheless, she shouldn't have been so quick to judge. They asked if they could come in, and Alex was too stunned to even consider saying no. She opened the door fully and led them into the living room. She sat down opposite them on the couch, trying not to tremble in trepidation. She was going to be strong. She had to be.

She couldn't be. She wrapped her arms around herself to keep from shivering. "What is it?" she asked again, trying not to let her voice betray her fear.

Captain Cragen raised an eyebrow. "It's nice to see you, too."

If it hadn't been such a serious situation and if she hadn't lost half of her wit and all of her good humor, she would have answered with a snappy retort. But she was too tired, too anxious, and frankly, too fearful. "Is it – is it Olivia? Is she all right?"

"She's fine," said the captain quickly. "She misses you. So does Joshua."

Alex managed a small smile, although she knew that this wasn't the time for nostalgia. "It's his birthday tomorrow."

Apparently, Hammond agreed with her, because he cut right to the chase. "We found the man who shot you." He handed her the grainy photograph of Liam Connors.

She involuntarily began to tremble when she saw the picture, but she tried to keep her voice strong. "So this is what he looks like." She hesitated and took a moment to compose herself. "Every time a stranger glanced at me, I thought, 'Did he find me? Is he going to kill me?' And now I know." She sighed. "I would like nothing more than to see Liam Connors pay for what she did to me. But it goes against every principle I had as a lawyer to try a man for a crime he didn't commit." Saying those words still pierced her heart like a knife. And then it occurred to her. Could she even dare to hope that she would be allowed to go back now, back to her Olivia?

"You understand, I didn't have a choice," said Captain Cragen apologetically.

Alex didn't bother trying to discern the possible double meaning of his words. "I know you can't commit perjury. You're going to have to tell the court that I'm still alive."

"I'm just sorry that the bastard won't have to answer for what he did to you."

This was her chance. With a hint of that old spark igniting in her eyes, she said hotly, "Oh, he will. I want him charged with my attempted murder."

With something that sounded remarkably like concern lacing his tone, Hammond said, "No. You'd have to go back to testify. That's stepping right into the crosshairs."

With a determination that she hadn't felt in months, Alex said, "For years, I convinced victims to face their attackers. Now it's time for me to step up."

"Your testimony won't help the case!" said the captain. "You can't ID Connors as your shooter."

"If I don't go back, the defense will issue a missing witness charge and you will lose your case," said Alex, as if she was explaining things to a small child.

"But we still got Connors on four counts of murder," pointed out Hammond.

She hid her smile. Had they forgotten that she was Alex Cabot, and when she made up her mind to do something, no one and nothing was going to get in her way?

She almost gasped. That was right. She _was _Alex Cabot. Not Emily Jennings. Alex Cabot.

She covered it up with a quick retort. "Because an eight-year-old boy has the guts to testify. After being shot – twice."

"Alex, if you go back, they _will _try to kill you again," said Captain Cragen.

Alex took a deep breath and made a decision. "I have lost my home, my job, my friends . . . my mother _died _and I couldn't go to the funeral. Liam Connors is _not _going to take my conscience too." _Or my Olivia_, she silently added.

* * *

The moment the plane touched down in New York, Alex was so overcome with emotion that she burst into tears, not even caring that Captain Cragen and Hammond were beside her, looking on uncomfortably. She'd missed this city _so fucking much_. She inhaled the pungent fumes of diesel exhaust – the _city _– and she thought that this was bliss.

She didn't stop crying as they got into a cab and started off for the DA's office. She made a conscious effort to compose herself as they neared the building. She had to be strong for Olivia. She remembered their last meeting, when Olivia had nearly fallen apart. Alex couldn't do that to her again.

The captain led her to her replacement – Casey Novak's – office. The office that had used to be hers. She tried to push away the pang of envy that enveloped her at the thought. She was going to see Olivia again. That was all that mattered.

Captain Cragen opened the door and there was Olivia, with Elliot and the new ADA. But Alex only had eyes for Olivia. Her hair had grown out a little, her face was a bit more creased, she'd lost a few pounds, but she was still _Olivia_.

She stood there for a moment, her mouth hanging open in shock at the sight of Alex. "Alex . . ." was all she could push past her lips.

Elliot, being the overprotective partner her was, rescued her from having to say anything more. "You didn't have to come back."

Alex managed a small smile. "I know, but who else is gonna get you out of trouble?"

Casey cleared her throat, and Alex wanted to smack her for ruining their moment, but then she understood how uncomfortable the other attorney must be feeling right now and forgave her when she said, "Before everyone gets reacquainted, they're waiting for us in court."

Elliot started to follow her, but Alex couldn't tear her eyes from Olivia. _Her _Olivia. She hardly dared to breathe. She couldn't believe that she was here, with Olivia.

The moment everyone had left, and it was just the two of them, Olivia's face spread into a wide grin. The smile looked unfamiliar on her face, like her muscles weren't used to pulling that way anymore. Alex's heart wrenched at the sight, but Olivia's smile did for her what rain does for the desert, and suddenly everything was okay as she ran to Olivia and she felt her girlfriend's arms wrap around her. Here, in Olivia's embrace, she felt safer than she'd felt in . . . forever. It had been so long and yet it felt so good.

"I love you," she murmured, kissing Olivia, hard and soft at the same time, passionate and calming, long and all too short, and she thought that it felt almost like dying. Or at least, the way she'd felt when she was shot. So close, yet so far.

Olivia squeezed her tightly and she felt a salty tear land on the crown of her head as Olivia kissed her again. "Oh, my God, Alex – I can't believe it's really you!" And then she really was crying as she said, "I thought I was never going to see you again!" She wiped her eyes when she realized what she was doing, but she begged, "Please don't ever leave me again."

"I won't," pledged Alex. She couldn't bear to let go of her lost – now found – love. "Oh, Liv." She inhaled the subtle scent of Olivia's shampoo – coconuts still. It was the most comforting smell in the world. "I love you so much." Then she pulled back, composing herself, because she feared that if she didn't, she would collapse in Olivia's arms and never be able to get back up. She took a deep breath. "We have an arraignment to get to."

Olivia did the same, wiping her eyes to disguise the fact that she'd been crying. "Right." But she grabbed onto Alex's hand and the two of them walked side by side to the courtroom.

**Review for chapter twenty-nine!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Thanks for all the reviews I got in the last chapter! Please keep them coming. :)**

Alex went home with Olivia after work. She couldn't believe how good it felt to be back in her apartment. "Josh, I brought you a birthday present!" called Olivia, shrugging off her coat and taking Alex's; an odd gesture, Alex thought, considering this used to be her apartment too. It still was.

"Thank you," he called back dully, his voice devoid of any true happiness.

"Come see it!" Olivia prodded.

She heard him sigh, but he obediently plodded toward the front hall.

His face broke into a wide grin when he saw Alex and he immediately burst into tears and ran to her, jumping into her outstretched arms. She held him – her _son _– and covered him with kisses, and soon their tears intermingled.

She tried a joke. "My goodness, Joshy, you're getting heavy!"

That set him off again and he clung more tightly to her. "I thought you were dead!"

"Oh, Joshua." She didn't know what to say to that. She didn't know what Olivia had told him. All she knew was that they tried not to involve Joshua in their work lives.

He looked up at her through shiny blue eyes. "Are you – are you a ghost?"

She hugged him tightly. "No, baby."

"You're really here?"

She nodded, offering him a watery smile. "I'm really here."

He burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "Don't ever leave me!"

"I won't," she promised, kissing his hair. "Never. I love you, baby. More than anything in the whole wide world."

"Except me," cut in Olivia, grinning.

"You're the only worthy competitor," said Alex, holding Joshua even tighter, then balancing him on her hip and kissing his forehead. "Happy birthday, sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't get you a gift."

He wrapped his arms around her neck. "You're my gift."

She melted. That was what her son did to her. "You're getting to be such a big boy! Are you still the undefeated checkers champion?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "Will you play with me?"

She nodded and shifted him on her hip. Even though he was heavy, and she'd lost weight while in Witness Protection, she wanted – _needed _– to be close to her son right now.

They played four games of chess, then Elliot called to ask if the party was still on for Joshua's birthday. Olivia asked Joshua if he still wanted it, and he deferred to Alex, who smiled and said, "Honey, it's your birthday. It's your choice."

He looked at her longingly, then said with a maturity beyond his years, "If you just want to be with us, that's okay."

"I'm here to stay now, Joshy. You can have your birthday party if you still want to."

He smiled shyly. "Yes, please."

Olivia told Elliot that they were still on, and within half an hour, the doorbell rang and John arrived. "Whoa, aren't you supposed to be – dead?" he asked when he saw Alex, scratching his head. Then his eyes widened. "They stashed you away in Witness Protection, didn't they?"

Alex managed a wry smile. "This really _was _a conspiracy."

Joshua ran to the front door and grinned up at John. "Hey, Josh," said John, holding out his hand for a high five and handing the little boy a wrapped box. "Happy birthday!"

"Thank you," said Joshua politely, but he couldn't contain his grin when he turned back to Alex. "But I already have the best birthday present in the world!"

Fin and Elliot arrived, along with Kathy and the Stabler kids, minus Maureen because she was away at university. Abbie and Serena arrived shortly after.

Casey arrived last, a bit uncertain as she stood awkwardly in the doorway, holding a gift for Joshua. But he gave her a smile and a hug. "Thank you for coming, Casey," he said politely, handing his gift to Olivia.

She smiled back and knelt down so they were eye level. "Happy birthday, Joshua."

"Guess what? Alex is back! She wasn't dead. She's my birthday gift."

Alex knew that Joshua hadn't meant to be rude, he was a just a child and well . . . tactless. But the sadness that flashed in Casey's eyes made her feel bad. "Come in, Casey," she said, taking Joshua's hand and leading him back inside. "Thank you for coming."

Casey still looked uneasy, but she perched on the edge of the couch between Serena and Fin. Alex sat down beside Olivia and pulled Joshua onto her lap, kissing the crown of his head. "I love you, honey," she murmured in his ear. She could still hardly believe that she was back, with her little boy.

He clung to her all night and insisted that she help him blow out the candles on his birthday cake.

Alex read to him and tucked him into bed that night, and she stayed with him until he fell asleep. Then she went to her own bedroom and lay down beside Olivia. "You cannot imagine how good this feels."

"Mm." Olivia pulled Alex close and gently stroked her hair. "I actually can." She smiled wanly. "So how was Witness Protection?"

"Mm." Alex snuggled closer to Olivia. "Let's not talk about that. Tell me how Joshua's been doing."

She sighed. "You missed a lot. He went through this phase where he refused to call anyone by their full names and he called me _Liv _and Elliot _El _and so on. It was cute, actually." She was careful to omit how he'd cried for her every night for weeks after her "death," how he'd insisted on visiting her grave at least twice a week, how hostile he'd been toward Casey at first because he'd thought she was trying to replace Alex, how he'd worn her sweatshirts around the house because they smelled like her. The conversations he'd had with Alex at her grave, the ones he believed she was participating in. The nightmares. The fear.

"What about school?" asked Alex, eager for information about her son.

Olivia shrugged. "He's going into grade three in September. He loves school, actually. He has friends there. His favorite subject is math."

Alex shook her head in wonderment. "No idea where he gets _that _from."

Olivia smiled ruefully. "He's his own kid."

"What else?"

"He has this crush on a little girl named Arianna. She's just adorable. You'll probably get to meet her in a few days; she comes over pretty much every Saturday. I signed him up for swimming lessons starting in September, and t-ball, because Arianna's doing it too. It's the littlest version of Little League. He's reading chapter books by himself now. He's a smart kid. He still loves _Transformers _and dinosaurs and Lego, and his new thing is Bionicles. He also likes Pokémon, and Yu-Gi-Oh, and B-daman."

"Oh, God. I missed him." Alex tried to smile, because she feared she would cry if she didn't. "I love him so much, Liv."

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "I love _you _so much, Alex."

And that night, she fell asleep and slept through the night for the first time in over a year, safe in Olivia's arms.

**Review for chapter thirty!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Quick question before we get on with the story: on a scale of one to ten (with one being absolutely normal and ten being complete stalker), how stalker-ish is it to somehow locate pictures from Stephanie March's high school yearbook (it's amazing what floats around on the Internet nowadays) and examine them more carefully than I examine my own yearbook? (I spent maybe ten minutes just staring at them.) I would say it's an eight . . . definitely past the point of obsession. :P Anyway, back to the story!**

When Alex woke up in the morning, she found a warm body curled up against hers. She smiled and ran a hand through Joshua's hair. "You need a haircut," she murmured, half to herself, happily surprised to find that the little boy was still asleep. She supposed his early morning rising habits had been broken over the past year and a half.

She absently rubbed the little boy's back and kissed his forehead. He didn't stir, and she was happy just to lie here, between the two people she loved most in the world.

* * *

The next evening, Alex went with Casey to her office – which used to be _her _office, and it still hurt when she thought of it that way – to go over her testimony. To her surprise, Mike and Antonio were there already, sitting on the couch. Antonio looked at Alex and Casey with his big, dark eyes and said, "I'm really scared. I don't want to see the ghost. He gives me bad dreams. He says he's going to kill me."

"He had a nightmare last night," explained Mike. "The ghost had a gun in the courtroom."

Alex glanced at Casey, and she could tell that the other attorney didn't really know what to say to that, but she tried anyway. "That sounds like a really scary dream," she sympathized. "But, you know what, Antonio? The ghost doesn't have a gun anymore because the police took it away from him."

"I know," said Antonio. "Mike told me. But I still don't want to go to court."

Alex knew instinctively that empathy would work comfort Antonio in this situation, and sharing her own experiences might not be such a bad thing. So she leaned toward him and said, "I got shot just like you."

"By the ghost?" he asked.

"Yes," she told him, "And I have to go to court too."

"Are you scared?"

"A little," she replied truthfully. "I get scared that he might try and hurt me again, but then I remember that I have friends to protect me just like you do and it makes me feel safe."

He looked at the ground, still clearly unsure. "I wish my mom was here."

That took Alex's breath away for a moment because she wished her own mother was here too. She'd died while Alex was in Witness Protection and Alex had never even got to say goodbye. Alex could imagine how much it would have hurt for her mother to believe she'd outlived her only child. Even though she'd never been particularly close with her mother, Mrs. Cabot was still her mother, and Alex made a note to go visit her grave this weekend.

"I'll keep working with him," said Mike, noticing the look on Alex's face. "Come on, Antonio."

The little boy glanced at Alex one more time before following Mike out the door.

Alex let out a deep breath as Casey sat down across from her. "We should keep preparing my testimony." In all honesty, Alex was probably ready for whatever they were going to throw at her, but being back here, in this office, made her feel safe in a way. The only other place she found this safety was with Olivia. With the feeling of safety came a wave of nostalgia that threatened to drown her, but still, most of the memories were good, and Alex didn't want to leave just yet.

"You know, we've gone over all my questions. I think you're ready," said Casey. Alex could tell Casey was trying to be compassionate, but if anything, that only peeved her even more.

She couldn't quite bite back the bitter retort that was on the tip of her tongue. "Are you?"

Casey just stared at Alex for a moment, pain reflected in her eyes, and Alex winced. She knew she shouldn't be taking her anger out on Casey; after all, none of this is her fault. "Casey, I'm sorry. That was out of line."

Casey nodded sympathetically. "It's got to be hard to be on that side of a desk."

* * *

The night before the trial, Alex tried to wind down, but she was a bundle of nerves. She tossed and turned all night, but Olivia didn't even complain. She just took Alex into her arms and held her close. "You'll do fine, baby," she assured Alex, kissing her cheek. "I love you, Alex, and I'm so proud of you."

Alex still couldn't manage to stay still. She finally climbed out of bed and said, "I'm going to shower."

Olivia propped her head up on an elbow. "At three in the morning?"

Alex sighed. "I'm sorry, Liv. I'm not going to be able to sleep."

She started for the bathroom, and a moment later, she heard the pounding of footsteps coming toward her. "I'm coming with you," Olivia informed her, running the shower for Alex.

Alex smiled ruefully. Olivia always did try to take care of her.

The two of them undressed and climbed into the shower. Alex stood underneath the spray and let the water cascade down her back, smiling as she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her and a tender kiss being pressed to her shoulder blade. "It's going to be okay, baby," murmured Olivia, kissing her again. "We're going to be a family again."

Alex leaned into Olivia and closed her eyes. "We _are _a family."

**Review for the next installment!**


	31. Chapter 31

**Please try to review if you have a chance. They really make my day and inspire me to write faster!**

Alex folded her hands in her lap and scanned the gallery for Olivia as she mounted the witness stand in the courtroom the next day. They made eye contact and the detective gave her a smile. Alex was reassured, and she glanced at Connors, then Casey, locking eyes with the redhead as she asked, "Ms. Cabot, would you describe for the jury what happened after you were shot?"

"I woke up in the hospital," said Alex as calmly as she could. "The marshals were there. They told me I was dead, officially, and that the only way they could keep me alive was in Witness Protection."

"Thank you," said Casey, then turned to Roger Kressler. "Your witness."

Kressler got up and walked toward Alex. "That sounds like quite an ordeal," he remarked. "I think we're all very moved by your experience."

Alex cocked her head to the side. "Do you have a question?"

Kressler smirked. "Only one. Did you see my client shoot you?"

"I saw his gun aimed at my heart," responded Alex clearly and deliberately.

"Please, Ms. Cabot, just answer the question. On the night that you were shot, did you see Liam Connors anywhere in the vicinity?"

"No," replied Alex. "But he's a coward. He likes to run away. Did you leave a family behind in Ireland, Mr. Connors?"

"Your Honor –" began Kressler, and Alex would have smirked at his exasperation if it hadn't been so serious.

"Ms. Cabot, please," warned Judge Preston.

"You have absolutely no idea who shot you, do you?" asked Kressler.

"Oh, I have an idea," snapped Alex. "It's the kind of man who likes to rape a woman to make her talk."

"Let me rephrase the question. Did you see Liam Connors shoot you?"

"No," answered Alex shortly. "But I know it was him."

"Objection, Your Honor!"

Alex turned so she was facing Connors, and she ignored Kressler, speaking directly to him. This was her revenge, because Alex Cabot didn't get mad. She got even. "It takes a lot of balls to shoot an unarmed woman and a sleeping child! Too bad your aim wasn't a little better," she taunted him, even though she knew in the back of her mind that she really shouldn't. She was on a roll and nothing was going to stop her now.

"Objection!" called Kressler. "Your Honor."

And Alex was rewarded when Connors jumped to his feet and cried, "You think you're safe? They know where you are! You should have stayed dead!"

"Enough!" called Judge Preston. "We're in recess until Mr. Kressler can control his client." She turned to Alex. "You may step down, Ms. Cabot."

With dignity, Alex climbed down from the stand, her head held high with confidence. She tried not to smirk. She'd gotten what she wanted. Liam Connors was going to jail for a long, long time.

As Alex left the courtroom, she saw Antonio and Mike walking toward her. "Hi, Alex," said Antonio with a smile.

Alex knelt down so they were eye level. "Antonio, I am so glad that you could come to the court."

"I'm proud of him, too," said Mike, then turned to Antonio. "But you have a decision to make."

"Antonio, what do you want to do?" asked Alex, using the same voice she'd used a few days before when she'd asked Joshua about his birthday party.

Antonio sighed, his lower lip quivering as he replied, "I don't know. I want to tell the judge what he did to my parents. But I'm still kind of scared."

"I understand," Alex sympathized, meeting his eyes. "I just had my turn in court."

"Did you see the ghost?" the little boy asked.

"Yes."

"Were you scared?" he asked.

"Yes," admitted Alex. "But now that it's over, I feel much better."

Antonio took a deep breath. "I want to do it."

"Okay." And Alex smiled as Mike took his hand and led him to the courtroom.

* * *

Connors was found guilty. The jury came back in less than an hour. "Record time," Alex commented dryly to Olivia.

Not even caring that they were in public, Olivia held her close and pressed her lips to Alex's, pulling her into a passionate, breathtaking kiss. Alex closed her eyes and leaned into it, enjoying the familiar feeling of Olivia's soft lips on hers.

When they finally broke apart, Alex smiled in bliss. This was going to last. She and Olivia were going to be together forever, as they'd promised so long ago.

"I'm going home to shower. Joshua's still at Mrs. Andre's right?"

Olivia nodded. "She'll hold onto him for the evening."

"Okay. I'll meet you back at the precinct in an hour."

Olivia smiled, gently caressing Alex's cheek. "Okay, baby. I love you."

Alex threw Olivia a smile over her shoulder as she walked away. "I love you, too."

**Review if you want to know what happens next!**


	32. Chapter 32

**My apologies for the shortness of this chapter. I hope you enjoy it anyway!**

Olivia couldn't stop grinning as she and Elliot drove back to the precinct. "It's over," she kept repeating, more to herself than anything. "It's over."

Elliot smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. "It is."

They got to the precinct and went inside, where the captain, Casey, and Mike were waiting with drinks and goofy grins on their faces. "Guilty on all counts!" announced Casey.

"I never doubted it would be anything else," said Elliot, pride lacing his voice, but whether it was at Casey or Alex was anyone's guess. Maybe both.

Olivia handed the bottle of wine she'd picked up to Mike. "Let's get this party started!"

Mike grinned. "Oh, that's what I'm talking about."

"Alex knew just how to push Connors' buttons," remarked Captain Cragen.

Olivia shrugged modestly. "She's a great prosecutor."

The captain quirked an eyebrow. "And you gave her the ammunition."

Suddenly, there was a noise in the front hall. "I guess Alex must have already had a few," muttered Olivia to herself, smirking at the thought.

Elliot motioned for everyone to quiet down. "Is that her? Is that her?"

But when the door opened, it wasn't Alex who stood in the doorway. It was Hammond, and Olivia stared at him in confusion for a moment. "Where's Alex?"

Hammond sighed. "Marshals are moving her and Antonio to new identities. She asked me to say goodbye."

And then he turned and walked away.

Olivia stared after her. She suddenly couldn't breathe and gripped Captain Cragen's desk to keep her knees from buckling. Elliot grabbed her shoulders to stop her from falling. "Just breathe," he intoned. "You okay?"

Olivia managed to remain upright as she glanced back at Elliot. "No," she said shakily. "No, I'm not okay." She clasped her hands to stop them from trembling. "She didn't even say goodbye!"

"She couldn't," Elliot tried to assure her. "It was sudden. It's to keep Alex safe." He patted her shoulder in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture, but it only increased the threat of the tears that were brimming in Olivia's eyes. "You'll see her again someday."

"No." Olivia shook her head, lowering her eyes before looking up to meet his gaze. "It's never going to end. And what am I supposed to tell Joshua?"

"I'll come with you," Elliot offered.

And Olivia was too worn out to argue.

* * *

The two of them picked up a sleepy Joshua from Mrs. Andre's apartment and brought him home. Olivia sat down in the living room and pulled Joshua onto her lap. Elliot sat down beside them and Joshua looked from one to the other, the fear in his eyes increasing exponentially. "Where – where's Alex?"

Olivia opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She glanced helplessly at Elliot. She couldn't deal with this right now.

He got the message and put an arm around Joshua, looking right into his eyes. "Josh, you're getting to be a big boy now and I think you can handle this." When Joshua nodded, he continued, "Alex had to go away."

"Is she dead?" asked Joshua quietly.

"No. But you're probably not going to be able to see her for awhile, buddy."

"Why?"

Olivia could see that Elliot was struggling with this, so she cut in, "There are some people who want to hurt her, and to protect her, she needs to go away."

"Why do they want to hurt her?"

Olivia sighed and started to gently rub Joshua's back. "Adult issues, honey."

Tears brimmed in Joshua's big blue eyes. "But she didn't even say goodbye! She promised." And then he began to cry, tears leaking from his eyes like large, wet peals as he leaned against Olivia. "She said she'd never leave me and she did. She lied!"

"Oh, sweetheart. She didn't mean to. She didn't know this was going to happen."

"I want to see her!" howled Joshua. "I need to see her. I need my Alex!"

_Oh, Joshua, _Olivia didn't say. _So do I_.

**Review if you'd like to know what happens next!**


	33. Chapter 33

**I'm so glad I'm in Canada because we had our two hours of SVU last night! Is it a bad thing that I spent the whole episode staring at Mariska's Fearlessness necklace and saying every thirty seconds, "We're twins!" Okay, maybe not *every* thirty seconds.**

There she was again, being whisked away from New York City. Being torn away from Olivia, from Joshua. It was a late flight, and as the earth dropped away under the wings of the airplane, Alex strained to commit to memory this last, fast-receding glimpse of the glittering spread of Manhattan. The plane climbed higher, away from New York, away from the woman – and the child – she loved. Everything falling away.

This time, she was tired of being strong. She buried her head in her hands and cried.

She'd forgotten that Antonio was sitting a few seats away. He crawled over to her and plopped himself down on her lap. "Alex? What's wrong?"

She wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to smile. "Nothing, honey. I'm fine."

Antonio sighed and leaned against her. "I miss my mommy and daddy." He hesitated. "Do you miss Olivia?"

Her eyes snapped open. "What?"

He grinned, a bit sheepishly. "Mike told me." He paused. "Are we gonna be together?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't think so."

Antonio's face fell. "Oh."

Alex immediately felt bad. "Do you know how to play first letter, last letter?" It was a game she vaguely recalled playing with Joshua. _Joshua_.

They played until the plane touched down in a place even more secluded than where she'd been in Wisconsin.

"Couldn't you have put me in a nice, big city?" Alex griped to Hammond. "Wouldn't it be safer? More anonymous?"

"More expensive," he pointed out. "That's the way things work around here."

"I hate this," muttered Alex. "I don't care if Velez wants to kill me. Take me back to New York! Now!"

Hammond was probably the first person in the world not to obey – or even seem impressed by – a direct order from the formidable Alexandra Cabot. "That's not going to happen until Velez is dead, so cut it out."

Alex was halfway to hysteria now, and she took a deep breath to calm herself. "I don't care!" she shrieked, not even minding the fact that they were putting on a show for the other passengers.

"I know you obviously don't care about yourself, because you continue to put yourself in harm's way even when we advise you against it, but think of that detective you're so fond of. And your kid."

Alex balled her hands into fists. "Don't talk about them like that," she growled, even though she knew he was right.

"Alex?" Antonio was looking from Hammond to Alex, uncertainty flickering in his big brown eyes.

Another agent took Antonio's hand. "We need to leave," he said to the little boy.

"Isn't Alex coming?"

Alex knelt down so they were eye level. "I'm not, honey. But you're going to be okay."

His eyes remained locked on hers as one of the marshals shepherded him off the plane.

"I'm not getting off this plane," proclaimed Alex, even though she knew she was being ridiculous. She was bluffing, so obviously that she would have fainted in surprise if he hadn't called her out on it.

"Don't make us drag you, Ms. Cabot," threatened Hammond.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Is that a threat?"

"No, that's a promise."

Alex crossed her arms over her chest, restoring her icy façade. And then – and then it was over. She'd lost and she knew it.

She burst into tears and limply, mutely, compliantly followed the marshals off the plane. There was no more fight left in her. It was over. She didn't have a choice anymore. She just had to do what they told her.

In a way, it was frightening, but in another way, it was liberating, not to have to be in charge, in control all the time. She could put her life in someone else's hands and trust them to make the decisions for her.

She was shepherded into an unmarked police car, and wondered vaguely whether or not there was a reason they had put her in the backseat when she could have easily sat in the front. Had they wanted to make sure she couldn't escape? That was ridiculous. Where would she go? And how would she get there? She had no money – and currently, no identity. Or at least, no _proof_ of any identity.

"Your name is Nancy Daniels," intoned Hammond from the driver's seat.

"I hate the name Nancy," she snapped. "Couldn't you have given me a name that blends in with the twenty-first century?"

He continued speaking as if he hadn't heard her. "You were born in Boston and you spent the first fifteen years of your life traveling with your parents, because of your father's job. Your parents are dead. You were married, but your husband is also dead. His name was Jonathan Daniels and you kept his name. He died from lung cancer last year. You went to NYU and you have a PhD in psychology, _Dr_. Daniels."

"That's nice," growled Alex. "That's _such _a useful PhD to have."

Hammond shrugged. "Maybe not."

She marveled at how easy it was to construct an identity, to manufacture a person from thin air. It would be so easy just to fall off the face of the earth and become someone else.

She replaced her icy façade. "So what am I – excuse me, what is _Nancy_ – supposed to do with her life?"

He shrugged again. "That's your problem."

If he'd been closer, she would have smacked him. She folded her hands in her lap to keep from doing do anyway. She wondered if she had the strength to smash the door of the police car, get out, and catch the first flight to New York. Not likely.

Hammond seemed to read her mind. He glanced at her through the rearview mirror and said, "Don't even think about it."

"You're kidnapping me," she lamented, even though she knew that wasn't the case.

He snickered. "We're protecting you – and Olivia. And your kid." He hesitated, then smirked. "We've dealt with uncooperative witnesses before, but you take the cake, Ms. Daniels. You are possibly the most stubborn woman I've ever met."

Alex sank a little deeper into herself at the use of her new name. "That's what Olivia says," she muttered, more to herself than anything.

She really wished Hammond would say something to reassure her, tell her that she'd be back someday, that she'd see Olivia again. But he wouldn't say that, because it wasn't true. And she wouldn't have expected any less.

She was more terrified right now than she'd ever been in her life. More afraid than when she'd been shot, more afraid than all those times Olivia had went undercover and hadn't told her. She knew this was for good. She felt it in her bones. She was never going to see her love or her son again, and the desperation made her reckless. She actually debated how to escape and get back to New York – not _whether _she should do it, because she would in a second, but _how_. She didn't care if they tried to kill her. She just cared about Olivia.

And then she realized how selfish that was. If she went back, she'd be putting her family in danger.

But she'd never even got to say goodbye.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	34. Chapter 34

**On another random note, has anyone ever written a letter to Stephanie March? I totally want to, but I have no clue what to say. Imagine that! And once again, my reviews have been waning. Please drop me one if you can!**

Olivia was angry. She didn't know whether she was more angry at Alex (illogical as it was) for leaving her and Joshua like this, two broken hearts that couldn't be mended until she returned. She hadn't even said goodbye! Or she might have been angrier at the Feds, for carting Alex off again and not even giving her the _chance _to say goodbye.

The only thing she really knew was that she was angry – no, make that _furious _– at Velez and his henchmen, the ones who set this ball rolling to begin with.

Elliot had offered to stay with them, but Olivia had brushed him off. "You go spend time with your wife," she told him. _Go enjoy what you have and I don't_, she didn't add, but the words were there, and Elliot heard them, loud and clear. They were partners and best friends, and one glance that passed between them said the world.

Olivia couldn't keep doing this. She couldn't continue to let Alex turn her world upside down, every time she walked in and out of her life. Her son needed stability. She knew in the back of her mind that none of this was Alex's fault, but she was still livid. And then suddenly, she wasn't. She was just downright exhausted.

She could hear her son's quiet whimpers from the other room. She'd offered to let him stay with her, but he'd shaken his head and walked mutely to his own room, clutching his teddy bear to his chest and rocking listlessly back and forth. He didn't want the comfort right now. But then, maybe he was afraid that Olivia would leave him too. She wanted to comfort him, and she needed the comfort herself, but she thought that maybe Joshua just needed to be alone to gather his thoughts. So she let him be.

But she wasn't even surprised when she felt the warm body fitted against hers several hours later, and tears soaking her shirt. She wrapped her arms around her son and sighed deeply, matching her own breathing with his. It was almost soothing to be able to do that, to know that her son was still with her, living, breathing, tangible, _here_.

"I miss her already," murmured Joshua, not even trying to quell the flow of his tears. "She promised – she promised!"

"Oh, baby." Olivia kissed the crown of his head. She didn't know how to reassure her son. "But she's alive," she said, attempting to comfort them both.

"Will she call us?"

Olivia sighed. "She can't, honey. They might hurt her if she does. We don't want Alex to get hurt."

He stared at his hands. "How come she doesn't love me anymore?"

"Oh, baby, she does. She does love you. She loves both of us. We'll be together again someday, the three of us. It won't last forever." She knew in the back of her mind that she shouldn't make promises she wasn't sure she could keep, but she believed, in that moment, that it was the truth.

He rested his head on Olivia's stomach. "I can't sleep."

"Well, you can stay with me, honey."

Joshua stuck out his lower lip. "I want to go be with Alex! Why couldn't she have brought us with?"

"She couldn't." Olivia knew she was just repeating the same thing over and over again and it wasn't really making any difference, but she had to try to reassure her son. "You have school, Josh. You have your friends, and I have my job –"

"But Alex has friends, and a job, and us! And she left anyway."

Olivia winced. She knew Joshua was right. This was going to be harder now, because he was older and understood more about the way the world worked, but he didn't understand nearly as much as he thought he did. How was she supposed to explain Witness Protection and Columbian hit men to an eight-year-old?

"Why would someone want to hurt Alex?"

So many questions she didn't know how to answer, but she had to try. "Do you remember what Alex's job is?"

Joshua nodded. "To put bad guys in jail."

"Right. And sometimes they get mad at her because they don't want to go to jail, and sometimes they might want to hurt her. And we need to keep her safe."

"But then why does she do it?"

What a question. Why _did _Alex do it? Why did _Olivia _do it? She couldn't even explain it to herself. She did it because someone had to. N, maybe that wasn't it. She knew that she wouldn't be able to stop if she tried. But she gave Joshua the answer that would make the most sense to an eight-year-old. "Because there are a lot of bad people out there and they deserve to go to prison. And it's important for someone to make sure they get there, and that's what Alex and I do. We help keep people safe."

Joshua nodded solemnly. "But I wish someone else could do it."

She didn't know what to say to him. "It's hard sometimes, but it's worth it in the end."

He leaned back against Olivia. "I'm proud of you, Livvy."

Olivia smiled at him. "I'm proud of you, too."

"And Alex?"

"She's proud of you, too. I know she is."

Joshua sniffled. "I'm proud of her, even though I wish she was here."

"She is here," said Olivia softly.

Joshua narrowed his eyes in confusion. "No, she's not."

She put her hand on his chest. "She's in our hearts."

**Review for chapter thirty-five!**


	35. Chapter 35

She was used to being relocated by now. They settled her in a house with a white picket fence and a huge backyard. When she was a child, living in New York City, she'd always wanted her own backyard. But that did little to soften the blow.

The house was almost empty, and Alex liked it that way. She didn't want it to feel like home, because it wasn't her home, and she didn't want it to be. She wanted to hold on to the hope that someday, someday soon, she would be able to go back to be with Olivia and Joshua. That was her home.

She went from room to room, making sure the place was immaculate, which it was. Alex thrived on structure and she couldn't exist in a disorganized environment. She located a dead bug on top of a heating vent – or at least, she thought it was dead. It occurred to her that the vile insect might just be unconscious. She'd never actually realized that bugs could be unconscious before, but she'd knocked one out by slamming the front door while she was in Wisconsin and just left it on the ground, and when she'd got back, it was gone. She hated insects, but she'd gotten used to them over the past few years. She'd had to.

Back in New York, the big, bad ADA who could reduce a murderer to jelly at her feet had been entirely creeped out by bugs. She wouldn't say she was afraid of them because logically, she wasn't. She knew they couldn't hurt her. It was just the thought of them crawling up her skin that made her shudder. She used to scream for Olivia whenever she saw a bug, and Olivia would run to her and kill the pesky creature. The things Olivia did for her . . .

She stared at the insect for a moment, trying to determine whether the thought of the bug invading her personal space was a more disturbing thought than the thought of actually picking it up and getting rid of it herself. She decided to do the latter and scrunched her eyes shut as she grabbed a Kleenex, and as matter-of-factly as she could, picked up the bug and threw it in the garbage. She almost wrapped up the garbage bag and put it outside, but she figured that would seem too compulsive. It was dead, after all.

She continued to walk around the house, turning on every light, even though she knew she was racking up a huge electricity bill. Back in New York, she'd insisted that Joshua and Olivia turn off all the lights when they left a room, to save energy and money, but now, the luminosity comforted her.

Alex didn't want to sleep. She knew she wouldn't be able to, anyway. So she sat in the living room, reading a novel. When she finished it, she turned on the television and started aimlessly flipping channels. Nothing was on. She had to resist the overwhelming urge to hurl the remote control at the TV . . . or smash it . . . or smash _something_; it didn't matter what.

She needed to relieve some tension. She knew she wasn't allowed to smash anything, so she pulled on a pair of sweats and started outside for a run around the block. In the back of her mind, she was aware that it was four in the morning and going for a run in the wee hours wasn't a particularly good idea. She knew better than anyone how dangerous it could be for a woman by herself in the middle of the night on a deserted street, but this wasn't New York City. It was a puny, no-name town miles away. And besides, she wasn't even sure she really cared if anything happened to her. But she didn't want to end up near any detective who wasn't Olivia.

It was quiet. Too quiet. But instead of skylights illuminating the horizon like in New York, shimmering stars lit up the sky. It was kind of nice, almost. It reminded her of when she'd vacationed at her parents' summer home when she was a child. They had a "cottage" which was five times the size of the house she was living in now and overlooked the water and a sixty foot yacht. When she got older, she used to invite some of her friends up and they would go out on one of the sea-doos that no one ever used to some remote island, and then they would just lie on their backs and watch the stars. Alex's parents cautioned her against going out on the sea-doo in the dark, but luckily they were usually too preoccupied to notice where in the house Alex was, or even if she was in the house at all.

She jogged around the block . . . once . . . twice . . . three times . . . ten. It was nothing compared to jogging in Central Park, but it was sufficient. When she got back to her apartment, she was tired enough to fall asleep.

This was going to be a fun night. She started her new job in four hours.

**Review if you want the next chapter!**


	36. Chapter 36

"Liv, you forgot your cell phone here," said Fin. "Some lady called Ellis has been calling you."

Olivia wanted to kick herself. "Joshua's principal?"

Fin shrugged. "Guess so."

"How many times did she call?"

"Twice – no, three times."

"Did she say what she wanted?"

"For you to give her a call."

Olivia sighed. "Thanks, Fin. I'll call her back." She picked her cell phone up from her desk and dialed the school, then pressed 17, which was Ms. Ellis' extension number. When the principal answered, Olivia said, "Ms. Ellis? It's Olivia Benson. Joshua's mother."

"Yes, thanks for calling me back," said Ms. Ellis. "Would you mind coming down here?"

Olivia glanced at Elliot, who was patiently waiting for her to be ready to interview the perp they'd just arrested. "Now?"

"Please."

"Is Joshua hurt?"

"No. But it's important that you come down here."

Olivia sighed. "Okay. I'll be there in ten." She hung up and turned to Elliot. "It's Josh. They need me at his school. Can you take care of this?"

"Hey, I'll help him out," offered Fin. "You go, Liv."

Olivia smiled gratefully. "Thanks, guys." She grabbed her car keys. "See you tomorrow," she called over her shoulder as she rushed out the door.

When she got to Joshua's school, she went into the office to sign in. she was surprised to find her son sitting in a chair in the office beside another boy, his arms crossed sullenly over his chest. Olivia signed in, then sat down beside Joshua.

"Hey, Josh. What's the matter?"

He hung his head and didn't answer, and Olivia looked questioningly to the secretary.

"Ms. Benson," she said in a clipped tone. "Ms. Ellis will be out to see you in a few moments."

Olivia narrowed her eyes in confusion. "What's the matter?" She wasn't directing her question at anyone in particular, so she turned back to her son and prompted, "Did something happen at recess? Was someone picking on you?"

He shrugged and didn't say anything.

Olivia tried to wrap and arm around Joshua, but he pulled away from her and buried his head in his hands. "Are you okay, baby?" she asked, growing more concerned by the minute.

Ms. Ellis came out of the office a moment later. "Ms. Benson. Joshua. Come on in."

Olivia tried to take Joshua's hand to help him up, but he didn't take it. He waited until she was a few feet away before he got to his feet and followed his mother inside.

Olivia watched him for a moment. There was something different about him, but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. His head was hanging low and he was shuffling his feet, looking sadder than she'd ever seen him. Then she realized – he looked _ashamed_. Like one of their victims. She hadn't seen him like this since she'd first adopted him, when he'd had nightmares or wet the bed.

"Sit down," invited Ms. Ellis.

With one more glance at Joshua, Olivia lowered herself into a chair across from the principal. Joshua hesitated, then plopped down beside her. He rested his head in his hands and didn't say a word.

"So, Joshua, are you going to tell your mother what happened?" prompted Ms. Ellis.

Olivia didn't like this. It wasn't what the principal had said, but the way she'd said it. Almost facetiously. She bit back the, "Don't talk to my son like that," that was bubbling in her throat. Instead she said, "Why don't you tell me what's wrong, Ms. Ellis?"

The principal sighed and adjusted her glasses. "Joshua and another boy in his class got into a fight at recess. Joshua gave him a black eye."

Olivia stared at her son in horror. She'd never known him to be violent before, even when horrible, horrible things happened. He knew to fight with his words instead of his fists. She'd never seen him hit anyone before. "Honey, why did you do that?"

Joshua shrugged and didn't raise his head.

Olivia looked to Ms. Ellis, who apparently didn't have an answer either. "He wouldn't tell me, so all we have to go on is Matteo's story. He's pretty worse for wear and – well, you can see your son. So we're going to suspend him for three days."

Olivia's eyes widened. "What?" Her son had _never _been in trouble before!

"We have a zero tolerance policy for fighting," said Ms. Ellis sternly. "He needs to learn that violence is not okay."

"He knows that," snapped Olivia, glancing at her son, who was rocking back and forth in his seat, looking more small and forlorn than she'd ever seen him before. "This kid must have provoked him somehow."

"It doesn't matter. We do not hit in this school, and he needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. And I expect that he will be punished at home, too." She raised her eyebrows and handed Olivia a binder. "Here's Joshua's schoolwork for the next three days. See to it that he gets it done."

_Yes, ma'am_, Olivia almost said, but she caught herself. She needed to show Joshua that he had to be respectful to adults and to do that, she needed to set a good example. "I will," she said instead. "Thank you, Ms. Ellis. I'll take him home now." She turned to her son and held out her hand. "Come on, honey. We're going home."

Joshua shied away and didn't take her hand. He followed a few steps behind her as she walked out to the car. Joshua silently climbed into the backseat and buckled himself in.

Olivia's concern was increasing by the minute, and she glanced back at him through the rearview mirror and asked, "Baby, are you okay?" He wasn't physically hurt, but there was something different about him, and it scared her. He just looked so . . . sad. And scared. No, he looked terrified. And she didn't know what to do.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	37. Chapter 37

By the time they'd reached the apartment, Joshua still hadn't said a word, and Olivia's worry grew even more when Joshua immediately went to his room and lay down on his stomach on the bed, burying his head in his pillow.

She followed him and perched on the side of Joshua's bed, gently rubbing his back. He flinched when her hand came into contact with his skin, and she stopped for a moment, puzzled. Had he thought she was going to hurt him? No, he'd been with her for three years and she had never raised a hand to him in all that time. And he'd been in trouble before, at school, at home, when he'd lied to her or been disrespectful, but he was generally a good kid, and he'd never before done something like this. Yes, that was it. He was afraid.

"I would never, ever hurt you, Josh," she whispered, kissing her son's cheek. "You know that. I'm just worried about you, honey. I need you to tell me what happened."

Joshua finally raised his head. "You're not – you're going to punish me?"

Olivia tried not to show him how relieved she was that he'd finally said something. "First, I need you to tell me what happened. But I need you to understand something, Joshua. If I decide that you did something wrong and you deserve a consequence, I won't hurt you. I might tell you that you can't watch television or I might take away one of your stuffed animals, but I will never hit you. Do you understand that?"

He seemed to be mulling this over, but after a few moments, he nodded.

"So sweetie, can you tell me what happened?"

Joshua burst into tears and crawled onto Olivia's lap. She sighed and wrapped her arms around her son. He hadn't done this in weeks, not since Alex had left, and before then, he'd been crying less and less too. Saying she was worried was an understatement.

"I hit Matteo," he managed to choke out through his tears. "I hurt him."

Olivia nodded, accepting this. "But why did you do it?"

"He was making fun of me because I have two mommies instead of a mommy and a daddy."

Olivia's heart constricted and she gently stroked her son's hair. "Oh, honey."

But Joshua wasn't done. "He said – you remember the article about Alex in the newspaper a few weeks ago? It said Alex was dead, but she's not, but he thought she was." When Olivia nodded, he continued, "Matteo said Alex was going to burn in hell and that was where she belonged. He called her a dyke." He looked up at Olivia. "What does that mean?"

"It's a bad word for when two women love each other instead of a man and a woman, Josh. We don't use that word."

He nodded. "I knew it was a bad word and he just kept saying it and I told him not to say that about Alex but he wouldn't stop, so I hit him." He burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "I'm sorry, Olivia! I'm sorry."

Olivia held him tightly. She didn't know what to say. Under the circumstances, she was pretty sure – no, she was _positive _– that she would have done the same thing. No one insulted Alex and got away with it. She knew it probably wasn't very good parenting, but she was _proud _of her son. Not because he'd given another eight-year-old a black eye, but because he'd stood up for Alex, and she couldn't fault him for that. Kids could be cruel, and she'd known that as Joshua got older he would encounter some of this, and they would just have to take it as it came.

"It's okay, baby," she murmured, kissing his forehead. "It's okay. I'm glad that you stood up for Alex, and what Matteo said was very wrong, and he shouldn't have said it. But when you get angry or when other people are being mean to you, it still isn't okay to hit them, no matter what they say. If another kid says something nasty to you, you should never hit them. Instead, you should tell a teacher."

"What if the teacher doesn't listen?"

Olivia was caught off guard. "Is that what happened today?"

Joshua lowered his eyes and nodded. "I told Ms. Dwyer but she told me I had to work it out myself and to stop tattling."

That made Olivia angry. She made a mental note to have a long talk with the school tomorrow. She really hoped it was just stupidity instead of discrimination, because that was just one more problem they didn't need right now. She didn't want to have to start looking for another school for Joshua. "Well, Josh, here's the deal. I'm going to have a talk with your teacher tomorrow, and if you tell her someone's bothering you and she still doesn't do anything, you go to the office and you call me, and I'll deal with it. Okay?"

Joshua nodded, his eyes wide. "Okay," he said softly. "Are you going to punish me?"

"No, honey. You made a mistake, but I know you didn't mean to hurt Matteo and you're not going to do it again. What are you going to do if Matteo ever picks on you again?"

"I'm going to tell a teacher and if she doesn't listen then I'm going to call you," he replied, wiping his eyes.

"That's right," approved Olivia, kissing her son's head.

Joshua sniffled and wrapped his arms around Olivia.

Olivia smiled wanly and picked up Joshua's teddy bear, which was pretty tattered by now, but he still slept with it every night. She stroked Joshua's cheek with the teddy bear's arm, a calming gesture that she'd learned years ago. Sure enough, it worked, and he started to relax.

"I have an idea," she said. "Do you want to go out for dinner? We can go to Chuck E Cheese." That was Joshua's favorite place to eat, not because he liked the food, but because he loved the arcade.

He grinned and nodded enthusiastically. He kissed Olivia's cheek. "Thank you, Olivia."

She smiled and gave him a hug.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	38. Chapter 38

The next day, Olivia dropped Joshua off at Mrs. Andre's house and drove to his school, trying to calm herself down so she wouldn't start screaming. She was fuming. She wasn't sure if it was homophobia or pure stupidity or simply that Joshua hadn't said anything about what had actually transpired, but their reaction was still inappropriate. She went in to the office and asked to see Ms. Ellis.

"Ms. Ellis is with another parent right now," the secretary told her.

"When will she be done?"

"I don't know," replied the secretary.

Olivia plopped herself down on a chair. "I'll wait."

The secretary raised an eyebrow. "Suit yourself."

She called the precinct and told Captain Cragen that she was going to be late coming in to work and she might not be in at all. He told her it was okay and to deal with whatever was going on and Elliot would be fine without her.

Finally, Ms. Ellis came out of her office. She gave Olivia a phony smile. "Ms. Benson, come in," she invited.

Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Olivia followed the principal into her office and sat down, crossing one leg over the other. She cleared her throat. "I wanted to talk to you about the . . . incident yesterday. I talked to my son about it and he explained to me what happened. The other boy was teasing him about him having parents who are homosexual. My partner was killed a few weeks ago, and this other boy told Joshua that she deserved to die and she was going to hell and he called her a 'dyke.' Even though I've communicated to him that hitting is never okay, no matter what the circumstances, I think that suspending him for three days is a bit . . . excessive."

"Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I'll be sure to discuss that with Matteo's parents; however that still doesn't give Joshua to right to attack him. He could have told a teacher instead of using violence," said Ms. Ellis in a clipped tone.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "He did. He told Ms. Dwyer and she told him to stop tattling. I think maybe I need to have a discussion with her, too."

"I'll talk to her," said the principal quickly. "We'll make sure this doesn't happen again. You've talked to your son about positive conflict resolution?"

Olivia nodded. "He understands that what he did was wrong and he's not going to do it again. I told him that if a kid is teasing him, he needs to tell a teacher, and he said he would. My son's a good kid. He's never been in any real trouble before."

Ms. Ellis nodded. "Maybe a three day suspension is a bit harsh. He can come back tomorrow if he's ready to write Matteo an apology letter."

Olivia narrowed her eyes. "I expect Joshua will be receiving one from Matteo as well, right?"

Ms. Ellis nodded. "That's right."

Olivia tried not to look too pleased with herself as she shook the principal's hand, thanked her, and left.

She decided not to go back to work. She cleared it with Captain Cragen, then drove back to her apartment building.

She picked Joshua up from Mrs. Andre's and brought him back to her apartment. "You're home early," commented the little boy in a dry tone that mimicked hers, and she smiled to herself when she realized he'd been copying her speech patterns. It was kind of cute, actually.

"I didn't go to work, actually," she told him.

He looked confused. "Then where'd you go?"

She sat down on the couch and Joshua sat down beside her. "To your school. I talked to Ms. Ellis and I told her what happened. Both of you are going to have to write apology letters to each other, but you can go back to school tomorrow."

Joshua hesitated, then nodded. "Okay."

"Do you want to do that now, or do you want to have lunch and then write it?"

He shrugged. "Let's get it over with."

Olivia smiled. "Good boy." She settled him down at the kitchen table, handed him a pencil and a piece of paper, and added, "Do you know what you want to say?"

"I guess. Just say I'm sorry for hitting him and I won't do it again."

"Okay," agreed Olivia, tousling Joshua's hair. "I'm very proud of you, honey."

He sighed with the air of someone who bears the weight of the world on his shoulders, a weight that no eight-year-old should ever have. "I miss Alex," he said quietly.

"Me, too," said Olivia, matching his soft tone.

He met her eyes, sadness shining in his baby blues. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"You can tell me anything, Josh."

He lowered his eyes again and murmured, "Sometimes I get mad at her. For leaving." He chanced a glance at Olivia again, then added quickly, "I know I shouldn't. I know it wasn't her fault. But I can't help it sometimes."

_Oh, Joshua_. How could Olivia tell him that she sometimes felt the same way without agreeing with him? "I feel that way too, sometimes," she admitted. "But we have to remember that it wasn't her fault. She only left because she loves us and she wants to keep us safe. And we love her."

"I love her," echoed Joshua, snuggling closer to Olivia. "When is she coming back?"

Olivia kissed the crown of his head. "I don't know, honey."

He looked up at her, his eyes wide with apprehension. "What if she doesn't?"

Olivia sighed. "She will." But the words sounded hollow, even to her.

**Review if you want the next instalment! **


	39. Chapter 39

**I noticed reviews are waning again . . . is that beacause of lack interest or just because people don't have enough time to write reviews? Anyway, please drop me one if you get the chance; every single one makes my day and helps me improve my writing, even if it just says to keep doing what I'm doing.**

It was a special day for her – or at least, it was supposed to be. Not for Alex, but for Nancy, whom Alex thought of as her alter ego. It made her smile to herself every time she thought of it, because even the formidable Dr. Huang would agree with this dissociative identity disorder. Half of her – okay, maybe more than half – was Alex Cabot, and the rest was Nancy Daniels.

She got in to work, at a desk job in a tiny cubicle in a tiny office space. Her colleague, Jake, hit on her practically every day, and she continued to turn him down. She appreciated his good intentions but not his constant advances. She didn't want to sleep with him. End of story.

"Happy birthday, Nan!" he said, giving her a hug when she arrived.

She winced. She hated the nickname he'd given her. "Thanks," she managed.

He grinned and patted her back. "Lighten up. Today's a special day, Nan. How many times does a girl turn 32?"

_Twice_, Alex didn't say. Because _Alex Cabot's_ birthday had been six weeks before, and it had been an utter disappointment, because no one even wished her a happy birthday. No one even knew it _was _her birthday. All day, she'd checked her emails, and her mail. Olivia hadn't sent her anything. Of course, she hadn't expected Olivia to send her anything, because Olivia didn't know where she was. But still . . . there was a tiny part of her that held out a bit of hope. And she was disappointed all over again when nothing came.

She managed to survive the day and when she got home, she took a nice, hot shower, trying to wash away Nancy so she could catch a glimpse of _Alex_. But it didn't work.

She waited until the sun had gone down and went out into her backyard. She and Olivia had gone camping a few years ago, and they'd sat outside and watched the stars. Olivia, surprisingly, knew all of their names and kept pointing them out to Alex, who honestly couldn't have cared less.

But tonight, those stars were a comfort, because she knew Olivia was seeing those same stars back in New York. She brought a blanket outside and stretched out on it, cradling the doll Olivia had given her. And every time she saw a shooting star, she wished for the same thing: _Let me go home to my Olivia_. It probably wouldn't help, but it couldn't hurt either.

* * *

"Let me come home with you, Nan," begged Jake the next day, sliding an arm around her shoulders. "Please. We can have a good time. At least let me buy you a drink."

Alex almost refused, but then she thought, _What the hell? _Alex Cabot was a lesbian and Alex Cabot had a girlfriend named Olivia and a son named Joshua. But Nancy Daniels was 100% straight and 100% single. Maybe it would help her in separating her identities. "Sure," she agreed, against her better judgment.

The surprise in Jake's eyes mirrored her own feelings. "Okay then."

* * *

After work, Alex brought Jake back to her – back to _Nancy's _– place. He cleared his throat. "So, um, we're eating dinner here?"

With as seductive a smile as she could muster, Nancy said, "I was thinking we'd go straight to dessert."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Fine with me."

And then they somehow ended up in Nancy's bed. He was undressing her, practically tearing her clothes off, a hungry glint in his eyes, growling ferally. It was so unlike Olivia's gentle way of removing her clothes before making love that it almost made her smile. But this wasn't lovemaking, she reminded herself. This was sex. She was looking for the physical sensation, nothing more. There was nothing emotional about this. It was just sex.

And then Alex was lying naked on the bed. Jake had stripped down too, and it was the two of them, Jake and Nancy, and Alex thought that it should really be Alex and Olivia. But it wasn't.

And then he was inside her, thrusting, pushing, grunting his pleasure. She wasn't particularly enjoying it, but she didn't particularly dislike it either. It wasn't necessarily bad, just different, because this wasn't Olivia.

They – _he _– finished. He pulled up his pants and looked at Alex for a moment, his head cocked in concern. "Should – should I go?"

Alex nodded. She didn't even bother walking him to door. And after he left, it hit her. _God, I must be good, _she marveled at first. _Because all I did was lie there. I didn't do anything at all and he still got off._

And then she realized how perverse that sounded. She wasn't one, but it almost felt like she was one of Olivia's special victims, because Jake had gotten that aroused without her even saying a word or doing a thing.

She had to shower. Now. She all but ran to her bathroom and let the warm water from the showerhead cascade over her body. Making love with Olivia had never made her feel this _dirty_.

**Review for chapter forty!**


	40. Chapter 40

**I know everyone wants me to skip ahead to when Alex and Olivia get back together. I promise that they'll inevitably end up as a family again, but it's a bit more complicated than that, so try to bear with me here. I like torturing my characters, so I think I have a bit more angst in store before they're reunited.**

Olivia had had a hard day. Another child molester who walked because Casey couldn't convict him. Olivia knew she shouldn't think of it that way – Casey was her friend, after all – but she couldn't help the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that Alex would have done better. And then she was mad at herself for feeling that way.

She got home angry at herself and angry at the world. She paid Mrs. Andre and started for Joshua's bedroom.

He was lying on his bed, reading a book, and Olivia walked toward the bed. There were a few toys lying on the floor that she didn't notice and Olivia slipped on one of them, almost falling face first on to the bed. She really wasn't in the mood for this today. She had to restrain herself from picking up the toy she'd tripped on and throwing it at the wall. "Pick up your toys, Joshua," she snapped.

"I'm busy," he said, not even looking up from his book.

"You can go back to that after. Clean up your room."

He looked up at her and folded his arms. "No."

"I'm going to count to three," she said, trying to keep her voice measured, trying not to yell at him. "One . . . two . . . three." He still hadn't moved, so she took his arm, maybe a bit more forcefully than she'd intended to.

Joshua shrieked. "Don't touch me!" Then he burst into tears and buried his head in his pillow, his whole body convulsing in shivers. "I hate you!" he screamed. "I want Alex!"

The words stopped her in her tracks. He'd never said that before, and it _hurt_. Probably more than it should have. She knew that it was normal for eight-year-olds to say that sometimes and to want the other parent when they didn't like what one parent had said. But still – he couldn't have Alex and he knew it. And that was why he'd said it.

She was fuming. She let go of his arm and started out the door. Before she slammed it shut, she turned back and called over her shoulder, "This room had better be clean by the time I get back."

Joshua continued to sob, soaking his pillow with salty tears. And Olivia was too angry to even feel bad for him. She stormed into her bedroom and flopped down on her bed, trying not to cry herself.

She needed to calm down. She pulled out the photo album that Joshua had given her for Christmas last year and started to flip through it. That always comforted her when she was upset.

She stopped when she found the picture she was looking for, the one that had been taken on Joshua's sixth birthday. Out of all the photos in the book, that one was her favorite. It was of her, Alex, and Joshua, sitting in a sea of Joshua's presents. Elliot had taken the picture, and they were all smiling ear to ear. The picture had creased from excessive rubbing, because to make herself feel better, Olivia ran her fingers over the photograph. Alex's face was wrinkled now, because that was the part Olivia touched the most often.

She could hear Joshua's anguished cries coming from his bedroom, and as her anger cooled, she realized how horrible he must be feeling. She'd screamed at him and threatened him, and she'd scared him. Her heart constricted when she realized what she'd done.

Olivia sighed and got up. She started toward Joshua's bedroom and knocked softly on the door. "Can I come in, Josh?" she asked as gently as she could.

He didn't answer, but his cries were breaking her heart, and she went inside anyway.

Her son was lying facedown on the bed and sobbing, his entire body shaking with his cries. Olivia perched beside him on the bed and started to rub his back. He flinched, and then she felt even worse, remembering how it was when they'd first adopted him. "I'm sorry, honey," she murmured.

He looked up at her, his cheeks stained with tears. He got up and immediately started to pick up his toys and put them away. He finished and looked expectantly at Olivia.

She lifted him onto the bed and sat him down beside her. "See, that wasn't so hard," she said, trying a smile.

He sniffled and held out his arms. Olivia sighed and hugged him, rocking him gently back and forth.

She kissed the crown of his head and whispered, "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too," murmured Joshua.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. That wasn't okay. But next time, don't leave your toys all over the floor, okay? It's dangerous and someone can slip and fall and hurt themselves."

He sniffled again and nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry, Livvy. I don't hate you."

Olivia smiled weakly and kissed his cheek. "I know."

**Review if you want to know what happens next!**


	41. Chapter 41

Christmas came, and Alex couldn't bear the thought of spending the holiday without her family. Christmas was the time for joy, for believing, for friends and family and gratefulness. And Alex didn't feel much like celebrating.

* * *

She remembered their last Christmas, her and Olivia and Joshua. Joshua had never really had Christmas before. He had never heard of Santa Claus, and so Olivia and Alex made it their personal mission to give him what neither of them had ever had during their own childhood Christmases. They helped him write a letter to Santa and went completely overboard with gifts, buying him every single thing on his list. Luckily, he hadn't asked for anything particularly unreasonable.

She'd taken Joshua shopping for a gift for Olivia and he'd gotten her a photo album and filled it with pictures of the three of them. Alex knew Olivia was going to love it, and it was even more special because it had come from Joshua. She'd helped him make Olivia a Christmas card in which he painstakingly drew and colored in Santa Claus, a sleigh, two reindeer, and seventy-four snowflakes (which he'd counted).

They'd bought a Christmas tree and carried it up to the top floor of the apartment building where they lived. Olivia and Alex had helped Joshua decorate the tree. He'd made a few ornaments himself and Alex helped him hang them. Olivia lifted Joshua onto her shoulders so he could put up the star, and he'd smiled as if he owned the world, planting a sloppy kiss on Olivia's cheek.

On Christmas morning, Joshua woke Alex and Olivia up at five in the morning, pouncing on their bed and shaking Alex awake. Olivia had woken up when the door opened and had gestured for Joshua to stay silent, but he'd ignored her and woken Alex up anyway. "Wake up, Allie! It's Christmas."

"Let Alex sleep," Olivia intoned, but Alex held up a hand to stop her.

"It's okay," she said softly. "But Josh, only this Christmas. Next time, you have to wait until seven, okay?"

He nodded and grabbed Alex's arm, tugging her downstairs, into the family room where there were presents under the tree. He gasped and ran to where the gifts were. "Can I open one?"

Olivia laughed. "You can open all of the ones that say your name on them."

"Where did they come from?"

"From Santa Claus, of course. Except the ones that are from me and Alex."

Joshua grabbed a present and started to tear it open, but then he stopped. He picked up two other gifts and handed one to Alex and one to Olivia. "These are for you guys," he said shyly. "From me."

Alex and Olivia exchanged smiles and Alex pulled Joshua onto her lap and gave him a squeeze. "Thank you, honey."

"Well, open it," he said, beaming at her.

Alex opened her gift to find a jewelry box. It was a light blue, and Alex could see that Joshua had constructed it himself. She hugged him again and kissed his forehead, tears brimming in her eyes. "Thank you, Joshy. This is . . . amazing."

He grinned, then turned to Olivia. "Now you open yours."

Olivia opened the box and when she saw the photo album, she gave Joshua a hug and kissed his cheek. "Thanks, Josh," she said. "This means a lot to me." Then she smiled. "Now open your gifts."

Joshua was ecstatic as he ripped open his gifts. When he was finished, he wrapped his arms around both Alex and Olivia. "I love you, Allie," he said, kissing Alex's cheek. "I love you, Livvy," he added, kissing Olivia's.

Both of them smiled and kissed him back. Then Alex started to clean up the wrapping paper that littered the living room floor and Olivia went to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. She came out a moment later and handed Alex and Joshua each a steaming mug of cocoa, with marshmallows and half of a candy cane.

It was the best Christmas Alex had ever had.

* * *

She missed her family so much this Christmas that she just wanted to curl up and die. This was one of those days in which she wished Liam Connors had just finished the job.

She knew in the back of her mind that it was stupid, dangerous, and frankly, Olivia probably wouldn't want it. Olivia and Joshua would probably be angry at her right now, and rightfully so. But she had to try. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't. She would do it, just this once. Never again, because the Feds would kill her, but right now, it didn't matter. She would do it.

She went out shopping and picked out a Christmas card. It had a reindeer on the front and it was blank on the inside. Alex brought it home and sat down at the kitchen table, trying to find the perfect words to write on this one tenuous connection to Olivia. She didn't want to be too conspicuous – she was playing with fire and she didn't want to get burned. But she had to let Olivia know the card was from her.

She finally decided on this: _Dear Olivia and Joshua, I'm sorry I couldn't come to visit this Christmas like I did last year. I hope you have a great holiday anyway. I miss you both and I'll try to come visit next year. I hope I'll be able to book a flight. I might not be able to write for awhile; life gets busy sometimes. I hope you understand. Love, Nancy_

It was simple, but sweet enough. She stared at the card for a moment, then noticed a droplet of salty water land on the page, smudging the ink. Alex wiped a hand across her face and was surprised to find that her cheeks were stained with tears.

She put the card in an envelope and addressed it to Olivia, but she didn't write a return address, even though she desperately wanted to. She wished she could get a reply from Olivia, but she knew it was impossible. So she put the envelope in the mail and tried to sleep. She hugged her doll and tried not to think of her lost family.

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	42. Chapter 42

Olivia helped Joshua write a letter to Santa Claus and they made Christmas cards for Elliot, Serena, Fin, Abbie, John, and some of the kids in Joshua's class. Joshua asked her if they could make a card for Alex, and Olivia was torn between giving Joshua false hope and facing reality. Finally she said, "We can make her a card, but we won't be able to send it, because we don't know where she is. But we can give it to her when she gets back."

Joshua looked a bit apprehensive, but he sat down and started working meticulously on a card for Alex.

Olivia sat beside him and looked on, half in amusement and half in awe as he took the ruler and measured a perfect square and wrote in his neatest handwriting, _Merry Cristmas Alex! I love you._

"I'll go put your letter to Santa in the mailbox," said Olivia quietly, unable to watch anymore, coughing to mask the choked up quality of her voice.

He nodded, still concentrating on the Christmas card.

Olivia tried to smile, but there were tears brimming in her eyes. She squeezed Joshua's shoulder and said softly, "I'll be back in a moment."

As she mailed the letter, she checked her mail. There were a few bills, a Christmas card from Abbie, another from Elliot's kids. There was another Christmas card too, from a town she didn't know. She didn't recognize the name either – Nancy Daniels. Maybe it was for someone who had lived in their apartment before they moved in? That happened sometimes. But no, it was clearly addressed to Olivia Benson. Maybe it was from one of the victims she'd dealt with over the past year. Occasionally they sent her Christmas cards or thank you cards. It was rare, but not unheard of. But they usually sent these cards to the precinct . . .

She tore open the envelope, and sure enough, there was a Christmas card inside. And her heart stopped when she opened it.

It was the handwriting that she recognized. Her hands were trembling as she read the card. "Dear Olivia and Joshua, I'm sorry I couldn't come to visit this Christmas like I did last year. I hope you have a great holiday anyway. I miss you both and I'll try to come visit next year. I hope I'll be able to book a flight. I might not be able to write for awhile; life gets busy sometimes. I hope you understand. Love, Nancy." Her knees buckled and she suddenly couldn't see through the tears in her eyes. She blinked them back and read the card again, hardly daring to believe her eyes. Alex had managed to send her a Christmas card. Alex was alive and okay and still loved her and was thinking of her.

She turned the card over, but there was no return address. That made her want to scream in frustration, but this was a blessing anyway. Here was something tangible from Alex. It was all she needed.

She checked her watch and realized she'd been gone a bit longer than she'd intended and ran as fast as she could back to her apartment, not wanting to worry Joshua with her absence. When she got inside, she attempted to calm her ragged breathing and walked into the kitchen with as much composure as she could muster, but her eyes were dancing with joy. "Look what I have, Josh!" she sang, handing him the card.

He took a moment to read it, then looked up at Olivia, his baby blues shining with confusion. "Who's Nancy?"

"It's from Alex," she explained, pulling him onto her lap and kissing the crown of his head. "To keep her safe, she has to go by a different name, but she's still Alex."

His face lit up. "Can we send her my card?"

Olivia sighed, kissing his cheek and shifting him on her lap. "There isn't a return address and we don't want to put her in danger, remember? But she's still thinking about us and she still loves us, honey."

Joshua smiled wanly. "I still love her, too. Can I put the card in my room?"

Olivia really didn't want to part with it. She had actually wanted to frame it and hang it in the family room, but she realized that was impossible and it would compromise Alex's new identity. Alex had taken a huge risk by sending this card; although she wasn't allowed to do it, her family had come first. And Olivia knew that this was a one time thing and they probably weren't going to hear from her again for a long time. It wasn't fair, to tease Joshua like that, and she questioned whether showing Joshua the card had even been a good idea. But she couldn't keep second guessing herself.

"Sure," she answered, handing him the card. "But here's the thing: we can't tell anyone it's from Alex because that wouldn't be safe for her. Got it?"

He nodded, hugging the card to his chest. "It smells like her."

Olivia smiled. "It does."

Joshua got up and trotted to his bedroom, Olivia at his heels. He lovingly kissed the card and arranged it on his dresser, stepping back and regarding it proudly. "It makes me feel closer to her," he whispered.

Olivia sat down on his bed and patted the seat beside her. Joshua sat down too and rested his head on Olivia's shoulder. She gently stroked his hair. "She'll be back, honey," she whispered, even though she knew the danger of making promises she wasn't sure she could keep. But it felt right.

**Review if you'd like the next chapter!**


	43. Chapter 43

**Thanks to _laolurve _for the idea for the end of this chapter. And don't worry - Alex will be going home soon. :)**

That one evening of unrequited sex meant next to nothing to Alex, but apparently she'd given Jake the signal that she actually wanted a relationship with him. Alex really didn't, but she tried to pretend that Nancy did. Every thrust inside her made Alex feel so dirty, so afraid, so hurt, but it made Nancy feel euphoric. She loved it; Alex didn't. But Alex didn't _dislike _it. In fact, she wanted it. She wanted the pain, the reprieve. What was another ounce of shame seeping through her pores, another regret, another shower that couldn't quite wash away the filth that enveloped her? She could lose herself in mindless sex and for a few moments, she was free from the pain that engulfed her daily. For a few moments, she could forget about Olivia, about Joshua, about her job, about New York.

Jake came home with her every evening now, and they would have dinner and then sex. He wasn't cruel and he treated her well enough – he never hit her or belittled her or raped her or even did anything that could be construed as malicious – but she didn't love him. She didn't even really like him. She didn't really like anything anymore. She wasn't living; merely _existing_. And what a pitiful existence it was.

* * *

She was late for work one morning and she was running across the street in her four-inch heels, careful not to drop the cup of hot chocolate she'd just picked up from Starbucks. Olivia had used to bring her hot chocolate every morning in the winter, before they started living together. Alex would meet the detectives at the precinct every morning and Olivia would hand Elliot his customary cup of coffee and Alex her hot chocolate, white hot chocolate from Starbucks, with 1% milk and mini-marshmallows. Comfort food.

"Ma'am!" came a loud, authoritative voice that made Alex cringe. She was already late; she didn't need to be any later.

She turned to see two police officers approaching her, clearly traffic cops. A tall woman with short dark hair and a man with blue eyes and a receding hairline. They reminded her of Olivia and Elliot for a moment, but Alex shook off the thought. In her best Ice Princess voice, she snapped, "Yes?"

"When the light is red, that means don't cross the street," explained the woman patiently, as if she was speaking to a small child.

"Don't you have anything better to do on a Monday morning?" Alex returned. "I certainly do."

The woman raised her eyebrows. "I don't like your attitude." She wrote Alex out a ticket and told her when she would need to appear in court.

That was just _lovely_.

* * *

Alex Cabot stepped up to the podium, placing her notes and a law book in front of her. She smiled to herself, pitying the poor judge who'd happened to draw her case.

The judge raised an eyebrow. "Are you ready to proceed?"

God, this judge was reminding her so much of Judge Petrovsky and their old squabbles. She'd been locked up for contempt more times than she could count, and each time it would be Olivia who would come bail her out, crossing her arms as she took a moment just to savor the sight of Alex Cabot behind bars, before hauling her out of there and chewing her out for getting locked up in the first place.

Alex took a deep breath. Her life may have been a mere shadow of its former self, but there was no way she was going to pay the city $75 for jaywalking! And this poor traffic court judge was about to hear every single argument and every single bit of case law on why she shouldn't have to.

"I am, Your Honor," Nancy Daniels replied.

The words tasted bitter in her mouth, unfamiliar, and she felt a pang of nostalgia as the realization hit her; she shouldn't be in the traffic court of a no-name, nondescript town in the middle of nowhere. She should be in Manhattan criminal court, reducing child molesters to blobs of jelly at her feet, Olivia looking on, pride written all over her face.

But this was not Alex Cabot. This was Nancy Daniels. And although Nancy Daniels shared Alex Cabot's stubbornness, vocabulary, and powers of persuasion, they were not one and the same.

**Review for chapter forty-four!**


	44. Chapter 44

Joshua got over his infatuation with Arianna; now he was onto a girl two years older than him, named Lorraine. He was head over heels in love with her, and surprisingly, she took it in stride.

"A regular lady's man," commented Elliot.

"Was Dickie like that?" asked Olivia. Joshua's new crush was amusing, but what did she know about child development?

Elliot shrugged. "No, but every kid is different. I wouldn't worry if I were you." He smirked. "I'm sure you've got better things to worry about."

"Right."

Olivia picked up Joshua and Lorraine after school. He was madly in love with her, but she treated him more like a little brother. They were leaning against the brick of the school, waiting for Olivia to pick them up, their hands intertwined. It was absolutely adorable, the way Joshua was hanging on Lorraine's every word. She honked her horn and Joshua looked up, his face breaking into a grin as he and Lorraine skipped toward the car and climbed into the backseat.

"Guess what, Olivia?" cried Joshua. "I got perfect on my spelling test!"

Olivia smiled him in the rearview mirror. "Good job, sweetie. Seatbelt," she reminded him, then turned to Lorraine. "Hi, Lorraine."

"Hello, Ms. Benson," said Lorraine politely, which made Olivia smile again. Joshua always went for the polite girls. But then, he was well-mannered himself, so that wasn't such a big surprise.

Joshua and Lorraine chatted on the ride home. Olivia didn't say a word, content to just listen to her son chattering on with his friend, wishing that the smile on his face would remain there.

When they got home, Olivia fixed them a plate of cookies and gave them each a glass of milk. Joshua and Lorraine were playing checkers, and Joshua won three games in a row. Then Olivia put on a movie for them.

"Are you coming to my birthday party, Lorraine?" he asked, with admiration shining in his cobalt eyes.

"When is it?"

He scrunched up his face. "Three weeks? Livvy," he called. "When's my birthday party?"

"Three weeks, on the Saturday," she confirmed.

Joshua smiled. "We're going to Laser Quest!"

"Sure," agreed Lorraine, smiling back.

Olivia sighed. This was going to be another birthday Joshua would have to endure without Alex. He might still enjoy it, but it wouldn't be the same.

* * *

As she tucked Joshua into bed that night, he propped himself up on one elbow and proclaimed, "Livvy, I think I'm in love."

She laughed, unsure what to say.

He sighed dreamily. "I kissed her today."

That startled Olivia. She sat up straight. "What?" Then, realizing this probably wasn't the most useful question to ask, she amended, "Where?"

He smiled proudly. "The cheek."

She tried to suppress her sigh of relief. Joshua was a _child_. That was fine. "I love you, honey," she whispered, kissing Joshua's forehead. "Sweet dreams."

As she went to bed that night, she wished that Alex was there beside her. She knew that Alex would love to see this.

* * *

A week later, Olivia had to go out of town. She and Elliot were doing taking a two day course for their jobs, but Olivia had a problem.

"I don't want to stay with Mrs. Andre," whined Joshua. "Can't I stay with Lorraine?"

Olivia resisted urge to roll her eyes. "No, honey."

"Can't I stay with Elliot?"

"Elliot's going away, too," she told him.

He sighed. "Can I stay with Kathy?"

She shook her head. "They live too far away, honey."

"Can I come with you?"

"I'm sorry, Josh, but you've got school and I'm going to be at a seminar, so I wouldn't be able to take care of you."

He pouted. "I wish Alex was here! Then she could stay with me."

Olivia really wished Joshua wouldn't say things like that because they broke her heart. But she knew it was a normal thing for eight-year-olds to say, so she didn't comment.

He sighed again. "Can I stay with Casey?"

Part of her really didn't want him to, for her own selfish reasons. But much as she hated to admit it, much as she still somewhat resented Casey, that seemed like a good solution. "Why don't you call her and ask her?"

"Sure," agreed Joshua. "May I please have the phone?"

She laughed. Joshua always turned on the manners when he wanted something, and it usually worked. He was just a little charmer.

She handed him the phone and he dialed Casey's number. They talked for a few moments, then Joshua looked up with a triumphant expression on his face. "She said yes."

Olivia tried to smile. "Great." But it didn't meet her eyes.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	45. Chapter 45

**I know this one's slightly shorter than usual, but I thought this chapter belonged as its own. Enjoy!**

Alex woke up with tears streaking down her cheeks. "Olivia," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself and wishing she had her doll, who was perched eight feet away on her dresser. She hadn't slept without either the doll or Olivia in years, but Jake had convinced her to put it on the shelf so he could hold her. She hadn't wanted to, but she'd agreed anyway, because she didn't have the strength to argue.

"Who's Olivia?" came a groggy voice from beside her.

She sighed, wiping away the remnants of her tears. "Nobody," she whispered. "Nobody at all."

Jake pulled her close and she flinched, but then curled into his embrace and rested her head on his shoulder. He kissed the base of her neck and whispered, "Love you, babe."

And Alex thought that he might not even realize what those words meant.

* * *

She woke up in the morning to the familiar aroma of coffee brewing in the kitchen. She smiled to herself, entertaining the notion that she might be home again and it was Olivia making herself coffee and Alex a cup of tea in the kitchen. But then she remembered where she was and something inside her died.

She managed to lift herself off the bed and pulled on her robe, padding into the kitchen. Jake smiled and handed her a cup of coffee. "'Morning, baby," he said, kissing her lips.

Alex made a face, but obediently took a sip of the coffee. She usually didn't drink coffee; she preferred tea or hot chocolate. But again, she didn't have the strength to argue. She forced down half of the cup, then kissed Jake's cheek, wincing as she did so. "I'm going to shower."

"Mind if I join you?" he asked.

She sighed. _Yes, I do, actually_, she wanted to say. But she couldn't say that. So she shook her head and said, "Not at all."

She wondered then if she resented him because he was Jake or if she resented him merely because he wasn't Olivia.

* * *

She got a call from Agent Hammond at work. He wanted to see her after work. She really wasn't in the mood but she told him she'd be there later.

After work, she told Jake to go home without her; she had somewhere to be. "Where are you going, princess?" he asked, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind Alex's ear.

That was _not _okay. Olivia was the only one who had ever called her _princess _and this man was _not _Olivia. "I am _not _your princess," she snapped, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back. "And if you call me that again, I will castrate you. Understood?"

He stared at her, uncomprehending, and nodded.

She met up with Agent Hammond, crossing her arms and giving him her most petulant glare. "I don't see why I had to come here."

He raised his eyebrows. "May I congratulate you on being the most obstinate, irritating woman I have ever had the misfortune of dealing with."

"So I'm told," she said dryly. "Now would you mind telling me what this is about?"

"Velez is dead," said Hammond without preamble.

Alex felt her world start to spin. _Velez was dead. She could go home now! _But she managed to keep her voice steady as she asked, "Can I – can I go home?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, _please_. One less thorn in my side."

And just like that, another person disappeared off the face of the earth. Only this one hadn't really existed to begin with.

**Review for chapter forty-six!**


	46. Chapter 46

**Ah, another short one. Enjoy it anyway!**

Olivia got the call two weeks after Joshua's ninth birthday. Agent Hammond, telling her that Alex was on her way home and would probably be arriving either today or tomorrow. "Real pain in the ass, that one," he commented. "You've got your work cut out for you."

Olivia was ecstatic. She ran to Joshua's bedroom and lifted him into her arms, although by now he was really too big for that. She swung him around and covered him with kisses. "Guess what?"

He beamed up at her. "What?"

"Alex is coming home!"

Joshua screamed in elation, and when Olivia set him back on the bed, he jumped up and down and clapped his hands. "When?"

"Today or tomorrow, probably," she replied, kissing his cheek.

Joshua couldn't stop grinning.

* * *

But Alex didn't show up that day, and Olivia tried to calm herself down. They had to get on with their lives. She took Joshua to school the next day, even though he'd begged her to let him stay home. And by the time she went to pick him up from school, Alex still hadn't arrived.

Casey was with them on their way home; she'd come over for dinner a few nights ago and somehow she'd managed to forget her sunglasses there and hadn't noticed for three days. They got home and Casey rummaged around in the apartment for ten minutes before she located them.

Joshua was completely wired; whether if it was because of Alex's potential arrival or the amount of sugar he'd consumed at school was anybody's guess. "Why don't we go to the park for a bit?" suggested Olivia. "Alex will call us when she arrives, and there's no point in just sitting here and waiting for her."

Joshua agreed, albeit a bit hesitantly. "Can Casey come?"

Olivia looked at Casey. "Do you want to?"

Casey shrugged. "Sure."

* * *

Alex got back to New York around six the next morning, floating on air. She was going to see her family again! But she had a few things to take care of first. All the formalities of coming back to life after being supposedly dead. Getting her driver's license reissued, another copy of her birth certificate . . . paperwork.

By 5:00, after a long and complicated day, she was ready. She took a cab back to her apartment, holding in her breath – and her tears. But what she saw made her heart skip a beat.

Olivia was walking hand in hand with a boy who wasn't so little anymore – _Joshua_. He'd grown a few inches and his hair had darkened a bit. But he wasn't a child anymore. He was nine years old and he was turning into a young man.

And then Alex noticed the woman who was walking on Joshua's other side, holding his other hand. _Casey_. He was looking up at her and laughing at something she said.

Alex just watched them for a moment. Even though she didn't want to, she was paralyzed. She couldn't tear her eyes away. Her heart physically burned with the realization, and finally, when they were out of view, Alex sank to the ground against her – _Olivia's _– home. It wasn't her home anymore. Olivia had found someone else.

**I know you all wanted them to get back together right away, but I just couldn't resist torturing them a little further. Review for the next chapter!**


	47. Chapter 47

By Saturday, Alex still hadn't arrived, and Olivia was starting to get worried. She checked with JFK, and they confirmed that Alex had been on a flight three days ago to New York from Minnesota, that landed at 6:00 Thursday morning. She'd called three different cab companies, and the third one confirmed that Alex had taken a taxi to their apartment around 5:00. So what was wrong?

For a moment, she entertained the notion that something bad had happened to her. A car accident. An assault. Even an abduction. As horrible as the thought was, it was almost preferable to the idea that Alex had come back to New York, but she just hadn't wanted to come home or see Olivia again.

She called all the hospitals in the area, but no one had seen Alex Cabot or any Jane Does resembling her description. But once she'd exhausted all her leads, she had to face the fact that Alex _could _come home; she just didn't want to. And she was left with a broken little boy whose hopes she'd lifted, only to quash.

She called the phone company and discovered Alex's new cell phone number. Holding her breath, she dialed, but to her disappointment, the answering machine picked up. _You've reached Alex Cabot. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. _But even hearing Alex's voice helped, just a bit.

She left a message and went into Joshua's room to cuddle with her son.

* * *

Alex got herself a hotel room at the Palace Hotel while she searched for an apartment. Now that she was alive again, she could access her bank account, her trust fund, and all the other accounts her parents had put into place for her future. She didn't really have to find a job, but now without her family, she didn't know what else she'd do with herself if she didn't. Maybe she could go back to the DA's office. She was sure that they'd be happy to see her.

She wanted so much to see Olivia and Joshua again, but she knew she couldn't. If she went to see them, she knew she wouldn't be able to let them go. And she couldn't go back. Olivia had found someone else.

She unpacked her bag and made a mental note to go shopping. Tomorrow.

* * *

She spent the next few days in a miserable haze. She wasn't quite ready to go back to the DA's office. She found an apartment and was going to move in next week. She went shopping for clothes, a new laptop, furniture for her apartment, and so on. She put the doll Olivia had given her in a drawer. She'd wanted to throw it in the garbage, but she didn't quite have the heart.

She checked the voice mail on her phone and was surprised to find a message waiting for her. Who could that be? No one had her number yet.

She gasped when she realized it was from Olivia. "Hi, Alex, it's me. I –" Alex could hear the tears in her voice as she took a deep breath and continued. "I heard you were out of Witness Protection and –" Her voice caught and she whispered, "I miss you. Joshua misses you. Please come home." She hesitated. "I love you, baby. Please call me when you get this message. In case you've forgotten, the number is 555-3264. Bye."

How could Olivia even _think _she'd forgotten the number? But then – she couldn't go back. Olivia had found someone else. All that she was saying now – lies. Someone else was sharing Olivia's bed and tucking Joshua in at night and going to his parent-teacher conferences. Someone else was making Olivia coffee in the mornings and holding her at night and driving Joshua to school. There was _someone else. _And Alex couldn't go back.

Then came another call a few days later. "Hi Allie," said a voice that was hoarse with tears. "It's me. Olivia says you're back and I want to see you again. You missed my birthday but I've got a girlfriend now and her name's Lorraine and I want you to meet her. I love you, Allie. Bye."

But still, she ignored it. This was breaking her heart, but she couldn't take any more pain, and she knew that if she went back, she'd be setting herself up for disappointment. She missed her son so much, but there was someone else. Someone else for him to love, someone else to hold him when he cried, someone else to read to him before bed. She wasn't a part of his life anymore. She couldn't be.

The third call was a week after. "Hey, Alex. I know you're back in New York and I really, really want to see you. Please come by the apartment or even the precinct. If you don't want to, you don't have to stay, but please just drop by to let us know you're okay. I love you, sweetie. Bye."

The final call came four days after, a tearful voice asking, "Are you mad at us, Allie? Where are you? Why won't you come home?"

She knew she couldn't, even though it was breaking her heart. She broke down, cradling the phone in her arms, and she cried.

**Review if you want the next chapter!**


	48. Chapter 48

**This part takes place during **_**Conviction, **_**but I took a lot of liberties with the timeline and some events. Warning for a slightly graphic scene ahead.**

Olivia couldn't figure out why Alex hadn't called back. They'd called her on four separate occasions and she hadn't answered the phone or returned their calls, and it had been two whole weeks.

"Doesn't Alex love us anymore?" asked Joshua tearfully as Olivia put him to bed.

Olivia sighed. She honestly didn't know how to answer that question. Everything she knew about Alex said yes, but she'd also thought that Alex would at least give them a call. It was just courteous. "She does, honey," whispered Olivia, going with what she knew would make him feel better although she wasn't sure whether or not it was true.

"Then why won't she come home?" His voice was hoarse with tears and plaintive with longing.

"I don't know, Josh, but maybe she's not ready. I know she misses us and I know she loves us, but she's been away from us so long. It's hard, sweetie. For all of us."

He nodded somberly, his eyes wide and wet with his tears. "I know but – I love her and I want her back!" And he turned onto his side, burying his head in his pillow as he sobbed.

Olivia watched helplessly. She didn't know what she to do for him, so she just took him into her arms and held him. It was all she could do.

* * *

Alex went back to the DA's office, and as she'd expected, her colleagues were ecstatic to learn that she was still alive and back for good. She was promoted to bureau chief and the job was fine – it kept her occupied. She could throw herself into her work and forget about Olivia, as best she could, even though every time there was a detective who was supposed to testify in a case, she held her breath, terrified that it might be Olivia.

She was the boss. Hardened. Authoritative. But she was full of secret sorrow, and fear. She'd never been afraid of anything before. She wasn't even afraid of Zapata or Velez because she simply hadn't realized they had the power to destroy her. In hindsight, she should have been afraid. She should have been careful. But she wasn't.

In Witness Protection, she was afraid, but she was more afraid of losing Olivia – of losing _herself _– than anything. Every day, she'd dreamed of her return to New York. And now it was here, but it wasn't as wonderful as she'd anticipated. She was even more broken now than she'd been then, because everything she'd lived for had ceased to be.

Life went on, as it always did. The sun still rose in the morning and set in the evening. The birds still sang and there were still rude, incompetent taxi drivers on the streets. There were still rapists and murderers to convict and she still felt the pain every single morning when she woke up in bed alone.

She knew most of the ADA's who worked in her office and most of them, while competent and generally good-natured, really got on her nerves when they didn't do exactly as she wanted, exactly _when_ she wanted, exactly _how _she wanted. Her nerves were tight nowadays, and she realized just how much she'd probably annoyed Liz when she was working under her. Jim Steele, whom she'd known for years, was constantly hitting on her. Nick Potter, the new guy, had gotten mugged and she'd forced him to take some time off, so now they were one person short. Jessica Rossi reminded her so much of her former self that it drove her crazy, and it put them into constant conflict.

And then she met Robert.

She wasn't sexually attracted to him by any stretch of the imagination, although he was reasonably good-looking and could carry on an intelligent conversation and had almost as much money as she did. He worked on Wall Street and he was clearly infatuated with her. So she started to go out with him.

But this time, she had no excuse. She wasn't Nancy Daniels anymore, so she couldn't say that it didn't matter; that Alex Cabot still loved Olivia but Nancy Daniels could love whomever she wanted because it didn't matter. But maybe this new Alex Cabot could do the same. It was just easier in a way, not to care, not to commit, not to love anyone or anything, not to even _like _anyone or anything. It wasn't particularly pleasant, but it made things a hell of a lot easier.

Jim was envious of Robert. There was no other way to put it. He continued to make advances even when she made it clear that if there had ever been a "them," it was not to continue any longer. She was committed to Robert. She intentionally forgot to mention that once upon a time, she'd been committed to a gorgeous detective named Olivia, and a handsome little boy named Joshua.

She went home with Robert every night now. He was good to her, or at least, good enough. He was _safe_, and that was the important thing. He could be controlling at times, but as long as she didn't have any steadfast opinions of her own and generally did as he said, she was okay.

Jim continually asked her if she was happy with Robert, and she tried to ignore him, evading the question as best she could. She knew he cared about her, but his continuous sexual advances were unwelcome and tiring. But she also knew he would know if she lied to him, and then he would do something about it.

They had sex every night before they went to sleep, and while it was nothing like sex had been with Olivia, it wasn't _bad_.

Until one night when she said no.

It had been a horrible day – or at least, more horrible than usual. A woman who'd been raped and beaten half to death by a monster they couldn't convict. And the day after he'd been released, he'd killed her.

Every time Alex closed her eyes, the broken, battered body of that poor woman floated in front of her. And she knew she wouldn't be able to handle a man tonight, pushing, thrusting inside her. She'd feel too much like that woman.

"Not tonight, Robert," she said weakly.

He looked hurt. "Why not? Don't you love me? Don't you want me?"

"I do," she assured him. "I do. I just – not tonight."

His expression changed from concern to suspicion. "Is there someone else?"

_Yes_, she didn't say. _And I have a kid with her_. Instead, she shook her head. "No. No, of course not. It's just –" But his hands pulling at her clothes stopped her. "Robert, I said _no_!"

But he didn't listen. Her apprehension turned to fear as he took off her pants and underwear, not roughly, but not exactly gently either.

"Robert," she repeated. "Please don't. I don't want to tonight. Let go of me!"

He ignored her, unbuckling his own belt and pulling down his boxers. He thrust inside her, and it did hurt, because she was dry. She tried to fight him, tried to squirm away, tried to kick him, but it was to no avail. He was stronger than she was and her protests only made him angrier, and that only made it hurt more. She finally gave up the fight, lying still and lifeless like a worn childhood toy, and she tried to concentrate on breathing. A few tears streaked down her cheeks, but she was paralyzed beneath him, and she couldn't wipe them away.

He didn't say a word, just continued to thrust inside her. And it hurt. It hurt so much by then and she couldn't hold back the tears. "Please stop," she begged, hating herself for being so weak, for not being able to fight back.

"Don't you love me?" he whispered, kissing her lips and continuing to push inside her.

She couldn't answer. She just cried as he emptied himself inside her, then got up and went to the bathroom as if nothing had happened.

She took a moment to compose herself. She didn't want him to see her weakness, her fear. She didn't want him to see how much he'd hurt her. She was in pain, inside and out, and she couldn't help but think of what Olivia would say. "You're my princess, Alex, and you deserve to be treated better than this." It should have comforted her, but instead it made her want to cry harder.

And still, she stayed. Because a part of her thought that maybe she deserved this.

**Review for more!**


	49. Chapter 49

**I know everyone wants me to let Alex go home . . . soon, I promise! And here's my compromise for now.**

With everything that had happened between her and Robert, Alex couldn't take it anymore. Joshua's absence was slowly destroying her. She missed Olivia too, but Olivia had left her, not the other way around. Well, she'd left Olivia, but not voluntarily. Olivia had left her by her own free will.

She finally made a decision. Praying that Joshua still went to the same school and recess was still at the same time, she went to visit. At the front office, she asked the secretary to page Joshua to come to the office.

Her little boy ran into her arms when he saw her, his face lighting up like it was Christmas. He wrapped his arms around Alex and hugged her tightly.

She held him close, then knelt down so they were eye level and smiled through the tears that were brimming in her eyes. "You're getting so big." And then she pulled him to her again. "I'm so sorry, Joshy. I missed so much of your life and I didn't want to, but . . ." She took a deep breath. "How's Casey doing?"

He shrugged. "Fine. Are you going to come back now?"

Alex sighed. "No, honey. I can't. And I only came to see you because I missed you so much, and I'm sorry for asking you to do this, but I need you to keep this a secret. You can't tell Olivia you saw me."

Joshua began to cry. "You're not coming back?"

"No, Joshua. I can't."

"So what am I supposed to tell Olivia?"

"Don't tell her anything." Alex hated herself for having to ask him to do this for her, but it was necessary.

Tears leaked from his baby blues like large, wet pearls. "I have the card you sent for Christmas in my bedroom," he whispered. "Olivia helped me frame it." He wrapped his arms around her neck. "Why didn't you call us back?"

"I can't be with Olivia anymore, Joshy. There's Casey now, and I can't stand between them. That wouldn't be fair to either of them."

Joshua looked at the ground. "But I like Casey."

"I know, honey. You're allowed to like Casey. But that's why – I can come see you sometimes, but we'll keep it between the two of us, okay?"

Joshua nodded. "I love you, Allie."

"Oh, baby," she whispered, taking him into her arms again. "I love you, too."

* * *

Joshua was unusually quiet when Olivia picked him up from school. He was more solemn now that he knew Alex wasn't coming back, but she could tell that there was something going on with him, and she needed to figure out what it was. "How was school, baby?" she asked in as nonthreatening a voice as she could muster.

He shrugged, lowering his eyes and murmuring, "Okay."

"What did you do?" she prodded.

"I had a spelling test." But she could tell that he wasn't telling her the whole story.

"How did recess go?"

He sighed. "Okay."

"What did you do?"

He hesitated before answering, "Played soccer."

"With who?"

"A couple boys in my class."

She could tell he was lying to her; she just didn't know why. "Who won?"

"We did."

"If I ask your teacher, what will she tell me?"

Joshua glared at her through the rearview mirror. "She'll tell you to mind your own business."

"Don't talk to me that way, Joshua," warned Olivia, but she was more concerned than upset. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"Nothing," he snapped.

"We need to stop by the precinct before we go home," she informed him.

"I don't want to."

"I forget the house key there, so if we don't, we won't be getting in the house. Why don't you want to?"

He buried his head in his hands. "I just want to go home."

They reached the precinct and Joshua asked if he could stay in the car. Olivia hesitated, but her caution won out and she shook her head. "Come on, Josh."

He dug in his heels, stubbornly shaking his head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Is Casey there?"

Answering a question with a question, she noted. He'd learned it from her. "Yes."

"I'm not coming in," he told her.

She wasn't really in the mood to get into a power struggle with her nine-year-old, but she wasn't sure how long she would be and it wasn't safe to leave him in the car if she couldn't see him. "Yes, you are."

"No," he insisted.

She sighed, settling on a compromise. "How about I send Casey out to sit with you?"

He shook his head vehemently. "No!"

"Why? Are you upset with her?"

He began to cry. "No . . . just run in and grab your keys. Leave me here!"

She was pretty sure that arguing with Joshua would be more time consuming and pain inducing than just doing as he told her. She really didn't like letting her son call the shots, but she was too worn out to continue to push the point. "Fine. I'll be back in two minutes, honey."

She ran in and out as fast as she could, and they drove the rest of the way in silence. When they went inside, Joshua stomped straight to his room. Olivia tried to follow him, but he slammed the door in her face. "Leave me alone!" he exclaimed, and Olivia knew he meant it, so she let him be.

And when she went in to check on him an hour later, she found him crying for Alex.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	50. Chapter 50

The next morning, nothing was said about what had happened that night. Nothing was said about the fact that Alex had curled up in a ball and cried herself to sleep, albeit silently, or the fact that she flinched when he touched her. But he tried to make it up to her, taking her out for a candlelit dinner at one of New York's finest restaurants and taking her to Broadway show afterward. She'd never been as materialistic as he seemed to think, but she didn't particularly mind. She was just glad that after that, _no _meant _no _and _stop _meant _stop_.

She wanted to go see her son again, but she wanted to wait for this whole thing with Robert to blow over first, just in case he tried to call her and couldn't reach her and thought she was having an affair. Which was almost ironic, because in a way, she was.

Robert asked Alex to marry him several weeks later, presenting her with a 24 carat, princess cut diamond ring. It was absolutely gorgeous, and even though she knew she didn't love him and knew that Olivia still owned her heart, she said yes, even though she knew she would regret it later on. What was another ounce of pain, another shame weighing her down?

They started to plan an elegant party and announced their engagement to Alex's colleagues. Olivia was not invited.

* * *

Olivia continued to sporadically call Alex and leave her messages, although Joshua refused to do the same, and Alex never called back. She presumed that her little boy was mad at Alex, and she had to admit that she couldn't blame him. She knew that Alex was Bureau Chief now, and although she was proud of her girlfriend, it broke her heart that Alex seemed to be avoiding her. And Olivia didn't know why.

And then she read in the newspaper that Alex was _engaged_. To a _man_. A corporate type named Robert, who was nearly as wealthy as she was, although his was mostly self-made – he worked on Wall Street. She burst into tears when she read it. She still loved Alex, more than anything except maybe her son, but clearly Alex didn't love her anymore, because she was marrying this man. Much as she hated to admit it, she was envious.

"Livvy?" asked Joshua solemnly, coming into the kitchen where Olivia was sitting and wrapping his arms around her neck. "Are you okay?"

Olivia turned the paper over so he wouldn't see the article about Alex. "Fine, baby," she whispered, trying to quell her tears. "I love you."

He still looked uncertain, but he murmured, "I love you, too."

"Go get dressed now, okay?"

He nodded and went back to his bedroom, and Olivia took out her phone and dialed the number she now knew by heart. After the customary voice message and beep, Olivia cleared her throat.

"Alex, I heard you got engaged, and well . . . I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy, even if it's not with me. I guess I must have done something, even though I don't know what it is. I'm sorry. I – I want to see you again, but if you don't want to, that's okay even though I don't – I don't really understand it. I just want you to be happy. So if this is it, then I hope he treats you like the princess you are and I hope you love him and you're happy with him." She couldn't help the tears as she murmured, "I love you, Alex, and I'll never stop loving you."

* * *

Alex got Olivia's message a day later, and she couldn't stop the tears brimming in her eyes as she listened to it. She almost believed Olivia. _Almost_. But she couldn't let herself get hurt again. So she stayed away.

But she knew her son shouldn't suffer for Olivia's mistakes. So the day after she got engaged, she went to see him, as selfish and wrong as she knew it was. She had the secretary page Joshua at recess, but instead of running into her arms when he saw her, he stared accusingly at her ring. "You're engaged."

He was a perceptive one, for sure. It wasn't a question and Alex didn't treat it as one. Although she didn't want to hurt her son, she nodded anyway.

He glared at her. "So you're never coming back?"

Alex sighed. "Casey –"

"I stopped talking to Casey," he informed her, as if that would fix things.

She winced. That wasn't what she'd wanted at all. "No, Joshy. No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant when I told you that."

He looked up at her, his eyes wide with sadness. "Then what did you mean, Alex? Why won't you come back?"

"Honey, there's not a place for me anymore."

"There's always a place for you!" he insisted. "Olivia misses you. She still loves you. So do I."

She hugged her son, pulling him to her. "It doesn't quite work that way, Joshua."

"It should!" He began to cry. "And now you're getting married." He took a deep breath to compose himself, an action so like Olivia that it made Alex want to cry too. "Do you love him?" It was a simple, honest, innocent question, and looking into Joshua's eyes, shiny with tears, she knew she couldn't lie.

"No," she admitted.

Joshua stepped back and stared at her uncomprehendingly. "Then why are you with him?"

She sighed. How could she explain this to her nine-year-old, who seemed so much more reasonable than her in that moment? He saw things in black and white: if you love someone, you stay with them, and if you don't, you don't. But he didn't understand the complexities of such relationships. She didn't think she was staying with Robert because she was afraid, but she might have been. He'd hurt her once, and he could easily do it again. Maybe she was just staying because some small part of her thought that she deserved this punishment. She'd abandoned her family, and then Olivia had found someone else. She must have done something wrong, even though she couldn't figure out what it was, or else Olivia would have waited for her. She'd always promised she would.

Evading the question, as attorneys were prone to do, she kissed Joshua's forehead. "I love _you_," she told him, taking his hands in hers.

"Olivia cried when she found out you were going to get married," he informed her. "_She _loves you, and you love her."

His words pierced Alex's heart like a knife and her throat constricted. She managed to force out an, "I'm sorry." The bell rang and Alex whispered, "I have to go now, honey. But I'll be back."

"No!" he wailed, trying in vain to latch onto her arm as more tears streaked down his cheeks. "Please, please don't leave me alone! I want to go with you!"

"Joshy, you can't." She managed to extricate herself from Joshua's grasp and with one lingering caress to his cheek, she repeated, "I'm sorry." And she walked away, trying to ignore her little boy's anguished cries.

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	51. Chapter 51

**Okay, finally - here is the chapter you've all been waiting for. Yes, it's a bit (well, a _lot_) longer, but I don't think anyone will complain. :)**

Joshua's eyes were red rimmed and puffy when Olivia picked him up from school. She noticed immediately and knelt down in front of Joshua so they were eye level, taking his small cold hands in her large warm ones. She couldn't help but be reminded of Alex at the gesture. Her hands were always icy too.

He refused to meet her eyes. "Alex is never coming back," he whispered before falling into her arms.

Olivia sighed as sge shouldered his backpack, lifting him into her arms and carrying him to the car. She assumed he'd read somewhere about the wedding. She'd wanted to keep it from him, but she should have known that he was more perceptive than she gave him credit for.

When they got home, Joshua went to his room and when Olivia tried to come in, he howled so loudly that she left him alone. Elliot and Casey were coming for dinner and she'd wanted to ask him if she should cancel, but he wouldn't answer. So she took it as a no. The two of them might be able to coax Joshua into a better mood anyway.

They arrived at the same time, Casey bearing brownies and Elliot carrying cupcakes. "Lizzie and Kathy made them," he explained.

"Where's Josh?" asked Casey.

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I don't know. He came home from school all upset about Alex and he went to his room and hasn't come out since."

"I'll go talk to him," offered Casey. She knocked on his door and when she got no response, she went inside anyway and perched on the edge of Joshua's bed. "Hey, Josh. What's up?"

He bolted upright and glared at her. "Leave me alone!"

"What's wrong?" she asked, holding out her hand to him, but he slapped it away and shouted,

"Get out!"

"Josh –"

"Out!" he screeched before bursting into a fresh round of sobbing.

Casey sighed and obeyed. "Well, that was an epic failure," she commented to Olivia.

The detective sighed, too. "That's what I've been getting all day."

* * *

Alex went out with Robert's sister, searching for a dress to wear to her engagement party, but her heart wasn't in it. Mindy suggested a blue, low-cut strapless dress that she said would set off Alex's eyes, and Alex was too tired to argue. It was $4 720, but she figured it was worth it.

But when she showed the dress to Robert that night, he pursed his lips in disapproval. "I don't like it, Alexandra."

She stared at him. "What?"

"It makes you look like a slut," he snapped.

She raised her eyebrows. "_Excuse _me?"

He glared at her, and before she knew it, his fist had collided with her eye. She gasped and her hand flew to the spot he'd just hit. For once, she was speechless.

Robert's expression immediately softened and he took Alex into his arms, kissing the crown of her head. "I'm sorry, babe," he whispered, holding her close. "I didn't mean to do that. I was just – I'm sorry." He kissed her again. "I love you, Alexandra. You know that, right?"

She nodded, albeit a bit shakily. "I know." But they were just words. Nobody loved her anymore, even the one person who always had.

* * *

The next day at work, she was distracted, and Jim picked up on it. He kept asking her if she was okay, if she was happy with Robert, and Alex couldn't tell whether it was out of jealousy or concern because of her freshly blackened eye.

Luckily, their conversation was interrupted when the new dress that Alex had ordered arrived. It was orange, which was Robert's favorite color, and it was slightly less revealing than the other one. "Do you think he'll like it?" Alex asked Jim, anxiety creeping into her tone. What was wrong with her? The old Alex Cabot _never _felt insecure. But then, that might have been because Olivia told her she was beautiful no matter what. Aside from which, Alex didn't want Robert to hit her again.

And when she showed it to him, he told her that she was gorgeous, and everything was okay.

* * *

The day before her engagement party, Alex went to see Joshua again. She knew that Olivia would read about it in the paper the next day and she would rather Joshua find out from her.

He stopped short when he saw her, crossing his arms over his chest. "What happened to your eye?"

It had mostly healed, but it was still visible. Alex was going to have to layer her foundation tomorrow, because she was sure there would be pictures in a magazine or a newspaper and she didn't want anyone else to know. Her little boy was perceptive.

"Nothing," she said quickly, kneeling so they were eye level and kissing Joshua's forehead. "I missed you, baby,"

"I want to come home with you," he begged. "Please let me stay with you."

She sighed. "You can't, honey."

His face fell. "Don't you want me? Don't you love me anymore?"

"That's not it, Joshy. That's definitely not it. I do want you and I do love you. It just – it's not going to work out."

And although he was nine, no longer the six-year-old she remembered, Joshua still knew how to throw a good temper tantrum. He threw himself on the ground and kicked and screamed, and he refused to be consoled when three teachers came running, casting Alex accusatory glances as they half-carried him back to class.

His cries of, "I want my Alex!" echoed in her ears as she bowed her head and walked out the door, her heart breaking a little more with each step.

* * *

The engagement party was awful. There was simply nothing else to say for it. But she put on a brave face and smiled along as her guests admired her ring and congratulated her on her engagement and stuffed themselves full of "rich people food," as Olivia had called it once upon a time.

But her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

* * *

Olivia cried herself to sleep every night now, and somehow, Joshua was just as confused and hurt as she was. Maybe he somehow sensed that Alex was gone for good and she was never going to come back because she had her own life now.

Life went on. She woke Joshua up every morning for school, made sure he got dressed and ready, made him breakfast, took him to school, went to work, pretended to care about other victims' pain, picked her son up, helped him with his homework, made him dinner, read to him, and put him to bed. Every day was tedious and structured, but that was comforting in a way.

Joshua had his tenth birthday, but he'd grown more withdrawn over the past year. There always seemed to be something troubling him, but he refused to tell her what it was.

She missed Alex, but a part of her understood that she couldn't spend her whole life focused on the ADA. She still had her job and her friends and her son. And that would have to be enough.

She read about the engagement party in the newspaper and she sat at her kitchen table with a steaming mug of coffee and cried for the woman she loved, who still hadn't even called her back. That should have made her angry – they had a _child _together, for God's sake! – but it just made her sad.

She examined the picture more closely and noticed a dark coloration around Alex's left eye that Alex had clearly tried to cover with makeup. It concerned her for a moment, but she brushed it off. This guy must have been an amazing man, for Alex to have chosen him over her.

She cringed inwardly. She and the squad hadn't even been invited to the engagement party, and she would guess that they wouldn't be invited to the wedding either. _The wedding_. She really didn't want to think of Alex being with anyone but her, even now.

* * *

When the last guests had finally left, Alex collapsed in the living room while the housekeeper scurried around the house, cleaning up. Robert sat down beside her and took her into his arms, holding her close. "Love you, babe," he murmured, leaning in for a kiss. "And you look absolutely radiant tonight."

She was too exhausted – too _sad_ – to reply. She rested her head on his shoulder and tried to pretend she was safe in Olivia's embrace.

She hated how the detective could do this to her, even though she wasn't part of Alex's life anymore, and the ADA had made it so. She compared everyone to Olivia and none of them could ever measure up. So why wasn't she with Olivia? she wondered.

Robert ran his fingers through her hair. "I had a good time tonight. Did you?"

Alex nodded, automatically, not because it was true, because it wasn't. She closed her eyes and tried to push away her thoughts of Olivia. She knew she shouldn't be thinking of the detective when she was in her fiancé's arms. It was just _wrong_.

Robert kissed her again. "You are the most beautiful woman in the world."

Alex sighed and tried to relax in his arms, but it just didn't feel right. She kept thinking of Olivia. She knew every nook and cranny of Olivia's body and fit right into all of her curves, as if they were one body instead of two.

He kissed her temple. "You're my princess."

Alex started to tremble at that, pushing herself up out of Robert's arms. "Don't call me that. Ever," she commanded in her iciest voice, and no one ever said no to Alex Cabot when she gave a direct order like that.

Robert grabbed her wrist, pulling her back toward him. "Don't you walk away from me," he said in that soft, dangerous voice Alex had come to fear. "Apologize. Now."

"No." She should have learned by now, she really should have, but she wasn't thinking.

It earned her a sharp, powerful slap across the face, so hard that it sent her reeling and she stumbled back, clutching her burning cheek and trying not to cry.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again," he said in a measured, authoritative tone.

"If you ever touch me again, I'll put your balls in a blender," she replied, matching his calm manner and forcing her hand back down to her side.

Robert laughed. He actually _laughed_. He stepped toward her and landed another punch, just below where he'd hit her the first time. She bit her lip to keep from crying out, but apparently Robert wasn't satisfied, because he hit her again, splitting open her lip. "What did I just say?" he snapped, pushing her up against the wall and holding her arms above her head and pinning them to the wall, effectively immobilizing her.

She trembled, waiting for him to release her, too terrified to move.

He leaned forward and crashed his lips against hers. She tried to turn her head away, but he smacked her again and her head snapped to the side from the impact and he got what he wanted anyway. Tears brimmed in her eyes, but she furiously blinked them back. She would stay strong. She had to.

Finally he released her and she sank to her knees, long blonde tresses falling over the dark bruises beginning to form on her face. "Have you learned your lesson?" he snarled, aiming a kick at her stomach.

She whimpered, but nodded. All she cared about now was getting him to leave her alone. Keeping her body from breaking tonight was more important than keeping her pride intact.

* * *

Even after all that, Alex stayed, because she knew that she deserved this. She'd done so many things wrong, and maybe this was her punishment.

Until one day, she didn't.

There was a case at work that she'd had to prosecute, a woman whose husband beat her until she could barely walk. But that wasn't it. That woman, that young, tortured woman – she couldn't have been any older than twenty-five – looked at Alex with such a _knowingness _that it scared her. Moreover, it reminded her of Olivia.

And that was when she knew she couldn't stay.

She went home that day and made up her mind. "I'm leaving," she told him.

He stared at her. "Where would you go?"

She sighed, because she didn't know, and she didn't want to admit the one idea festering in her mind. She didn't want to think that she might actually confess to the woman who was always so strong that she, Alex Cabot, was weak and _broken_. But then, she knew Olivia would tell her that she wasn't weak _or _broken because she hadn't stayed. She'd saved herself. And that made her feel a bit better.

"It doesn't concern you," she replied in her best ice princess voice. She took a deep breath and pulled the beautiful, princess cut diamond ring off her ring finger. "We're done."

"But Alexandra," he begged. "I love you."

She looked down her nose at him and reached up to touch her face, her swollen cheek where he'd slapped it, her fading black eye. "No, you don't. If you loved me, you wouldn't hurt me."

"I _won't_! It was an accident!"

She shook her head. If she had loved him, she might have stayed, but she truthfully never had. He had been her surrogate Olivia and that was almost sufficient, until he started hurting her, which was something Alex knew Olivia would never do. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and left one last lingering kiss on his cheek before she turned on her heel and walked away.

Before she knew it, her feet had carried her to Olivia's apartment, and she was standing there, looking up at the sky. Suddenly the universe seemed so vast.

She wasn't brave enough. Not yet. And she'd turned around, ready to walk away, and then she heard the scream.

It was a high-pitched shriek, more akin to a wounded animal than anything even remotely human. Alex turned in the direction of the scream, and there was Olivia and Joshua, both running to her, both with tears streaking down their cheeks, and it was Joshua who'd screamed. He reached her first and jumped into her arms, burying his head in her shoulder. He was heavy now, much heavier than she'd remembered, much too big for this really, but that was to be expected; he was ten now, a young man. He was no longer the little boy she'd known.

And then Olivia was there, wrapping her arms around the two of them, pulling Alex close, and the ADA relaxed in Olivia's embrace. This was what she'd missed, the safety she felt here in Olivia's arms. She felt salty tears dampening her hair and then she realized that she was crying too.

She took a deep breath to compose herself. She couldn't do this. Not now. Alex briefly wondered where Casey was, but shook it off. She was probably still at work. And Alex had better be gone by the time she showed up.

She pulled out of Olivia's embrace and tried to set Joshua on the ground, but he clung to her like a lifeline, latching onto her neck and refusing to let go.

Alex sighed. "Let go, baby. You're heavy."

He shook his head and buried his face in her shoulder. "Don't leave me again!" he wailed.

She kissed the crown of his head. "I'm going to put you down now." She couldn't make him any promises.

The second Joshua's feet hit the ground, he wrapped his arms around her stomach and held tight. Alex sighed and glanced helplessly at Olivia, who was just standing there, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. She took a deep breath to quell the flow of her own tears.

"I'm sorry." She said it so quietly that she wasn't sure if Olivia heard, and after a moment, it was if she hadn't spoken at all. Olivia just stood there, staring at her uncomprehendingly, unable to say a word.

She was falling again, into Olivia's huge chocolate eyes, wet with her tears. And it would be so easy to fall back into their old rhythm. They could dance all they liked, because both of them knew the steps, but things were never going to be the same. And they both knew it.

"I'm sorry," she said again, turning and starting to go, which was difficult with Joshua latched onto her like that.

"No!" he shrieked, holding onto her even more tightly, and she didn't have the heart to physically push him away. This was breaking her heart, but then she realized how wrong it was. She hadn't meant to end up here.

"Alex."

Finally, Olivia had spoken, and much as she was loath to do so, she turned back to the detective. Those dark eyes were full of so much pain that Alex wanted to go to her and take Olivia into her arms and hold her close, kissing away all the hurt she was feeling now. But she couldn't.

Still, she couldn't move. She just stood there, paralyzed, unable to go to Olivia but unable to walk away either. "No, Olivia," she managed, but the words sounded hollow even to her, and though her mouth was saying no, her heart was screaming yes. And the words, just Olivia's _name_, sounded so good on her tongue.

"What did I do wrong?" whispered Olivia, more tears streaming down her face.

"Don't be silly, Olivia. You really thought I didn't know?"

Olivia shrugged helplessly.

"Casey," snapped Alex.

Olivia looked confused. "Casey hasn't worked here in nearly a year. What about her?"

"Don't play games, Olivia. You know what I mean."

"Humor me."

"You're sleeping with her!" Alex burst out.

Olivia blinked, genuinely surprised. "I am?"

"Don't do that, Olivia. You know you are."

Olivia vehemently shook her head. "Alex, I don't know why you would think that, but I'm not! I love you, Alex. I could never be with anyone else."

"You expect me to believe that you went four years without sleeping with _anyone_? Please, Olivia. Don't insult my intelligence."

"I love _you_, Alex. You're the only one. You always have been." More tears fell unchecked, and Olivia's voice was hoarse with emotion as she whispered, "I waited a year and a half, and then you came and left, and then I waited another year. And still, you didn't return. But I waited. Even when you got engaged, I waited. Because I love you and there could never be anyone else."

Alex hardly dared to breathe. "You knew I'd come back."

Relief was evident in Olivia's eyes and she reached out and took Alex's hand. "You did."

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	52. Chapter 52

**Don't worry; the good part is now officially here! So please drop me a review. :)**

"Please, Alex," begged Joshua, tugging on her hand. "Come in with us."

"I can't," she whispered, but her protests were wearing thin. Her head was spinning. Olivia _had _been sleeping with Casey . . . she'd seen them together . . . and Joshua had told her . . . or had it all just been some misunderstanding? "I – I saw you," she stammered. "I saw you together."

Olivia still looked bemused, but she held tight to Alex's hand and said gently, "Why don't we finish this discussion inside? I'll make you a cup of tea, or a hot chocolate if you'd like that better." She managed a wry smile. "White hot chocolate with 1% milk and mini-marshmallows."

And that broke her. Alex couldn't refuse, not now. Olivia still remembered how she liked her hot chocolate. And there was her son, clutching her hand and begging her with his huge, sad eyes to stay. So what could she do? Mutely, she let Olivia lead her up to the apartment.

It hadn't changed much. The furniture was mostly the same, there were still some photographs of them on the mantel, and some new ones of Joshua. There were some pictures he'd drawn taped to the fridge and there were books strewn all over the place.

Olivia went to the kitchen and started some coffee for herself and hot chocolate for Alex and Joshua. Alex sat down on the couch and Joshua curled up against her. When the drinks were ready, Olivia gave Alex and Joshua their hot chocolate and sat down across from them, clearly wanting to come closer but unsure if she really should. They stayed like that in silence for a few minutes, calming down, before Olivia cleared her throat. "What do you mean, you saw us?"

Alex took a deep breath. "When I was coming back from Witness Protection, I came here as soon as I could. But you and Joshua and Casey were going out somewhere – holding hands – don't play with me, Olivia. Maybe not anymore, but you _were _in a relationship with her." She wisely decided to omit that she'd been to visit Joshua and he'd confirmed it.

Olivia shook her head, still bewildered. "She was our _friend_, Alex. Nothing more. She still comes over for dinner occasionally, but that's it. I promise you, I have never been in a relationship with her because I'm in love with _you_. The day you were supposed to come back, she did come over for an hour or so, and we went to the park. I'm so sorry if you misunderstood, honey, but we were never intimate. _Never_."

Alex felt the world falling away. "Never?" she echoed weakly.

"Never," Olivia assured her.

Alex's breath hitched. She believed Olivia, and then – she'd avoided her family for over a year for no reason whatsoever except for a stupid misunderstanding! She should have known that Olivia loved her and would never be with someone else. She was so stupid! "I'm sorry, Olivia," she whispered, trying to keep the tears from spilling over. "I should have known. I stayed away for such a long time because I thought – you must hate me. I'm so sorry."

And then Olivia did cross over to sit beside Alex and took the ADA's hands in her own. "I could never hate you, princess. _Never_. I love you. And even if you stayed away forever and never came back, nothing would ever change that. Nothing ever _could_."

And Alex didn't get upset with Olivia for calling her "princess," because from Olivia's lips, the term of endearment felt so, so right. "I left him," she murmured, uncertain cerulean eyes darting up to meet Olivia's chocolate ones.

"Why?" asked Olivia, a bit hesitantly. She wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know.

Alex sighed. "Joshy," she said softly. "Why don't you go play in your room for a bit? I'll be there later and you can show me your new stuffed animals. Do you still have Teddy?"

He nodded, and immediately got up and did as she'd asked, which surprised Alex for a moment, but she shrugged it off. It didn't matter why he was listening; it only mattered that he listened. Because she was about to tell Olivia something that she didn't want their son to hear.

When she heard the door to Joshua's room close, she turned back to Olivia. "He abused me," she said, quietly but clinically, with no emotion whatsoever. "And I left."

Olivia's dark orbs were full of sadness, but moreover, _compassion_. She squeezed Alex's hand. "You're so brave," she murmured. She paused again and ran a hand through her hair, knowing she shouldn't ask, knowing she didn't want the answer, but she couldn't quite help herself. "Why were you with him, baby? I know what you thought, but he . . ." She trailed off, unsure how to complete the thought, unsure what she even wanted to say.

Alex couldn't meet her eyes. She was so ashamed, of the way she'd treated Olivia, of the fact she'd stayed away, that she'd let herself get sucked in with Robert, and here was Olivia, being so good to her, telling her that she still loved her. "I wanted to forget," she mumbled. "I thought - I thought you were gone, for good, and I didn't know what I'd done wrong. I know that must seem hypocritical, and I guess it is." She laughed self-depracatingly, a cold laugh devoid of any real humor. "I guess I just expected you to wait for me."

"But Alex, I _did. _And I had no idea what _I'd _done wrong to make you want to go."

To her horror, Alex found tears rushing to her eyes. She furiously blinked them back and took a deep breath to calm herself. "I –" she began, but Olivia held up a hand to silence her.

"You're going to stay now, right?"

Alex took a sip of her hot chocolate. She wanted to ask if Olivia still wanted her to stay, but that would sound too needy. Alex Cabot was never needy. Instead, she just shrugged helplessly.

"Don't you want to?"

Now it was Olivia sounding insecure, and Alex hastened to assure her that she did. "I do, Liv. I do. More than anything. But it's been a long time. There's not a place here for me anymore."

Tears rushed to Olivia's eyes. "Yes, there is! There is, Alex. We love you and we want you to stay with us. We've missed you so much. I've spent _years _waiting for this. Please stay here. Please."

She was _begging_, and Alex couldn't deny her when she realized how much this meant to Olivia. She relented. "Just for tonight."

She could feel Olivia's relief and the detective pulled Alex onto her lap, kissing the crown of her head and rocking her in her arms. Alex felt a few salty droplets land on her hair, and she realized Olivia was crying. _She'd made Olivia cry_. And that made her feel even worse than she was already feeling.

But much as she hated to admit it, she'd been waiting for this day for years as well, for Olivia to hold her and rock her back and forth, erecting a cocoon of safety around her. She relaxed in the detective's arms, cuddling closer to her and resting her head in the crook of Olivia's neck, trying not to cry herself. She had to be strong. She was Alex Cabot and she was _not _weak and she did _not _cry.

When Olivia's tears had subsided, she lifted Alex into her arms as if she was nothing more than a child and carried her to the bedroom, which hadn't changed at all since Alex had last been here, and that comforted her. Olivia threw on a fresh t-shirt and sweats and Alex rummaged around in one of the drawers, finally coming up with one of Olivia's NYPD sweatshirts. She pulled it over her head and changed into a pair of Olivia's boy shorts, grinning at the detective as she did so.

Olivia smiled back and lay down beside Alex on the bed, taking the ADA into her arms and caressing her cheek. Alex flinched at the touch, then sighed. "Sorry," she murmured.

Olivia's eyes were full of sadness. "He hit you."

Alex nodded, sighing again as she snuggled closer to the detective.

Olivia kissed her once more. "I love you, Alex. I mean that. I know it might be hard, but we can work things out. We want you back."

Alex hesitated, but nodded. "I love you, too, Liv. I want to stay."

They'd forgotten about Joshua, and Alex was pleasantly surprised when she woke up to find a small, warm body curled up against hers.

He stirred and opened his eyes, looking up into Alex's eyes. "You're home?" he asked, a bit hesitantly.

Alex nodded, unshed tears shining in her baby blues.

"For good?"

She nodded again, and his smile lit up her world.

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	53. Chapter 53

**Warning for suggestive (but mostly not explicit) themes in this chapter. Enjoy!**

They let Joshua take the next day off school so they could spend the day together. Alex had wanted to get things back to normal as quickly as possible, but Olivia had wanted to take advantage of her presence, lest it be stolen from them once again.

Olivia made Alex and Joshua breakfast in bed, and Alex couldn't quite stop her tears when she took the first bite of banana pancake. This was Olivia, always treating her like a princess, making her her favorite breakfast in bed and the three of them cuddling, even when she didn't deserve it. She'd put her family through so much pain, and still they loved her.

Olivia climbed onto the bed and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and their son, holding them both in her arms. "I love you, princess," she whispered, kissing the crown of Alex's head.

Alex put down her plate and snuggled closer to Olivia, but Joshua prevented her from moving too close. "Joshua sandwich!" he cried, pushing his mothers apart so he didn't get squished between them.

Alex laughed. "Sorry, sweetie."

Joshua picked up Alex's discarded pancake and took a bite, sprinkling crumbs over the duvet. Olivia handed him the plate and shook her head. "Uh uh. Eat over the plate or don't eat in this bed, Josh. This is a no mess zone!"

Joshua grinned, taking another bite but obediently eating over the plate. "Sorry."

The three of them snuggled for hours, just taking comfort from each other's presence. Alex felt just awful. She could have had this a year ago, if only she'd believed in Olivia, and trusted that she would never do anything to hurt Alex. And she knew that. She knew Olivia loved her.

She leaned toward Olivia and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"No, baby, don't be sorry. You're here now. That's what matters."

Alex smiled at Joshua. "Are you still the checkers master, Joshy?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "Will you play with me?"

"Sure."

They spent the day playing checkers, watching movies, cuddling on the couch and laughing. Joshua told Alex all about school, about his friends, about everything he'd been up to for the last few weeks. Alex was just happy to be here – happy that her family still _wanted _her here.

* * *

That night, Alex and Olivia made Joshua sleep in his own bed. "We need some Mommy time," Olivia told him.

Joshua made a face. "Too much information. I'm out of here!"

Olivia rethought what she'd just said, then she got it. "That wasn't what I'd meant at all!"

Alex laughed. "Whatever. It's just as well." She grinned at Olivia. "I think some 'Mommy time' is quite a good idea."

"Mm. Where did you put your glasses?"

"In their case, where they belong. Why?"

Olivia smiled slyly. "'Mommy time' isn't complete without those sexy glasses of yours."

Alex giggled. "Cut it with the euphemisms. If you want to have sex, just say so."

Olivia grinned. "I want to have sex."

* * *

Two hours later, Alex was in Olivia's arms, her head resting on Olivia's shoulder. She couldn't get over how good making love with Olivia had felt. There was no pain, no dirtiness that engulfed her like a caul, no sadness, no fear.

Olivia was fast asleep, lightly snoring, her breath tickling Alex's cheek. Olivia's rhythmic breathing comforted her, and she snuggled closer to the detective. Olivia was so good to her. Even when it came to the fading bruises on her back, her arms, her thighs, Olivia had treated them with utmost tenderness, kissing them gently before continuing her trail down Alex's body. Blessed Olivia, who didn't ask, who didn't say a word, whose gaze didn't even linger on the deep contusions marring her fair skin.

She wrapped Olivia's arms more tightly around her and the detective stirred, smiling lazily at Alex, threading her fingers through fairy blonde hair. "That was incredible," she repeated for the third time that evening.

"It was," agreed Alex, then smiled slyly. "Do you think we're diminishing our son's innocence? After all, he's only in the next room."

"Mm. I'm very quiet when I come."

Alex laughed. "No, you're not! You moan all over the place."

"But you love me that way, pardoning any puns."

Alex grinned. "That's right."

"You're incredible, baby. That's what you do to me."

"Aren't there other things that make me . . . incredible?"

"Yes, but your abilities in bed most of all."

Alex leaned in for a kiss. "Love you, Liv."

"Love you, too, baby."

Alex nestled closer to Olivia, her voice barely audible as she said, "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too, honey. I – I called you. But you never called back. I was going to go see you, but then I read in the newspaper that you'd gotten married and I thought – it doesn't matter. You're here now, with me."

"Forever," promised Alex. "I'll never ever leave you again, Liv. I love you."

"And I love you."

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	54. Chapter 54

The next day, Joshua went back to school, and Alex and Olivia went to the precinct to say hello to their friends.

Alex was greeted with warm smiles from everyone and another one of John's conspiracy theories. "Good to know that nothing's changed," she commented to Olivia.

While Olivia went to ask the captain for two days off, Elliot came up to Alex. He gave her a hug and then joked, "I don't know if I should smack you for breaking Liv's heart or hug you for putting it back together."

Alex thought about it. "Both."

"Don't touch her, El!" called Olivia good-naturedly, crossing the squad room to come stand beside Alex and wrapping her arms around the blonde.

Alex smiled. "It's okay, Liv."

Olivia gently ran her fingers over the coloration on the back of Alex's neck, obscured by her long blonde hair. Alex flinched, just a little, and Olivia pressed a soft kiss to the fading mark. "No," she said. "It's not okay."

"I'm glad you're back, Alex," said Elliot sincerely.

"Thanks." She grinned. "Do you think there's still a job left for me?"

"Yes, _please_. Greylek's been driving us crazy since day one."

"Oh, please. I'm sure I drove you just as crazy."

Elliot and Olivia exchanged glances. "You haven't met Greylek!" they said in unison, then burst out laughing.

"Please, Alex, grant us a reprieve," begged Elliot.

"But if you're not ready to go back to work, you don't have to," said Olivia quickly.

"I'm ready. I'm definitely ready."

"Then why don't we stop by the DA's office later and talk to Liz?"

Alex groaned lightheartedly. "Oh, no! She's going to murder me."

"Why?"

Alex shrugged. "Well, you've got a lot of friends who are ready to kill me for hurting you like I did."

"But _Liz_?"

"Don't underestimate her," said Alex darkly.

Olivia laughed and pulled Alex close, kissing her forehead. "I'll protect you."

"I know you will," agreed Alex softly.

* * *

They went out for lunch together, and then for a walk through Central Park, talking about everything and nothing, basking in the warmth of the sun and each other's presence.

Finally, it was time to pick up Joshua from school. They drove to his school and when the bell rang, Joshua came bounding outside, shouldering a backpack that was nearly as large as he was. He climbed into the backseat, babbling about his day and what he'd done at recess and who he'd shared his lunch with. Alex couldn't keep up with him, which was saying a lot.

Olivia glanced at Alex and smiled. "Whoa, Josh. Give Alex a minute to breathe."

He grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

Alex turned back in her seat and held out her hand to Joshua. He took it, and they held hands the whole way home.

When they got home, Joshua went into the kitchen to start his homework and Olivia sat down to do some paperwork. Alex lay down on the couch and opened a book, unsure what to do with herself. She'd gotten through a chapter and a half when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, startled, but relaxed when she realized it was just Joshua.

"Sorry, Allie," he said. "Did I scare you?"

Alex shook her head. "No, it's okay. Do you need help with your homework?"

He nodded. "We're supposed to write an essay about heroes. Will you look mine over for me?"

"Sure." Alex got up and followed Joshua into the kitchen. He handed her the essay.

_If you ask someone who their hero is, they'll probably tell you that their hero is a celebrity or an athlete. But my hero is one of my mothers, Alex. She's the bravest person I ever met. She protects anyone who needs her help without expecting anything in return. Her job is to put bad guys in jail and she isn't scared of anything. She helps make the world a better place. That's why my mother, Alex, is my hero._

Alex looked back up at Joshua with tears in her eyes. His uncertain ones met hers, and he asked, "Is it okay?"

Alex managed a watery smile. "It's great, Joshy. Thank you."

Joshua's eyes were full of infinite adoration. "It's true."

Alex wished she could see herself the way her son saw her. She hadn't been brave at all. She'd left her family all alone because she'd been afraid. She _wasn't _a hero.

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	55. Chapter 55

After they put a very reluctant Joshua to bed, Alex and Olivia retired to their own room and got into bed. Olivia wrapped Alex into a warm embrace, and although Alex was used to being the strong one, she didn't mind the protective stance Olivia was taking toward her. She knew that when it came to her family, Olivia was like a mother bear, and she would take care of them above all else. Even if the gesture was just symbolic, Olivia seemed to take comfort in holding Alex, and to be honest, Alex took comfort in it as well.

Olivia pressed a gentle kiss to the base of her neck. "Sweet dreams for my sweet Alex," she whispered, and Alex smiled to herself.

"Sweet dreams for my sweet Olivia," she echoed, snuggling closer to her girlfriend before drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Alex woke up sweating and thrashing in the middle of the night, tracks of dried tears on her cheeks. "Please," she whispered. "No, no – please –"

Olivia started awake and when she saw Alex, she took her wrists so Alex wouldn't be able to injure herself with her thrashing. "It's okay, baby," she soothed. "You're okay. I'm here."

Alex's eyes flew open. She cringed as Olivia brushed her damp hair back from her forehead, then relaxed when she realized who it was. "Sorry," she murmured, sighing and squeezing her eyes shut. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay, princess." Olivia pulled Alex closer to her. "Bad dream?"

Alex nodded, curling into her girlfriend, her body slowly calming in Olivia's embrace. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shook her head. "No, just –" She hated having to ask, but it was what she needed right now. "Hold me?"

* * *

The next morning, Olivia let Alex sleep in. She got Joshua up and ready and drove him to school herself, and scribbled a note for Alex in case she woke up and no one was home.

After she dropped Joshua off, she went back home and made Alex French toast and a cup of white hot chocolate. She'd never used to be much good at cooking, but three years on her own with a little boy had encouraged her to learn. Alex was going to be impressed.

She was neatly arranging the French toast on a plate with strawberries and bananas when Alex padded into the kitchen, wearing her light blue bathrobe and yawning. "Good morning," she said.

Olivia grinned. Alex Cabot yawning was possibly the most adorable sight in the entire world. "'Morning, princess. I made you breakfast."

Alex covered her mouth, stifling another yawn. "Thanks, Liv. But since when do you cook?"

"Since you weren't here to do it for me."

Alex flinched as if Olivia had slapped her. She bit her lip and sat down at the table.

Olivia mulled her words over in her head, then froze, stricken. "Wow, Alex, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Alex sighed. "I guess I'm just feeling . . . vulnerable."

Olivia walked over to Alex and wrapped her arms around the ADA, kissing the crown of her head. "I'm sorry, baby."

Alex closed her eyes and leaned back against Olivia. "No, I am. I guess . . . are you sure you still want me here?"

"Of course, honey. I love you."

"But it's been so long and I'm not – I'm not the same Alex you remember. Joshua –" To her horror, she felt salty tears rushing to her eyes. She blinked them back and tried again. "Joshua wrote this essay for school, about heroes. He said I was his hero. But I'm not a hero. I left you, and then I was too arrogant to even give you a chance to explain yourself. I screwed up, Liv."

"Yeah, you did. But you're here now, and that's the important thing. I forgive you, Alex. Please, forgive yourself. You made an honest mistake. I understand. And I think if you left us again, it would destroy all three of us."

"I love you, too, but –" Alex took a deep breath. "I have nightmares sometimes, and I'm jumpy, and sometimes I just want to be by myself. Sometimes I get upset and I don't even know why. I can't focus on one thing for a long time and sometimes I don't want to be touched and sometimes I just want someone to hold me. Sometimes I get scared when I shouldn't be. I never used to get scared, Liv! I used to be so brave."

"That's understandable, honey. You've been through a lot over these past few years. But you're strong, baby. I believe in you. And I'm here for you, no matter what. Through thick and through thin, forever and always. That's what love is, baby, and I love you."

Alex buried her head in her hands. "You have no idea what it's like!"

"You're right, baby. I don't. But I will do whatever you need me to do, whatever it takes to make you feel safe. I will always protect you, sweetie. You're always safe with me."

"You couldn't protect me before."

Olivia flinched. "I know, and I'm sorry. But Velez is dead, and Robert is never going to hurt you ever again, I promise."

"How can you be so sure?"

Olivia thought about it. "I'm going to arrest him for battery and sexual assault."

Alex sighed. "No, Olivia. I'm not pressing charges, and you can't get an indictment without a complaining witness. I'm not parading my personal life in front of my colleagues – again."

Olivia wanted to argue, but she thought the better of it and bit her lip, instead giving Alex a hug and resting her cheek on the crown of her girlfriend's head. "Okay, baby. But tell me, what can I do to help?"

Alex looked at the ground. "Just let me – let me –" Finally she just went with what she really wanted to say. "Love me?"

Olivia took Alex's hands in her own, her deep chocolate eyes full of sadness. "Oh, baby, I do. I've always loved you, ever since I met you and you gave that pretentious little speech about standing on Cragen's shoulders to reach a broader constituency. I've always loved you and I always will."

Alex smiled through the tears welling up in her eyes. "Thanks," she whispered, squeezing Olivia's hand tightly. And for now, it was enough.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	56. Chapter 56

They ate breakfast and curled up on the couch, Alex's vulnerability dissipating nearly as abruptly as it had appeared. "Aren't you working today?" she asked Olivia.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm taking off until Monday."

"That's nice, but you don't have to."

"I want to spend some time with you, Alex. It's okay." She smiled wryly. "But knowing you, I think it's safe to presume that you'll be back to work soon, too."

Alex smiled back, wrapping her arms around Olivia. "Mm, maybe. But who would I be to pass up some time with just you?"

Olivia leaned back against Alex, resting her head on the ADA's shoulder. "It's good to have you back," she said softly, trying to keep her voice level. She would never be able to describe _how _good this felt, or _how _much she'd missed it, or _how _emotional such a simple, physical act made her.

Alex pressed a tender kiss to the crown of Olivia's head. "It's good to be back," she said, matching Olivia's quiet tone. She began to massage the detective's shoulders, then moved down to her back. "Wow," she said, quirking an eyebrow when she felt the tension Olivia carried in her muscles. "You need to relax, Liv. You're coiled up like a bonsai tree!"

Olivia laughed. "Well, I lost my massage therapist for three years. But if you think you're getting me back into that yoga crap, you're out of your mind!"

"Yoga is very good for you," countered Alex. "It stretches your muscles and reduces stress. It's been shown to –"

Olivia groaned, raising a hand to stop her. "Okay, okay. You win."

Alex grinned. "Thank you."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You're such a lawyer."

"Aw." Alex ran an affectionate hand through Olivia's hair. "You wouldn't have me any other way. And on a completely different note, you need to cut your hair."

"Why?"

"First of all, the ends are either dead or in the process of dying, so even if you just trim the ends, you need a haircut. Secondly –" She gave Olivia an impish smile. "Short hair accentuates your beautiful face. And it's _sexy_."

Olivia laughed. "How did I ever take care of myself without you?"

"You didn't."

Olivia considered. "Good point."

"Well, I guess I've got to give you credit where credit is due. You learned to cook – or at least, you learned to make breakfast."

"Mm. Did you learn how to use the stove? I remember when you set it on fire a few years back."

Alex laughed. "That was just _once_, Liv. It was an accident. If I recall correctly, you were _distracting_ me while I was cooking eggs."

"And we were rudely interrupted when the fire alarm went off and the entire building had to be evacuated!"

"Hey, that's not _my _fault."

"Okay, maybe not," conceded Olivia. She offered Alex a playful smile. "How many bugs died in your house while you were in Witness Protection?"

Alex groaned and buried her head in her hands. "Thirty-seven. Don't remind me."

Olivia thought about it. "In three years? That's not so bad." She grinned. "So I take it you got over your phobia."

"I had to. And yes, they ended up in the garbage. But I'm going to take full advantage of your presence when it comes to insects from now on."

"Deal." She smiled as Alex continued to massage her shoulders, shifting to move closer to the ADA. "Mm, that feels good."

Alex laughed. "If you had it your way, I'd be your full-time massage therapist instead of an ADA."

"If only."

Alex flipped on the television with the hand that wasn't rubbing Olivia's shoulders. "I'm guessing you would object if I turned on the History Channel. But they're doing a special on –"

"Yes, I would object," said Olivia quickly. "Go to TV on Demand or something. If you feel like watching the History Channel, you can record it and watch it without me."

Alex smiled and obediently switched on TV on Demand. "So what do you feel like watching?"

"What do _you _feel like watching?" parroted Olivia.

"Oh, I almost forgot how this dance went." Alex grinned. "If don't make a decision in thirty seconds, I'm turning on the History Channel."

"No!" said Olivia quickly. "Anything but that."

Before Olivia could make up her mind, the telephone rang and Olivia snatched it up.

"Benson." She listened for a moment. "What's wrong with him? . . . Oh, okay . . . Are you sure? . . . Yeah, we'll be there in ten . . . Okay . . . Thank you." Olivia hung up and turned to Alex with a sigh. "It's Joshua."

"Is he okay?"

Olivia sighed again. "He says he's got a stomachache. The nurse wants us to come pick him up."

"Okay." Alex flipped off the television. "He was fine this morning."

"He's faking," said Olivia matter-of-factly. "He wants to spend some time with you."

"So why are we going to pick him up?"

"Because the nurse will have our asses if we don't. Anyway, if he wants to pretend to be sick, he can go to bed and we'll give him Tylenol and make him chicken soup."

"I don't know, Liv. When I was a kid, I would have much preferred that treatment to school."

Olivia shrugged. "He's going to be bored out of his mind. Kids have shorter attention spans that we do."

"Kids have shorter attention spans than _I _do. Your attention span is practically nonexistent."

Olivia laughed and grabbed her car keys. "If you say so."

They got in the car and drove to Joshua's school. They met him in the nurse's office, where Joshua was lying down on the couch and looking slightly ill. But when Alex saw the smirk he was trying to hide, she knew Olivia was right.

Joshua stared up at her with wide, innocent eyes and held out his arms. "Allie," he said sweetly. "I don't feel well. Will you carry me to the car?"

Alex really found it difficult to say no to her little boy when he turned on the charm like that, but she shook her head anyway. "You're a big boy, Josh. I think you can walk."

He pouted, but obediently slipped his hand into Alex's and followed her outside as Olivia signed him out. He climbed into the backseat. "Alex, will you sit with me?"

"No, baby," Olivia answered before Alex could say anything. "If you're not feeling well, we don't want Alex to get sick too."

"I'm not _that _sick."

"Then I guess you can go back to school, honey."

"No!" exclaimed Joshua. "I don't feel well, Livvy."

"Okay, Josh. Then I think you should lie down for a bit when we get home."

He nodded, and Olivia started to drive home.

By the time they'd reached their apartment, either Joshua was asleep or he was doing a very good job at pretending to be. Olivia gently shook him awake. "Come on, baby. You can go back to sleep when we get inside."

He took Alex's hand and followed them upstairs. When they reached their apartment, he offered Alex his most winning smile. "Allie, will you cuddle with me?"

"No, sweetie. I'm going to make you some chicken soup," she replied, leading him to his bedroom. "You need to get in your pajamas and sleep for a bit, Josh. You need to keep your strength up."

"I don't want soup," he whined. "I want you to lie down with me."

"If you want to get better, you need to have some soup."

"I don't want to get better! I want to be with you."

"Then you need to go back to school, Josh."

"No! I want you to stay with me."

Alex sighed and perched on the edge of Joshua's bed. "Sweetie, I know you want to spend time with me, but when you're not sick, you belong in school. And if you are sick, you need to stay in bed. So put on your pajamas, please."

Joshua sulked but obediently put on his pajamas and climbed into bed.

Alex kissed his forehead. "I'm going to make you some soup." She walked out into the family room where Olivia was sitting on the couch. "That just broke my heart. I hate it when he's upset, especially when I'm the one upsetting him."

Olivia smiled wryly. "Welcome to parenthood."

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	57. Chapter 57

Two nights later, Alex was tossing and turning in bed, clearly within the throes of a powerful nightmare. "No, no," she whimpered as tears streaked down her cheeks. "I'll do anything . . ."

Olivia tried to wake her, but Alex flinched at her touch and cried harder, and Olivia decided to let her be for a few minutes, though it was tearing her heart out to see her poor Alex like this.

The door opened and Joshua came into the room, his face white as a ghost. He climbed onto the bed beside Olivia. "Why's Alex crying?" he asked through wide, frightened eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, sweetie, she's having a bad dream. It's okay. I'm sorry she woke you."

Joshua gently rubbed Alex's back. "It's okay, Allie," he whispered, resting his head in the crook of Alex's neck. "It's just a dream."

Her eyes snapped open and her tense body immediately relaxed when she realized it was Joshua. "I'm sorry I woke you, Joshy," she whispered, wrapping her arms around her son.

He stroked her hair, a gesture so redolent of Olivia that it made Alex smile. "It's okay, Allie," he repeated. "Sometimes I have nightmares too."

* * *

Alex went back to work on Monday. It felt good to be back with her old friends, arguing with the same old judges (particularly Petrovsky), back in her old office. Olivia was happy because her presence meant that Greylek was gone and Alex was happy because the familiarity of her old job comforted her.

Until Robert found her.

One of the secretaries buzzed her office around lunchtime and told her there was a guy there to see her. She figured he was probably a witness to their current rape case and said to send him in. The next thing she knew, she was face to face with Robert.

Her eyes widened and her heart raced when she saw him standing before her, although he didn't look particularly angry. His expression was unreadable, and she took a deep breath to calm herself before saying in as measured a tone as she could muster, "Get out of my office."

But he didn't move. "Alexandra, will you please tell me what's going on? One minute you're my beautiful, amazing girlfriend, and the next minute you've been demoted to an ADA, you've moved in with a sex crimes detective – a woman, no less – and you've got a kid."

"That's none of your business," she said as calmly as she could. "Now I want you out of my office."

He grabbed her wrist. "We're not finished."

Alex pulled out of his grasp. "Yes, we are. And if you don't leave me alone right now, I'll call security."

"Tell me one thing, then. Did I spend six months sleeping with a _dyke_?"

Alex crossed her arms over her chest. "You have ten seconds."

His jaw dropped. "You _are_, aren't you?"

She pressed the button on her intercom, ready to call security, but Robert got to her first. She hadn't seen him coming, and he grabbed her shoulders, shaking her hard. Her head snapped back and she tried to push him away, but his grip was too tight and she made little progress. "Let go of me!" she ordered, struggling to keep her voice strong.

He slapped her, hard, across the face. She grabbed his wrist and tried again to extricate herself from his grasp, but he was too strong. He hit her again, then wrapped his hands around her throat, squeezing and cutting off her air supply.

Alex fought against his hold, desperately trying to pry his hands away from her neck, but to no avail. "Please!" she managed to choke out. "Please – let – go!"

He smacked her one more time, then shoved her away from him, sending her flying across the room. She sank to the ground against the wall, taking advantage of the unhindered supply of fresh air to her lungs. He opened the door and glared at her. "I'll be back," he snarled before stalking away, slamming the door behind him.

Alex took a deep breath to compose herself, trying not to cry. She was never going to be okay ever again. Robert was never going to leave her alone.

She got up and went to the washroom, intending to clean herself up before Olivia arrived. They were going out for lunch and Olivia was going to come pick her up in ten minutes. She needed to calm herself down before Olivia showed up.

She winced when she glimpsed her battered face in the mirror. Her cheek was starting to swell where he'd slapped her and the deep red handprint stood bright against her alabaster skin. Two dark bruises had formed on her neck, and she grimaced, trying to figure out what to do so Olivia wouldn't notice. She located one of her scarves and wrapped it around her neck, even though it clashed horribly with her business suit. She applied some foundation to her burning cheek and took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm herself while she waited for Olivia. She didn't want Olivia to think anything was wrong.

She shouldn't have even bothered. The second Olivia walked in the door, she knew, as she always did. She ran to Alex and folded her into a warm embrace. "Baby, what _happened_? Who hurt you?"

"Nobody," Alex tried to say, but Olivia wasn't buying it, and Alex hadn't really expected her to.

"No, baby. Don't do that. Someone hurt you and I need you to tell me who it was."

Alex shook her head. She wanted to push Olivia away, but she didn't have the heart to do so. Besides, she didn't really mind the comfort Olivia was offering right now. "Olivia, I'm fine."

"Alex, you're not fine. Who did this to you?"

Alex looked at the ground. "Robert," she murmured.

Olivia's eyes were deep pools of sadness. "Oh, sweetheart." She pulled Alex closer to her. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. What can I do to help?"

Alex sighed. How did Olivia always know just the right thing to say? "He said he'd be back," she said softly, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder and closing her eyes.

"I can help you get a restraining order if you think it would help. I can arrest him for assault, baby. I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore."

"I don't want you to arrest him. I'm not going to put either of us through a trial. We probably wouldn't even be able to get an indictment, Liv. And you said you wouldn't let him hurt me before, either."

Tears rushed to Olivia's eyes and she took Alex's hands in her own. "I know, baby. You're right. I'm sorry."

Alex sighed again. "No, I – I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't your fault. Just leave it alone, Olivia. Please. I don't want to make any more headlines."

Olivia didn't say anything else. She just sat down and pulled Alex onto her lap, gently rubbing her back and holding her close.

Alex's body slowly calmed in Olivia's embrace. She rested her head on the detective's shoulder and tried not to think of Robert and what he might do to her tomorrow. She knew she couldn't talk to Olivia about her concerns, because Olivia would insist on staying by her side until the situation was resolved. Olivia wouldn't leave her alone for a second, much less than allow her to return to work. She would arrest Robert even if Alex didn't want it and do whatever it took to put him behind bars, no matter what the cost. And Alex didn't want that. She wouldn't be able to be an effective ADA if her personal life spiraled out of control, especially in the public eye.

**Review for chapter sixty!**


	58. Chapter 58

Olivia insisted on taking Alex home and spending the rest of the afternoon with her. She gave Alex some ice to put on her face and flipped on a movie, lying down on the couch and opening her legs so Alex could sit between them. Alex rested her head on Olivia's stomach and closed her eyes as the detective gently stroked her hair.

When it was time to pick up Joshua from school, Olivia pressed a tender kiss Alex's forehead. "You stay here, baby," she said. "Lie down for a bit. I'm going to pick up Josh."

Alex started to argue, but the look on Olivia's face told her she shouldn't, that she should let Olivia take care of her just this once, because Olivia needed it just as much as she did. She nodded and leaned in for a kiss, then lay back down on the couch as Olivia left.

Olivia felt horrible when she picked up Joshua and saw the look of absolute horror in his eyes. "Where's Alex?" he asked frantically. "Did something happen to her? Is she –?"

"No, honey. She's fine," Olivia assured him. "She's at home, lying down. She wasn't feeling well."

Joshua still looked uneasy. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, baby. Let's go."

* * *

Alex was curled up on the couch when they got home. Her hair was splayed over her face, her hands clasped and tucked under her chin, making her look so beautiful, so _innocent _that Olivia wanted to cry, or murder the monster who had reduced her to this. Or both.

Joshua's eyes widened when he saw Alex and he climbed up onto the couch beside her, tenderly brushing her hair back from her face. "Allie?" he asked uncertainly.

Alex's eyes flew open, but she relaxed when she realized it was just Joshua. "I'm okay, Joshy," she said quickly.

He gently traced the outline of her swelling cheek, then kissed it. "What happened to you?"

Alex sighed and wrapped her arms around her son. "It was an accident, sweetie. Don't worry about it."

Joshua snuggled closer to Alex, fitting himself neatly into her embrace. "When you're scared of something, sometimes it helps to talk about it."

She loved how perceptive her son was, but that made it nearly impossible to pull a fast one. Just like with Olivia. "Thanks, Josh, but I'm okay."

"You helped me when someone was hurting me," he pointed out.

Alex sighed, wincing at the memory, and her eyes widening when she realized how much she was acting like Joshua had when he first came here. And he could tell. She wished she could keep him innocent of the ways of the world forever, but she knew it was impossible. "No one's hurting me, baby. It's okay." She hoped he would believe her, or at least drop the subject, because she really didn't think this was an appropriate conversation to be having with her ten-year-old. Not now, anyway. He didn't need to know that she'd lived with someone who wasn't Olivia instead of coming back to them. He didn't need to know that that man had beaten her and she had just rolled over like a dog and taken it, like the coward she was instead of the hero her son imagined her to be.

Joshua kissed Alex's cheek. "I love you, Allie," he said sweetly.

"I love you, too, Joshy."

He wrapped his arms around her stomach. "Never leave us again!"

It broke her heart. "I won't, baby," she promised. "Never."

* * *

They were both asleep, curled against each other like pieces of a child's puzzle when Olivia came back into the family room. She sighed, unable to help the pang of jealousy that hit her at the sight of the two of them, holding each other. She knew she should be happy for them and that her jealousy was completely illogical and uncalled for, but she felt almost left out.

She sat down on the couch beside Alex and started to play with her hair, lightly enough that she wouldn't wake the blonde. "I love you, princess," she whispered, pressing a tender kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "You're so brave. But baby, you don't have to always be so strong. I'm going to take care of you from now on, I promise."

She knew if Alex was awake, she'd tell her that she didn't need to be taken care of, but Olivia needed to say the words anyway. She slid in between Alex and the couch, gently pulling the blonde toward her and wrapping her arms around both Alex and Joshua, holding both of them close.

For years, she'd wanted this, and now they were a family again.

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	59. Chapter 59

**Okay, so I changed the whole thing about the **_**Fearlessness **_**necklace Olivia wears. Yes, I am obsessed with it and I never take mine off, so of course Alex needs one too! I know in canon she doesn't have one. Bear with me, please.**

Olivia brought home a gift for Alex the next day. The ADA was putting Joshua to bed because Olivia had had to work late, and she went to the bedroom to wait for Alex.

Alex did a double take when she came in and saw Olivia. "When did _you _get here?"

Olivia pretended to be hurt. "Hello to you too."

Alex laughed. "Sorry. You just startled me." She sat down on the bed beside Olivia and wrapped her arms around the detective, planting a chaste kiss on her lips.

"I got a present for you," said Olivia, a bit shyly.

Alex smiled and tenderly caressed her cheek. "That's sweet of you, but you didn't have to get me anything."

"I know. I wanted to." She took out a small velvet box and handed it to Alex. When she saw Alex's eyes widen, she said quickly, "It's not what you think. Just open it."

Alex opened the box to find a gold pendant with the _Fearlessness _engraved on it. "It's beautiful," she said softly, stroking the pendant.

Olivia smiled at her and took off her sweater, revealing a necklace of her own. "See, we match."

Alex smiled back. "Thank you, Olivia."

"Can I put it on you?"

Alex nodded and obediently held up her hair so Olivia could fasten the clasp. She absently fingered the pendant around her neck. "Is this an early birthday present?"

Olivia laughed. "That's Alex-speak for 'Did you spend this week's salary on it?' The answer is yes, and you can consider it an early birthday gift."

Alex smiled ruefully. "You spoil me."

Olivia grinned. "I like to, but I can take it back . . ."

"No! It's really nice. Thank you, Liv."

Olivia caressed Alex's cheek. "You're welcome, baby."

Alex lay down on the bed, resting her head on Olivia's lap. Olivia adjusted her so they would be more comfortable and gently stroked Alex's hair.

"Did he miss me?" she whispered in Alex's ear.

"Would you be insulted if I said no?" Alex whispered back.

"Why are we whispering?"

"I don't know."

They both laughed.

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head and lifted her off her lap. "Get off me so I can get under the covers!"

Alex rolled over and grinned at Olivia before crawling up beside her and wrapping her arms around the detective and yawning. "Will you get the light? I'm going to sleep."

Olivia obediently flipped off the light and leaned back against Alex. "Yes, boss."

Alex ran her fingers through Olivia's hair and made a face. "I'm making you an appointment for a haircut tomorrow."

Olivia laughed. "Okay, baby. At lunchtime. I have to work late."

"You just take it for granted that I'll do these things for you, don't you?"

"Well, you _do_."

"You, my dear, are quite exploitive when it suits you."

"That's definitely the pot calling the kettle black, princess. You're really one to talk."

Alex grinned. "Says the girl wearing the gold necklace that cost her girlfriend a week's salary, possibly more."

Olivia closed her eyes. "Okay, drop it already."

Alex kissed her shoulder blade. "Go to sleep."

Olivia snuggled closer to Alex and yawned. "'Night."

Alex's eyes were fluttering closed when she heard a shriek coming from the other room and they snapped back open. "Liv," she whispered to her girlfriend, who was lightly snoring in her arms. "Liv, it's Joshua. I'm going to see what's wrong."

"Mm," murmured Olivia, rubbing her eyes. "Uh huh."

Alex gently extricated Olivia from her arms and got up, padding toward Joshua's bedroom. He was curled up in a ball on the bed and crying, trembling from what Alex presumed were the aftershocks of a nightmare.

She climbed onto the bed beside him and took her son into her arms. He curled into her, his small body convulsing in her embrace. "A-A-Alex," he whimpered, wrapping his arms around her neck, wetting Alex's shirt with his tears.

She rocked him back and forth, rubbing comforting circles into his back. "It's okay, Joshy," she whispered, kissing his forehead. "It was just a dream. I'm here." She waited until his sobs had mostly quieted before asking, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't – I don't want – I don't want anyone to hurt you, Allie!" he wailed, holding tightly to her.

Her heart constricted. Joshua had had a nightmare about someone hurting _her_. She knew just how frightening those were, but they would be even scarier to a child. Maybe coming back here was a mistake. "Sweetie, no one's hurting me," she told him as firmly as she could, trying not to let her voice break. "It's okay."

He hesitated. "What do you have nightmares about?"

She couldn't tell him the whole truth, so she said the next best thing. "I have nightmares about being without you and Olivia. I really missed both of you while I was away, Josh. I'm never going to let that happen again."

He nodded, seeming to accept this. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

Alex continued to rub his back. "It's okay, sweetie. It was just a dream. And you never have to worry about anyone hurting me, Josh."

"I know." He smiled a bit. "Livvy will take care of you, like she takes care of me."

Alex laughed. "I'll take care of you, too, Josh. I will never let anyone hurt you."

"I know. I remember what you did when I was really little. And that's your job, too. You put away the bad guys."

"That's right," agreed Alex. She met his eyes. "Are you ready to go back to sleep?"

He nodded. "Will you stay with me for a bit?"

Alex hesitated, then nodded. "Just until you fall asleep, okay?"

"Yeah." He climbed back under the covers and Alex lay down beside him. He rested his head on her shoulder and was asleep within minutes.

Alex waited until she was sure that he was sleeping before gingerly climbing off the bed and going back to her own room. She slipped under her own covers and kissed the base of Olivia's neck. The detective didn't stir.

Alex lifted Olivia's arms and wrapped them around her body, creating a cocoon for herself in Olivia's warm embrace. She leaned back against Olivia and closed her eyes, promising herself that there would be no nightmares tonight. Not for her. She couldn't do that to Joshua.

**Review for chapter sixty!**


	60. Chapter 60

Alex awoke to find Olivia gently stroking her hair. The detective gave her a smile. "'Morning, princess. Did I wake you?"

Alex yawned and shook her head. "What time is it?"

"Ten after seven."

Alex groaned and rested her head on the pillow again. "It's too early to get up."

"Mm." Olivia planted a chaste kiss on Alex's lips. "Would banana pancakes entice you out of this nice warm bed?"

Alex quirked a mischievous eyebrow. "It depends on what else you have to offer."

Olivia smiled sweetly and gave Alex another, slightly less chaste, kiss. "Is that sufficient?"

Alex shook her head, playing hard to get. "Nice try, but no dice."

Olivia leaned in for one more kiss, crashing their lips together in a sea of passion. Alex smiled and deepened the kiss, relaxing as she relinquished herself to Olivia. Finally, the detective pulled away. "Better?"

Alex grinned. "Yes, dear."

"Then get out of bed!"

Alex smirked and shook her head.

Olivia lifted Alex into her arms as if she weighed no more than a child and started to carry her into the family room. Alex laughed and pounded lightly on Olivia's back before wrapping her arms around Olivia's neck and allowing herself to just enjoy being so close to her girlfriend.

Olivia set her down on the couch and kissed her again. "Don't move. Pancakes will be ready in fifteen."

"Where's Joshua?"

"Sleeping. Oh, he's going to be late for school."

"I should probably wake him."

"You probably should," agreed Olivia.

"But I'm not allowed to move."

Olivia laughed. "Okay, go wake Joshua."

"Thank you, Liv," said Alex sweetly, climbing off the couch and padding toward Joshua's bedroom.

Her son was lying on his side, lightly sucking his thumb even though he'd broken the habit years ago. Alex smiled and gently shook him awake. "Wha-?" said Joshua groggily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Good morning, Joshua." Alex kissed his forehead. "It's time to get up."

He rolled onto his back. "Lemme sleep," he murmured.

Alex laughed. "Sorry, Josh, but you're going to be late for school. Olivia's making pancakes."

That got his attention. "Chocolate chip?"

Alex nodded. "We are both so bribable," she joked as Joshua hopped out of bed.

He gave her a smile. "I need to get dressed."

"And that would be my cue to leave." Alex smiled back. "The pancakes will be ready in ten minutes."

She went back into the family room and lay down on the couch, waiting for breakfast to be served. She was really getting used to being treated like a princess again – _Olivia's _princess. When she was in Witness Protection, no one had ever cooked breakfast for her, and when she was with Robert, she'd made breakfast for both of them.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me!" called Olivia, ducking her head into the family room. "I don't want to have to go through all the trouble of waking you again."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Yes, boss."

Joshua came into the room a few minutes later and climbed onto Alex's lap. "Alex," he complained, stifling a yawn. "I'm tired."

"I know, sweetie, but you've got school."

He groaned and snuggled close to her. "Can't I come to work with you instead?"

"No, Josh. You have a science test, remember?"

He smiled sheepishly. "I was hoping _you_ didn't."

"You studied, Josh. You'll do fine."

"But I _hate _science."

"I have an idea. You have science before lunch, right?"

He nodded. "Uh-huh."

"How about I take you out for lunch today, just the two of us?"

His face lit up. "Awesome!"

Olivia came back into the family room. "Breakfast time!"

Joshua wrapped his arms around Alex's neck. "Carry me?"

"Not right now, Josh. You're heavy!"

"I'm not _that _heavy," he whined.

"Yes, you are." She took his hand. "Come on. Let's go get those delicious pancakes Olivia made for us."

* * *

Olivia wasn't keen on Alex returning to work that day. She wanted to play the protective girlfriend and not take her eye off her Alex, but Alex put her foot down. "Olivia," she said calmly, enunciating every syllable. "I can take care of myself. I appreciate the offer, but I want to go back to work."

"Then let me come with you," begged Olivia.

"No, Olivia! I don't need you by my side all day today." She sighed. "Please, Liv, let me do my job."

"Alex, it's just that – I don't want to lose you again. I love you, princess. More than anything and I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you and I wasn't there."

"I know that you love me, and you worry about me, but nothing's going to happen, sweetie." Alex knew Olivia's concerns were perfectly valid, and she softened. "I'll be okay."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "I know you can take care of yourself. I just – I worry – I can't help it. I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to imply –"

Alex silenced Olivia with a gentle kiss. "Shh, love. It's okay. I'll call you if I need anything, all right?"

Olivia nodded. "Okay. But Alex – be careful."

"I will," promised Alex. She gave Olivia another kiss. "Are you ready to go?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "Yeah."

But she kept a protective arm around Alex as they took the elevator to the garage. Alex was too relieved that Olivia was letting her go back to work to complain. Not that Olivia could have stopped her anyway – even on her worst days, Alex Cabot was not a force to be reckoned with. And she wanted to have _some _semblance of independence. She didn't need Olivia taking care of her like this, although she had to admit that she didn't quite mind it. She knew Olivia loved her, and that was the cause for her concern. It felt so good to know she was loved.

Olivia took Alex's hand and held it tightly as she drove to the DA's office, just as much for her own comfort as for Alex's. She brought Alex's fingers to her lips and kissed them lightly, then smiled at Alex.

Alex smiled back briefly before saying, "Concentrate on the road, Liv. I don't want to get into an accident today," when they nearly collided with a taxi. The driver flipped them off and Olivia stuck her tongue out at him. Alex laughed. "How mature," she said dryly.

Olivia shrugged and leaned over to kiss Alex's cheek.

"Liv!" cried Alex as the car swerved dangerously. "Pull over. I'm driving."

Olivia pouted. "_Alex_."

"Then pay attention to the road, not to me, although I grant you that I'm much more amusing. New York is notorious for its bad drivers, remember?"

"Of course, but I'm not one of them."

Olivia insisted on walking Alex into her office when they got to the DA's office. She kept her hands on Alex's shoulders as she led the blonde inside. She sat down in Alex's desk chair and pulled the ADA onto her lap, gently stroking her sides.

"You promise you'll call me if you need anything? Anything at all?"

"I promise," said Alex quickly. Although she appreciated Olivia's concern, she really wanted Olivia to let her be. She could do this. She would do this. She _had _to do this.

"Are you sure, baby?"

Alex nodded. "Go, Liv! I'll be fine."

"I know you will, baby." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. She sighed and got up, causing Alex to do the same. "I'll come get you at lunch, okay?"

Alex shook her head. "I'm taking Joshua out."

"Can I come with?"

"He wanted to go just the two of us. I'm okay, Liv. Don't worry about me." She caressed Olivia's cheek and leaned in for a kiss. "I'll meet you home at five."

Olivia nodded and gave Alex another kiss. "Love you, baby."

Alex smiled. "I love you, too."

With one last backward glance, Olivia reluctantly left.

Alex sat down at her desk and got to work on some paperwork. Focusing on her work had always helped her take her mind off her worries – or rather, Olivia's worries for her. It was a release, and it helped.

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	61. Chapter 61

Olivia worried about Alex all day, and she couldn't even begin to express her relief when she came home to find Alex and Joshua playing checkers, looking completely content. Alex smiled up at Olivia. "Hey, Liv. Are you going to play on my team? I'm losing against our little checkers master."

Joshua giggled. "Hey, no fair!"

Olivia went to Joshua and kissed his forehead before wrapping her arms around Alex and burying her face in the ADA's neck. She kissed Alex's shoulder blade and sat down behind her, wrapping her legs around Alex's so the blonde was leaning against her. "You doing okay?" she whispered in Alex's ear.

Alex nodded and smiled at Olivia. "I'm fine, love."

Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "You can double jump him," she murmured.

Alex grinned. "Thanks, Liv."

She took two of Joshua's pieces, to which he pouted and cried, "That's cheating, Alex! She can't help you."

"Well, I need a bit of help, or else you'll beat me!"

"So?"

"So it's no fun to play when you always win."

Olivia kissed the base of her neck. "I know you're competitive, hon, but it's just a game," she whispered.

"It's not _just _a game!"

Olivia laughed. "Okay, I'll be quiet."

"Good," said Joshua, still glaring at Olivia as he moved one of his pieces to the end of the board. "King me."

* * *

They ordered pizza for dinner because neither Alex nor Olivia felt like cooking. They curled up on the couch after they ate, watching _Night at the Museum_, which was Joshua's favorite movie. Olivia had an arm wrapped around Alex and Joshua was resting his head in her lap. Olivia was absently rubbing his back and Alex was leaning against her shoulder. Sandwiched between the two people she loved more than anyone else in the world, she felt happier than she'd felt in as long as she could remember.

Joshua was half-asleep when the movie was over, and Olivia gently shook his shoulders. "Bedtime, Josh."

He yawned, taking her hand and letting Olivia lead him to his bedroom and tuck him into bed. She kissed his forehead.

"'Night, honey."

"'Night, Livvy," he murmured, rolling onto his side and closing his eyes. "Love you."

"Love you, too," she told him, tucking his teddy bear under his arm and closing the door behind her as she left the room.

She went back into the family room where Alex was sound asleep on the couch, her hands curled beneath her head, her knees pulled to her chest. Olivia didn't have the heart to wake her, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep without her Alex in her arms. Olivia lifted Alex up and wrapped the blonde's arms around her neck so she would be easier to carry, biting her lip at the extra weight. She shifted Alex in her arms so as not to disturb the fading marks Robert had inflicted upon her delicate body, and the ADA automatically curled toward her.

Olivia carried her to the bedroom and pressed a tender kiss to Alex's forehead as she gently set her on the bed, tucking her under the covers. Alex didn't stir.

She lay down beside Alex and wondered how she'd managed to go so long without this. She could never lose Alex again. She would never again be able to sleep without her Alex in her bed. She would never be able to wake up in the morning without her Alex by her side. She would never be able to work with any other ADA. She would never be able to _survive _without her Alex.

"I love you, princess," she whispered, lightly tracing the deep indentations on Alex's arms; fading brown fingerprints on her alabaster skin. They made her so sad – no, they made her so _angry_. Alex never deserved for anyone to hurt her, and yet, she'd suffered so much. "No one's going to hurt you ever again."

She pulled Alex close and rested the ADA's head on her shoulder, gently stroking Alex's hair. Her warm, even breaths tickled Olivia's neck and Olivia could feel Alex's heart beating against her own. They fit so perfectly together.

"No nightmares tonight, baby," said Olivia softly, although she knew Alex couldn't hear her. "I'm here for you. You don't have to be afraid." She rocked Alex gently in her arms and kissed the base of her neck. "I love you so, so much."

She wouldn't sleep herself, lest Alex wake up with a bad dream, a fear real or imagined. She wanted to be sure Alex knew she was safe, no matter what. She held the ADA in her arms and stayed up, watching over her, taking care of her Alex as best she could.

And miracle of miracles, Alex slept straight through the night.

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	62. Chapter 62

**This one is just because I love Vigilante!Liv. A bit OOC, but I hope you don't mind.**

Alex woke up to find herself wrapped in Olivia's embrace. She couldn't remember getting into bed with Olivia and smiled to herself when she remembered falling asleep on the couch. Olivia must have carried her to bed. She caressed the sleeping detective's cheek. Olivia really loved her. And she loved Olivia.

Alex snuggled closer to her and kissed her neck. "It's 8:00, love," she whispered against Olivia's cheek. "Time to wake up."

Olivia stirred and instinctively tightened her grip on Alex. "What's wrong?"

Alex planted a chaste kiss on her lips. "Nothing's wrong, but something will be if you don't get up right now! Joshua's going to be late for school, and we're going to be late for work."

"Mm." Olivia pulled Alex closer to her. "I'd much rather stay in bed."

"Me, too," admitted Alex. "Okay, five more minutes."

But before those five minutes were up, Joshua bounded into their room and jumped on the bed, snuggling between his mothers. "Alex, Liv, I'm going to be late! We have math this morning. I don't want to miss it!"

Olivia yawned. "Okay, Josh. I'm getting up. Just give me a second." She buried her head in Alex's shoulder.

Alex rolled off the bed and pulled the covers off Olivia. When Olivia groaned and glared at her, Alex leaned down to press a kiss to Olivia's temple and whispered, "I'm getting in the shower in two and a half minutes. You'd better get up if you want to have one with me."

Olivia pulled a pillow over her head. "You don't play fair," she grumbled.

Alex grinned. "I know."

* * *

Alex picked up Joshua from school the next day. She'd got off work early, but Olivia wasn't going to be home until six, so it was her job to help Joshua with his homework and start dinner. She knew Olivia was going to be exhausted when she arrived.

Alex settled Joshua at the kitchen table with his science textbook. "Why don't you get started reading pages 48-52? I'll be there in a minute."

She changed out of her business suit and into jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. She came back into the kitchen and sat down beside her son. "Give me a minute," he said. "I'm still reading."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, then the doorbell rang.

"Now who could that be?" Alex wondered aloud.

"Maybe Mrs. Andre. She could have forgotten her key again," suggested Joshua. "Go answer it!"

Alex nodded and went to the door. She undid the lock and opened it.

Standing in the doorway was Robert, looking downright menacing. Alex tried to calm her racing heart and called to Joshua, "Joshua, go to your room, please."

"But I'm –"

"Now, Joshua!"

He scowled but hurried to his room, and Alex turned back to Robert.

"Get out of my house," she ordered.

"You're still mine, Alexandra."

"I don't belong to you, and I want you out of here."

"I don't care what you want." He pushed past her, forcing his way inside and grabbing Alex's wrists. "You are going to sit, and you are going to listen to me."

"Let go of me," she said as calmly as she could. "My son is in the other room. He doesn't have to hear this. If you want to talk to me, we can do this another time, preferably with our lawyers present."

"You have a _kid_," he growled, shaking her hard. "You never told me. Do I look stupid to you, Alexandra? Do you think I would have agreed to marry you if I knew you had a kid?"

Alex bit her lip and didn't say anything as he pulled her to the couch and sat down, gripping her shoulders so tightly that his fingers left deep indentations on her skin.

"You really thought you could get away with this?" He smacked her, hard, and Alex did her best not to cry out. Joshua was in the other room, and she knew he could hear every single word, and she didn't want to scare him.

Alex needed to fight. She needed to get away. She couldn't let him hurt her like this again. But her struggling was futile as she tried to extricate herself from his grasp, and he just tightened his hold on her. "Let go," she said; halfway between a command and a plea, but it didn't help. He just smirked at her.

"You're still _mine_," he barked, "and I will do what I please."

"Get _out_!"

He hit her again, then pulled her to her feet and slammed her against the wall, still holding her wrists so tightly that his hands left marks. Alex saw stars. "Shut up," he snapped, shoving her again.

Alex chewed on her lower lip as tears welled up in her eyes, knowing that Joshua was listening to all of this. "Josh – Joshua," she called, her voice sounding small and faraway. "Call – call Liv. Tell her – to come –" She knew this was pure desperation speaking, because Joshua didn't have a phone in his room and she didn't want him to come out, lest Robert see him and hurt him, but otherwise she knew Robert was going to kill her, here, within earshot of her son.

Robert's eyes blazed fire. He slapped her once, twice, three times, then threw her to the ground. "You are _mine_," he repeated as he tore at her clothes. "_Mine_."

"Let – let go of me," she begged, trying so hard not to cry, trying not to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much she was hurting. She closed her eyes and prayed, prayed that he would take mercy on her, prayed that Olivia would by some miracle arrive home early and save her, prayed that her son was somehow not in the next room listening to every single thing, prayed that he would not rush out to save her, that he understood such an action would be futile at best and dangerous at worst.

He unbuckled his belt and pulled down his own pants, shoving himself into her. She couldn't stop the tears that leaked from her eyes as she struggled against his tight grip. He effortlessly held her wrists above her head and pressed his knee onto her thighs, effectively immobilizing her.

"Please," she whispered, trying futilely to squirm away. "Robert, please – please – let go. Please!"

She squeezed her eyes shut as he continued to thrust inside her. She balled her hands into fists and tried to take herself somewhere else, tried to picture Olivia's arms around her, tried to pretend she was safe and warm in her girlfriend's embrace.

Suddenly, there was a voice that sounded far, far away: "Police, let go of her!" She couldn't tell if the voice was real or just in her head, and a few more tears escaped as she mouthed a silent prayer.

And then there was a gunshot, and it was over.

Someone wrapped her up in a blanket and strong arms cradled her in a warm embrace. She felt a gentle kiss being pressed to her forehead, but still, she didn't dare to open her eyes.

"J-J-Joshua," stammered Alex, trembling so hard she could barely breathe. Her brain was working to process what had just happened, but she couldn't figure it out, and she finally just gave up and abandoned herself to the warm arms holding her close.

"Shh, baby," crooned Olivia, giving Alex another kiss. "He's fine. Elliot's got him."

Alex finally allowed her tears to fall freely. Olivia was here, and she was safe, in Olivia's arms. She had no idea how Olivia had even known, but she didn't care. She curled into the detective, relinquishing herself to Olivia. Her protector. Her love.

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	63. Chapter 63

Alex was too dazed to object as she was carted onto a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance. She clung tightly to Olivia's hand as faraway voices floated in and out of her mind. ". . . dead . . . she's okay . . . _Allie! _. . . trying to hurt her . . . good shoot . . . hearing . . . _Allie! _. . . be back later . . . I called . . . ten minutes . . . _Allie!_"

Alex closed her eyes and leaned against Olivia, trying not to worry. She was okay now. Olivia was here.

"Liv," she murmured. "What – what happened?"

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Joshua called me. He's dead, baby. He's never going to hurt you again."

"What did you – what – what did you do?"

"It was a good shoot, Alex. I identified myself, he wouldn't get off you, I shot him."

"I – I know. Is – is Josh okay?"

"He's fine. Elliot's taking him."

"Liv, he – he –" She began to cry again. "I couldn't stop him! I tried, Liv, but he was too strong. I was so scared –"

"Shh," soothed Olivia, kissing her hair. "Don't worry, princess. You're okay. I've got you." Olivia lightly caressed her cheek and offered Alex a smile. "You were so brave, honey. And you're going to be just fine."

"I don't – I don't want them to – to touch me. I don't –"

"I know you don't, baby, but they have to make sure you're okay."

"No – no rape kit."

"No rape kit," agreed Olivia. "He's dead, baby. We don't need one."

They arrived at the hospital and Alex was wheeled out of the ambulance. She shrieked and reached out to Olivia, trying to take her hand, needing Olivia by her side. "Liv!"

Olivia grasped her hand and squeezed it tightly. "I'm right here, baby. Right here. Just breathe, okay? In and out."

Alex nodded and tried to do as she was told, her heart rate gradually calming. Olivia was here. Robert was dead. She was going to be okay.

She was taken to a hospital room and fell asleep in Olivia's arms.

* * *

She woke up to a shrill voice crying, "Alex!" Her eyes flew open, and there was Joshua, running toward her.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and she winced at the pain when Joshua's hands came into contact with her battered body. "Hey, baby," she said softly, pulling him close.

He curled into Alex and began to cry. "I'm sorry, Allie. I tried – I called Livvy like you said."

Alex rubbed his back. "It's okay, sweetie. It's not your fault. You were a very brave boy, Josh. You called Olivia for me, and you saved my life. You're a hero."

Joshua sniffled and kissed Alex's cheek. "Alex, why was that man hurting you?"

"Because he was a very bad man, Josh, but he's dead now. He's never going to hurt anyone ever again."

Olivia kissed the base of Alex's neck. "You need to get some rest, princess. The doctor checked you out while you were asleep, and you're going to be okay, but you need to rest."

Alex nodded and buried her head in Olivia's chest.

"Josh, Elliot's going to take you back to his place," said Olivia. "I'm going to stay here with Alex tonight, but tomorrow, we're going to bring you home. I'll call you before bed, okay?"

He nodded and gave Alex another kiss. "I love you, Alex."

"I love you, too, Joshy."

He climbed off the bed and slipped his hand into Elliot's. "Take good care of her, Liv," said Elliot quietly before leading Joshua out of the room.

Olivia kissed Alex's hair. "I will," she said, even though Elliot couldn't hear her.

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia, wincing at the pain in her right arm as she did. "We can go home tomorrow?"

Olivia nodded, gently rubbing Alex's back. "The doctor wants to keep you here overnight, but you're okay. The bruises will heal. They look – and probably feel – worse than they are."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Will you stay with me?" She hated sounding so needy, but she didn't know what she'd do without Olivia by her side.

"Of course, baby." She pressed a tender kiss to Alex's forehead. "I'm not going anywhere." She held Alex close. "Baby, I'm so, so sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have –"

"It's not your fault." Alex silenced Olivia with a kiss. "You came when you found out, and you're here now. That's all that matters. You couldn't have done anything differently."

"I love you so, so much," whispered Olivia, and Alex felt a teardrop land on her hair. Olivia rubbed her back and lay her head down next to Alex's. "You're my princess, Alex. You deserve to be treated like one." A few more tears escaped from her eyes. "I failed you again."

"No, Liv, you didn't. You _didn't_. It's not your fault." She kissed away Olivia's tears and locked her eyes onto the detective's as she repeated, "It's _not _your fault."

Olivia offered her a watery smile, unable to stop her tears as she pulled Alex closer to her. "Oh, baby," was all she could say. She gave Alex a squeeze. "He's never going to hurt you again."

"I know, Liv. And nothing's going to stand between us anymore. It's you and me, forever," she promised. She kissed Olivia's neck. "Don't worry."

"Alex, you're here in the hospital after being violently raped, you're covered in bruises, and you're telling me not to _worry_?"

"I'm fine, Liv. You came. You protected me. You killed him."

"Baby, he hurt you. He _raped _you." She swiped at her tears. "You're being so brave."

Alex hugged her. "They gave me some painkillers. It's not so bad, Liv." She hesitated. "I'm just worried about Josh. How much of that did he hear?"

"Most of it," said Olivia quietly. "But it's you I'm worried about, baby."

"Don't be, Liv." She brushed Olivia's hair back from her forehead. "I'm okay."

Olivia sniffled. "Are you sure?"

Alex nodded and offered Olivia a smile. "Of course. You're here."

**Review for the next chapter!**


	64. Chapter 64

**I sent Mariska a letter in August and asked for an autograph and I finally got something back - a pre-print. I'm trying not to take it personally. Hello! If I wanted a pre-print (which I don't) I would have printed one off the Internet. *disappointment* But I still have hope for the letter I sent to Stephanie . . . Anyway, story. Right.**

Olivia started awake in the middle of the night to find Alex thrashing in her arms and mumbling. "Please don't – let me go – please, please, please!" It was tearing her heart out to see Alex like this, and the guilt was eating her up. She could have stopped this.

She took Alex's wrists so she wouldn't injure herself with her thrashing. "It's okay, baby," she whispered, pressing a tender kiss to Alex's forehead. "It's okay. You're safe, honey. I've got you. It's just a dream." She gently stroked Alex's hair. "It's okay, princess. I'm here."

Alex stirred and instinctively cringed, then relaxed when she realized it was just Olivia. "Hi," she said in a small voice.

Olivia brushed her damp hair back from her forehead. "Hi, baby. Are you okay?"

Alex nodded, burrowing closer to Olivia. "It was just a dream," she said, just as much to reassure herself as Olivia.

"It was," agreed Olivia, giving Alex a squeeze. "Do you need some more painkillers or are you okay? I can get a nurse –"

Alex shook her head. "I'm fine." She wrapped her arms around Olivia and yawned. "I'm going back to sleep."

Olivia gave her a smile and kissed her hair. "Okay. I'll be right here when you wake up."

Alex smiled back. "I know."

* * *

Elliot dropped by with Joshua before lunch. "Are the two of you ready to go?" he asked.

Olivia glanced at Alex. "Are you?"

"Yes, please! I hate hospitals."

Alex got into the backseat with Joshua, who held tightly to her hand as Elliot drove them home. He rested his head in her lap and she gently rubbed his back with the hand that wasn't holding his. "Alex," he whispered. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, honey. I'm fine," she assured him.

He nodded, snuggling closer to Alex. "Dickie and I had a sleepover, and I beat Lizzie at checkers! And we made s'mores before bed."

Alex glanced at Elliot through the rearview mirror. "I'll bet you had quite a time getting him to bed."

"Elliot let me stay up late!"

"How late is late?"

Joshua smiled sweetly. "Midnight."

Alex laughed. "You're not staying there again anytime soon!"

"Aw, why?"

"Because your bedtime is 9:00, _not _midnight."

"Well, hey, I didn't know that," said Elliot.

"Well, what do _you _think is a reasonable bedtime for a nine-year-old?"

"Hey, I'm doing you a favor, so cut it out."

Alex kissed Joshua's forehead. "So you had a good time last night?"

Joshua nodded. "Can I sleep over again next weekend?"

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances. "_No_," they said at the same time, then started to laugh.

Elliot pulled up in front of their apartment. "I'll see you on Monday," he said. "And you better not even _think _about coming back any earlier, Liv. Cragen says you've got off until Monday."

"Okay, okay! I get it." Olivia laughed. "Thanks for the ride, El. I'll see you Monday."

Joshua clung to Alex's hand and Olivia wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders as they started up the stairs.

Alex stopped outside their apartment door, suddenly reluctant. "Did CSU finish?"

"Of course. It's all taken care of, baby," Olivia assured her, gently rubbing Alex's back. "Are you ready to go in?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded.

Olivia still looked uncertain. "We could stay in a hotel tonight if it would make you feel better. A nice one. We could –"

"No, I'm okay," said Alex quickly. She needed to do this. She needed to be strong. She needed to get her life back on track. Besides, there was nothing to be afraid of. Robert was dead. No one was ever going to hurt her again. Olivia wouldn't let them.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Okay," she said quietly, unlocking the door and leading Alex inside.

Alex took another deep breath when she got into the apartment. Joshua immediately bounded in the direction of his bedroom, but Olivia put her hands on Alex's shoulders and kissed the base of her neck when she saw her hesitance.

"Do you want to –?"

"No." Alex walked deliberately toward the family room, where yesterday's events had taken place. She glanced at the carpet and was pleased with the neatness of the room. There wasn't even a trace of blood on the floor. Either CSU had made an extra effort to clean up for her or it had been a ridiculously clean shoot. Then something occurred to her. "Liv, I know it was a good shoot, but is IAB giving you trouble?"

Olivia shook her head. "Don't worry about it, baby. I'll make them understand. Elliot was there; he saw. And I'm sure that any cop, IAB or not, would have done the exact same thing."

Alex nodded and tried to focus on breathing. She was okay.

Olivia sat down on the couch and pulled Alex onto her lap, gently rubbing her back. "Everything's going to be okay," she promised.

Alex leaned back against Olivia, allowing herself to bask in this comfort for as long as Olivia wanted to give it. Olivia was here, and Olivia would keep her safe.

Alex bit her lip as Olivia continued to rub her back and hit a particularly sensitive spot, where a bruise was starting to form, courtesy of Robert. But she didn't want Olivia to get upset, so she didn't say anything.

When Olivia aggravated the bruise again, though, she couldn't help but suck in her breath. Olivia pulled her hands away as if they'd been burned and shifted Alex on her lap so they were looking into each other's eyes. "Did I hurt you, princess?" she asked softly, her eyes deep pools of sadness.

"You didn't," Alex replied, but Olivia read between the lines and kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry." She hesitated, then asked, "Can I see, baby?"

Alex chewed on her lower lip and nodded, allowing Olivia to lift her shirt and press a gentle kiss to the area around the bruise. "Is it bad?" she whispered, hardly daring to voice the question.

Olivia moved onto another bruise and kissed that one as well. "You're beautiful," she said, pure adoration in her voice.

Alex smiled a bit. "That wasn't my question."

"There are a few bruises," admitted Olivia. "But you're going to be okay."

She winced as Olivia kissed a trail up her back. "It hurts," she whimpered.

"I know, baby," said Olivia quietly, rolling her shirt back down and pulling Alex closer to her. She ran a hand through Alex's hair. "You are the most beautiful woman in the entire world."

Alex smiled and rested her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. She loved how Olivia could always make her feel so beautiful, so special, like she was the most important person in Olivia's world.

"I wish he'd hurt me instead of you," Olivia whispered, resting her cheek on the crown of Alex's head. "Because everything that hurts you, hurts me even more."

To her horror, Alex felt tears welling up in her eyes. She knew what Olivia was saying was true, and it made her feel absolutely awful. She had never wanted to hurt Olivia, but she had.

She would _not _cry. She was stronger than that.

Olivia caressed Alex's left cheek, the one that wasn't hurt. "Let it out, baby," she murmured. "I know you're hurting, and you don't always have to be so strong."

Alex curled into Olivia and buried her face in her neck. "I never wanted to hurt you," she whispered.

"Oh, baby." Olivia's heart constricted and she tenderly stroked Alex's hair. "You didn't. _He _did. But he's never going to hurt either of us ever again."

"But I – Joshua – he heard the whole thing!" She let out a strangled sob. "I keep hurting people, but I'm trying so hard!"

"I know, princess. I know you are." She raised Alex's chin so her girlfriend was looking right into her eyes. "Baby, there was nothing you could have done. It wasn't your fault. You did everything you were supposed to do, and now he's gone, and he's never going to hurt you again."

As Olivia gently rubbed her shoulders, massaging away their strain, Alex tried to relax in Olivia's arms. And finally, she allowed herself to cry.

**Review for chapter sixty-five!**


	65. Chapter 65

Olivia held Alex as she cried in her arms, assuring her every few moments that it was all right, urging her to just let go, to transfer her pain to Olivia, stroking her hair and telling her how proud she was of her. She rocked Alex back and forth in her arms, holding on for dear life as Alex's slight frame shook with the force of her sobs. "It's okay, princess," she murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "I've got you. You're so brave, baby, and I love you so, so much."

Alex's sobs gradually quieted into soft whimpers, and she leaned back against Olivia, physically and emotionally drained. "Thank you," she finally said when she was calm enough to speak. "I needed that."

Olivia smiled, kissing away the remnants of Alex's tears and brushing her damp hair back from her forehead. "I know."

Alex sighed, her body slowly relaxing in Olivia's arms. She snuggled closer to her girlfriend and allowed Olivia to soothe away her residual fear.

"It's okay to cry sometimes, Alex. It's okay to need someone." She stroked Alex's hair. "Doesn't that feel better, baby?"

Alex nodded, taking a deep breath. "I'm okay now, I think."

"Okay," said Olivia quietly, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "But if you ever need anything, or if you want to talk, or even if you just want me to hold you, I'm here. I will always be here."

"I know. You love me." Alex's lips turned up into a smile. "And I love you."

Joshua came out of his room a moment later and climbed onto Alex's lap, wrapping his arms around her neck. "What's wrong, Alex?" he asked, his big blue eyes full of concern.

Alex slid off Olivia's lap and sat down beside her instead. "Nothing, Joshy. I'm okay."

He curled up against her. "No, you're not. You were crying."

"Yesterday was really scary for me, honey," she said, neatly evading the question as she gently rubbed her son's back. "I think it was scary for you, too."

"Yeah," he whispered. He fingered the _Fearlessness _necklace Alex wore around her neck. "What happened, Allie?"

Alex sighed, trying to decide how to explain this to her son without scaring him even more. "When I had to go away, he wanted to be my boyfriend. But I love Olivia, and you, and I didn't want to be with him. He got angry, and he tried to hurt me." She kissed his forehead. "But you were very, very brave, and you did the right thing. You called Olivia and she protected us. And he's never going to hurt anyone ever again." She took a deep breath, hoping she'd said the right thing, hoping that this condensed version of the truth was sufficient, but simple enough for a nine-year-old to understand.

Joshua nodded solemnly and snuggled closer to Alex. "Is that what you do at work, Liv?" he asked Olivia.

Olivia laughed. "Not quite, honey."

"No, I mean – you protect people. You protected me and Alex. You made sure he wouldn't hurt us."

"Kind of like that, but we don't generally kill the bad guys."

"But this time you had to."

"Otherwise he might have hurt Alex more, and you. I couldn't let that happen."

Joshua nodded and smiled. "You're my hero, too," he told Olivia.

Olivia smiled back. "Thanks, honey."

He yawned and rested his head in Alex's lap. "Both of you," he murmured. "I have the best parents in the whole wide world."

Alex glanced at Olivia, who had tears in her eyes as she gently rubbed Joshua's back. She gave Olivia a smile and squeezed her hand.

Within minutes, Joshua was fast asleep. Alex and Olivia exchanged glances. "That's what happens when he goes to sleep at midnight and wakes up at seven," whispered Alex. "And my foot's falling asleep."

"See, I would put him to bed, but he's heavy," said Olivia.

"So am I, but you insist on carrying _me _everywhere."

"Not _everywhere_."

Alex grinned and hefted Joshua into her arms, grimacing under the extra weight. "You're right, he _is _heavy."

Olivia smiled. "He's growing up."

"Mm." Alex bit her lip and carried Joshua to the bedroom, setting him down on the bed and tucking him beneath the covers. She kissed his forehead and laid his old, tattered teddy bear beside him before closing the door and going back to the family room where Olivia was sitting on the couch, amusement in her eyes. "What?"

"Nothing." Olivia patted her lap and Alex obediently sat down. "I think we're spoiling him."

"Probably," agreed Alex. "But he's a good kid." She hesitated, then said quietly, "You did well."

Olivia's eyes were full of sadness and she kissed Alex's hair. "You, too, princess."

"I didn't do anything, Liv, and now that I've come back, all I've brought is trouble. You raised him. You turned him into the wonderful young man he is today. I had nothing to do with it."

Olivia stroked Alex's hair. "He looks up to you, baby. You're his hero." She gave Alex another smile and planted a chaste kiss on her lips. "We never forgot, sweetie. We talked about you every single day. We talked about the day you'd come back to us, and now you have. It's okay." She pulled Alex further onto her lap, wrapping her arms around the ADA's stomach and resting her chin on Alex's shoulder. "I love you, princess."

"I know you do," murmured Alex, leaning against Olivia, but the detective noticed that she didn't return the sentiment. Her stomach clenched when she realized why – Alex thought she didn't deserve Olivia's love. She thought she was nothing but trouble.

"You're the most amazing woman in the whole world," said Olivia quietly. "And I'm so, so glad that you're back. We both missed you, honey."

"I missed you, too," whispered Alex. "And I'm so, so sorry that –"

"Shh, baby." Olivia silenced her with a gentle kiss. "It's okay. You don't need to apologize."

"I just –" Alex swallowed hard. "I love you and Joshua more than anything, and I never wanted to hurt either of you. And that's all I've done since I returned."

"No, princess. That's _not _true. You've brought so much happiness back into our lives. Joshua hasn't smiled like this in forever, and I just can't believe that you're really back. We both love you so, so much and we're both so glad you're home. We're a _family _again. I can't even begin to tell you how happy that makes me. I just want to hold you for the next million years and never let go."

Alex smiled wanly. "You always know just what to say to make me feel better."

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and kissed her softly. "I don't like seeing you upset, baby. I don't like it when you think badly of yourself. You're a good person, Alex. You do good things and you've helped so many people, most of all Joshua and I. We both love you, and I know you love us, too."

"I do, Liv. God, I do! That's why I don't want to make things difficult for you, and that's all I've done."

"No, princess. That's _not _it." She gave Alex another kiss. "I love you, Alex, and nothing's ever going to change that. I will always love you and I will always want you here with me. I don't know what I would do without you."

"You survived well enough for three years."

"Yes, Alex, I survived. I _existed_, but I wasn't _living_. I mean it when I say I can't live without you."

Alex sighed. "I'll stay," she said softly.

"I know you will."

**Review for chapter sixty-six!**


	66. Chapter 66

Olivia held Alex in silence for a while longer, and finally Alex said, "Let go of me, Liv. I'll wake Josh and start dinner."

Olivia shook her head and tightened her grasp on Alex, pulling her closer to her. "I just want to hold you for a bit longer, okay?"

Alex smiled. "As long as it's not for the next million years."

Olivia kissed her hair. "I wish."

"I think we'd get hungry."

"Probably," agreed Olivia, smiling at Alex and threading her fingers through blonde silk. "I'll make you a deal."

"What kind of deal?" asked Alex suspiciously.

Olivia laughed. "I'll take care of dinner if you wake Joshua and make sure he gets his homework done."

"That doesn't sound like such a good deal."

"For whom?"

Alex smiled. "Okay, you win. Now let go of me."

Olivia grinned and kissed the crown of Alex's head. "One more minute."

Alex sighed theatrically. "Liv!" She extricated herself from Olivia's grasp and planted a chaste kiss on her lips. "I," she announced, "am going to wake our son."

Olivia pouted for a moment, then smiled and got up, starting for the kitchen. "Are tacos okay?"

"Sure, but check the dates on the tortillas. I think they went bad last week."

"Yes, ma'am."

Alex knocked on Joshua's bedroom door, and when he didn't answer, she went inside and sat down on the edge of Joshua's bed, gently shaking his shoulders. "Time to wake up," she whispered.

"I don't wanna go to school," he mumbled, still half-asleep.

Alex smiled. "It's 5:30, Josh. You fell asleep in the middle of the day."

He opened his eyes and yawned. "I'm tired."

"Then you can go to bed early tonight, but you've got homework that needs to be done for tomorrow."

He groaned. "It's just math. Lemme sleep."

"No, Josh. I know you're tired, but you need to do your math." She held out her hand. "Come on. I'll help you."

Joshua rubbed his eyes but obediently slipped his hand into Alex's. He went into the family room and pulled his textbook out from his backpack and Alex got him a pencil and a piece of lined paper. Joshua sat down and Alex sat down beside him. He opened his textbook and turned to her. "You don't need to watch me, Alex. I know this stuff better than you do!"

Alex laughed. He was probably right about that. She'd always hated math. "Can I trust you to get it done all by yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," agreed Alex. "You can come find me if you need anything."

"I can go find _Olivia _if I need anything."

Alex smiled. "That's right."

* * *

They had dinner and played a game of Monopoly, which was Joshua's new favorite game. Alex and Olivia put Joshua to bed early and then went to bed themselves.

"I want to hold you," murmured Olivia, pulling Alex close.

Alex laughed, although she wasn't really complaining. "Haven't you done enough of that today?"

"I can never get enough of you."

"Mm. I know you can't, but I don't think that was what you meant."

Olivia smiled. "That too." She threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "You're so beautiful," she whispered in Alex's ear.

Alex smiled, her tense muscles gradually relaxing as she leaned back against Olivia. "Goodnight, love."

"'Night, princess."

* * *

Olivia awoke around three in the morning to find Alex curled up in a ball at the edge of the bed, a sheen of sweat glossing her skin, whimpering as silent tears streaked down her cheeks.

Olivia slid over to Alex and pulled the ADA into her arms, kissing the crown of her head. "Sweetie, it's okay," she murmured, brushing Alex's damp hair back from her forehead. "It's okay, baby. It's just a dream. I'm here."

Alex trembled in her arms, startling awake when she felt Olivia's lips brushing against her forehead. She cringed when she felt Olivia tighten her grasp, but it was only to keep Alex from falling off the bed with the force of the tremors racking her body. "I'm sorry," she mumbled into the crook of Olivia's neck as the detective stroked her hair in a tender, soothing rhythm.

"Shh, it's okay," repeated Olivia, kissing Alex's hair. "I've got you. You're safe."

Alex nodded and took a deep breath. She bit her lip as her body began to calm in Olivia's embrace. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"No worries, honey. It happens sometimes. It's not your fault."

"I'm going to go back to sleep," said Alex in a small voice, unwrapping Olivia's arms from around her and scooting away from the edge of the bed. She lay down on her side and pulled her knees to her chest, swiping a hand across her eyes to wipe away her tears.

Olivia lay down beside Alex and gently rubbed her back. "Can I hold you, baby?"

Alex shook her head. "Can you – I mean – I just want to be alone right now." She buried her head in her pillow, and her next words came out garbled. "I'm sorry." She needed some time to sort her thoughts out, and she couldn't do that with Olivia here, holding her and promising that everything would be okay, telling her how much she loved her. She didn't deserve Olivia's love, and she knew it.

Olivia sighed and kissed the base of Alex's neck. "Okay, princess. I'll be in the family room. You can come get me if you need anything."

Alex nodded and held her breath, waiting until Olivia had closed the door before she burst into a fresh round of sobbing. She tried to stay quiet so Olivia wouldn't hear, but she couldn't quite manage it. Why did she keep pushing Olivia away, when her girlfriend only wanted to help?

She knew why. She didn't deserve Olivia.

* * *

Olivia lay down on the couch, wrapping a blanket around herself and trying not to cry herself as Alex sobbed in the other room. Each cry physically wrenched her heart, and it went against every single one of her instincts as a cop, a girlfriend, and a mother not to go to her Alex when she was in distress.

Her weeping gradually abated, turning into quiet whimpers instead, and Olivia rolled onto her side, clutching a pillow to her chest and pretending it was Alex in her arms.

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	67. Chapter 67

Olivia woke up to find Joshua sitting on the edge of the couch. "'Morning, Josh," she said, sitting up and yawning.

"Why are you sleeping out here?" he asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Olivia sighed. "Adult issues, honey."

"Did you and Alex have a fight?"

"No, Josh. Don't worry."

He nodded, seeming to accept this for now. He climbed onto her lap and leaned close to her ear so only she could hear him. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure, baby. What is it?"

"You can't tell Alex I told you."

"Why not?"

"'Cause she told me not to."

Olivia was starting to get concerned. "You can tell me."

"Alex used to come to visit me sometimes at school," he whispered.

Olivia felt her world cave in. Joshua had known – for a year – and she hadn't. That was why – that was why Joshua had stopped talking to Casey, why he had come home so upset sometimes – that was why. How could Alex do that to their _son_? She made a mental note to discuss this with Alex later. "Thanks for telling me, Josh," she said quietly, kissing his forehead.

"Don't get mad at her," he said quickly, recognizing the danger in her tone. "She said it was because she loves me, and she didn't want me to worry. I wanted to tell you, too, but she told me that I couldn't. But now that she's here, it doesn't matter anymore."

Olivia took a deep breath to calm herself. "Josh, you're going to be late for school. Run and get dressed, okay?"

He rolled his eyes. "I _am _dressed."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair. "Right. Um, can you get yourself breakfast? I'm going to get dressed and then I'll drive you."

"I already ate."

"Well, then pack your bag for school."

"I already –"

"Well, double check to make sure you've got everything," she snapped, getting up off the couch and storming toward the bedroom where Alex was curled up in a ball on the bed, whimpering softly, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. Her cheeks were still wet with tears.

"'Morning," whispered Alex as Olivia pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Olivia spun around and glared at her. "I'll deal with _you _later."

Alex stared at her, uncomprehending. What had she done wrong? Was it the nightmare? Had Olivia finally come to her senses? Was she going to kick her out? Or – or was it more than that? Was Olivia tired of taking care of her? Was Olivia going to hit her? "I – I'm sorry," she began, still confused.

"No, Alex, you're not." Olivia yanked a sweater over her head. "I'm going to drop my son off at school." She stalked out of the room, and Alex heard the apartment door open and close.

Then it occurred to her – Olivia had said "_my_ son." Not "our son." She immediately began to tremble, wondering once again what she'd done wrong, waiting in trepidation for Olivia to return, wondering if she even would.

She tried to calm herself down. Olivia had never hurt her before, and Alex knew she wasn't going to. Olivia had never left her – it had always been the other way around. Olivia always said she loved her, no matter what.

She took a deep breath and got out of bed, glancing at herself in the mirror and wincing. She looked like hell, as Petrovsky would put it. She needed to shower.

She took a quick one and got out, towel drying her hair and pulling it back into a ponytail. Olivia still hadn't returned, but she tried not to worry. Maybe there was just traffic, or she'd stopped by the precinct.

Alex put on a pair of jeans and a tank top. She looked at herself in the mirror, grimacing as she appraised the bruises that trailed down her arms. She fought the urge to pull a sweatshirt over top, but resisted and went into the living room, lying down on the couch and taking out a book.

She tensed when she heard the apartment door open and close and heavy footsteps making their way toward the living room. Sure enough, there was Olivia, standing a few feet away with her arms folded across her chest, glaring at Alex.

Alex hardly dared to voice the question, but she forced the words out anyway. "What's wrong?"

"Alex. You really thought I wouldn't find out?"

Alex flinched at the tone Olivia used. "I don't know what you're talking about, Olivia."

"You went to see Joshua!" Olivia burst out. "You went to see him, for God's sake, and you confused the hell out of him. You made him keep a secret from me for a whole year. He was miserable when you were gone, did you know that? He cried all the time, and some days he would come home from school and just hide in his room, and I never knew why, but now – it was you! You hurt him, Alex. I could tolerate anything else, but not that. You hurt my little boy. You broke his heart, Alex, every time."

Alex felt her world falling away. "I didn't mean – I didn't mean to hurt him, Liv. But – he's my son, too! And I thought he deserved to know that I still loved him, no matter what."

"Goddammit, Alex! You still don't realize you did anything wrong?"

Alex took a deep breath, trying to stay composed. "I realize that I did many things wrong, Olivia. I left you. I distrusted you. I didn't return your calls. I made you miserable. I've hurt you even more by coming back. You've killed a man to protect me, and I know that means an investigation from IAB and a whole lot of other crap. You've been there for me even when I wake up crying or screaming, and you haven't left me. I know I don't deserve you, and I know that you have a right to be angry. But Olivia, I thought I was doing the right thing. I'm sorry if it wasn't, but at the time –" Her voice cracked, and she started again. "At the time, I just missed my son. _Our _son." She managed a smile. "He reminds me of you, Liv. So much. And every moment I spent with him was like spending time with you, only – you did well, Liv. He's a great kid."

And Olivia broke under Alex's spell, as she always did. She would do anything for Alex, and she couldn't fault her girlfriend for going to see their son. In Alex's place, she might have done the same thing. And the bruises marring Alex's fair skin made her feel even worse.

She sat down on the couch next to Alex, who was desperately trying to hold back her tears. She wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her hair. "I'm sorry, baby," she said quietly, taking off her own sweater and wrapping it around the shoulders of the trembling blonde, partly because Alex was shivering and partly because she couldn't bear to look at the bruises on Alex's arms. She felt awful when Alex flinched at the touch and gave Alex another kiss. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean to hurt us. You were just doing what you thought was best. I didn't mean to scare you, honey."

Suddenly, Alex drew back. "Doesn't it disgust you?"

"What, baby?"

"Touching me. Thinking about different men, holding me, touching me, being with me."

"Oh, sweetheart, it doesn't. There's nothing disgusting about you, nothing at all. He raped you, Alex, and that wasn't your fault."

Alex shook her head. "But before that, when I was in Witness Protection. There were men. Boyfriends. One in particular, Jake. He came home with me every night. We slept together." She grimaced. "I hated it."

"I know, baby. I know you didn't want to."

"But Olivia, I _did_. I did want to."

Olivia regarded her carefully. "That wasn't you, Alex." She lightly caressed Alex's cheek. "Don't worry. I know that. I know you love me just as much as I love you."

Alex dropped her gaze. "You can hit me," she said softly. "You can punish me. I won't cry. I know I deserve it."

It wasn't until that moment that Olivia realized how truly mixed up Alex was. She took Alex's hands in her own and gave them a comforting squeeze. "Oh, baby, I'm not going to hit you. I would never hurt you, Alex. You don't deserve to be punished. I love you."

"But how can you?"

Olivia didn't know what she could say to that. How can you explain such pure love to someone who doesn't even love herself anymore? So Olivia just said the first words that came to mind, the ones that sounded right. "Because you're _you_. And that makes you the most amazing woman in the whole wide world."

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	68. Chapter 68

Alex buried her head in the crook of Olivia's neck and tried not to cry. She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to show Olivia any sign of weakness. She'd screwed up, and she deserved whatever Olivia did to her now. But Olivia wasn't hurting her, just holding her close and tenderly stroking her hair. Alex didn't understand. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know you are, baby. I know you didn't mean to hurt anybody. You were just trying to protect yourself. I understand."

"I didn't mean to, Liv. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," Olivia assured her, kissing her hair. "It's okay." She offered Alex a smile. "Want to go out for breakfast? We can go to Sarabeth's, or Brasserie if you prefer. Orange French toast?"

Alex hesitated before nodding. "Okay," she said quietly.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Okay."

* * *

They got the call at 12:57 – the nurse at Joshua's school, asking them to come pick him up, because he had a stomachache and was throwing up.

"Do you think he's faking?" Alex asked Olivia.

Olivia shrugged. "Maybe, but I doubt he's that sophisticated. It's okay. I'm actually surprised he lasted this long."

"What do you mean?"

Olivia blushed. "My nerves were a bit . . . tight . . . this morning. I think I upset him."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry, Alex. You have nothing to be sorry for. You made a mistake, but now it's over with, and we can move on. You're still the love of my life."

Alex chewed on her lower lip and nodded. "So are we going to get him?"

"Yeah, but you don't have to come if you don't want to."

"I'll come. It'll probably make him feel better."

"It will," agreed Olivia, tucking a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "He missed you, baby. He absolutely adores you." She gave Alex a smile. "So do I, for that matter."

Alex dropped her gaze. "You shouldn't, though." Then she sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to start a pity party. It's just – you were right. About everything. I shouldn't have come back at all, Liv. I've just screwed things up even more."

"Alex, look at me," said Olivia firmly. When Alex didn't, Olivia gently lifted her chin and continued, "In any relationship, there are going to be bumps along the way, but we can work them out and get through them together. That's what love is, Alex, and I love you. We're a family, for better or for worse, through thick and through thin. Always."

"I don't deserve to be part of your family, though. All I've done is hurt you, and I never wanted to."

"I know you didn't, and that's the important thing. What's done is done, Alex. We can't change the past, but we can work from here."

"I'm sorry," whispered Alex, too ashamed to meet Olivia's eyes.

"Sweetheart, I want you to listen very carefully to me." She waited until she was sure she had Alex's full attention before continuing. "I love you. My love for you is unconditional and limitless. I have never, can never, and will never love another woman as much as I love you. I want to have a life with you and our son. That means that we have to accept the past for what it is and move on so we can make a life for ourselves, together, with Joshua. You made a mistake, and I forgive you. Now it's time for you to forgive yourself." She looked right into Alex's eyes, holding her gaze steady. "Do you think you can do that for me?"

Alex bit her lip so hard that it drew blood, but she finally nodded.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. Alex's body trembled in her embrace, and Olivia rubbed her arms to warm them up. "Okay, baby," she soothed. "It's okay. I love you, sweetie, and nothing's ever going to change that." When Alex finally raised her head, Olivia gave her a smile and brushed Alex's hair back from her face. "Ready to go pick up our son?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded.

Olivia smiled. "Okay." She took Alex's hand and they walked side by side to the parking garage to get the car.

When they got to Joshua's school, he was waiting in the nurse's office. He looked up and ran to Alex when he saw her, throwing his arms around her stomach. "I don't feel well," he told her.

"I know, Joshy. We're taking you home," Alex replied.

He looked from Olivia to Alex and back to Olivia. "Are you still mad?"

"No, baby. I'm not mad at anyone. Not at Alex, and especially not at you," Olivia assured him. "Are you ready to go?"

"You've got to sign me out first," he reminded her, still holding tight to Alex's hand.

"Right." She glanced at Alex and Joshua, who both needed each other so much right now, and decided to give them a moment. She was feeling a bit left out, but both of them were in a vulnerable place right now, and she had, in some roundabout way, caused it. "I'll meet you guys in the car, okay?"

Alex nodded and led Joshua out to the car. She sat down in the backseat beside Joshua for a moment, noticing the apprehension in his eyes. "What's wrong, Josh?"

He looked at the ground. "Don't be mad at me, Allie, but I told Olivia about when you used to come to see me."

Alex sighed. "I know, honey. I'm not angry with you. I shouldn't have asked you to keep it a secret from her, and I will never ask you to keep a secret like that again."

He wrapped his arms around Alex's neck and nodded. "I love you, Allie."

"I love you, too, sweetie."

Olivia climbed into the driver's seat a moment later. "Are we ready to leave?"

Alex kissed Joshua's forehead. "Let go of me, baby. I'm going to sit in the front seat."

He shook his head. "Stay with me!"

Alex sighed. "Okay, Josh. I'm right here. Just let me put my seat belt on."

He let go for just a moment so Alex could put on her seat belt, then grabbed her hand again and squeezed it so tightly that he left tiny crescent moons imprinted on her palm.

Joshua fell asleep in the car, his grip on Alex's hand relaxing as he started to lightly snore. Alex started to rub his back, really more for her own comfort than for his. "I love you, Joshy," she whispered, kissing the crown of his head.

Olivia caught Alex's eye through the rearview mirror and gave her a smile. "You doing okay?"

Alex nodded and rested her cheek on the crown of Joshua's head. "I'm fine."

Olivia reached back and took Alex's hand in her own. She squeezed it, and Alex smiled back at her.

"Don't, Liv. You need two hands to drive."

Olivia grinned. "I can drive with _no _hands, remember?"

Alex laughed. "Not with our son in the car, and we weren't actually driving. We were stopped at a red light."

Olivia shrugged. "Same difference. Get in the front, babe. My multitasking skills are a bit rusty, but I think we can handle it."

Alex shook her head, but her eyes danced with mirth. "I don't think Josh will be too happy if he wakes up and finds us having a heavy make out session in the front seat at a red light."

"Aw, that kid can sleep through anything."

"Do you really want to test him?"

Olivia thought about it. "Not really. I was traumatized when I was a kid and walked in on my mom having sex with the boyfriend _du jour_."

"Well, we are never going to defile my car, so I don't think he has anything to worry about."

"I think you mean _our _car."

"I think I mean _my _car. I bought it, remember?"

"I've used it for the better part of five years, _remember_?"

Alex considered. "Good point."

"Maybe we should get a new one then," suggested Olivia.

Alex rolled her eyes. "You and your cars. I swear, you're almost as bad as a guy!"

"_Almost_. That's a very important distinction, Counselor. And you're one to talk, Ms. I-Got-A-Lamborghini-For-My-Sixteenth-Birthday."

"Yes, but I hated it."

"You could have given it to me!"

"Honestly, Liv, what the hell is the point of a Lamborghini in New York? The parking guys kept taking it out for a spin and smashing it up, and by July, it was toast."

"And then you got a BMW, which I must say was much more practical."

Alex laughed. "Stop it."

"Hey, I'm just jealous."

"Go figure."

"Speaking of jealous, your mom called yesterday. I forgot to tell you."

"What did she want?"

"To see her baby, of course."

Alex laughed in spite of herself. "That's how she put it?"

"Mm hm. I told her that you're _my _baby."

Alex grinned. "And?"

"She said that you were her baby first, and I let it go because I wasn't about to get into a pissing match with her."

"That's smart."

"I know, right? Anyway, I invited your parents over for dinner tonight."

Alex's hand stilled on Joshua's back. "Liv, you could have told me this before! The house is a mess and I have no idea what I'm going to make and Joshua isn't feeling well –"

"Whoa, calm down, Alex. Take a deep breath." When Alex complied, Olivia smiled. "That's why I'm telling you now."

Alex leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I really wish you'd _warned _me."

"But I just did."

"I mean, _earlier_."

"It's okay, baby. I'll take care of things."

Alex rolled her eyes. "I know what _that _means, and thanks but no thanks."

"How's this – I'll cook and you clean."

"I don't think my parents will be big on frozen burritos or Kraft Dinner."

Olivia laughed. "Excuse me? I've been doing _all _the cooking for the past few years!"

"Yes, for our nine-year-old. My parents are – okay, you know what? You cook and I'll clean."

Olivia smiled. "Great. They'll be here at five."

"Liv! It's 1:40."

Olivia shrugged. "Then I guess I'd better floor it."

**Review for chapter sixty-nine!**


	69. Chapter 69

Three and a half hours later, Joshua was bathed, freshly dressed, and complaining about why he had to dress up for his grandparents. Alex was holding Joshua in her lap to keep him from fidgeting and trying to resist the temptation to pace the now-spotless living room. Only Olivia appeared undaunted, sprawled out on the couch, her head resting on Alex's arm, and reading a book. "Honestly, Alex, I don't understand what you're so worried about," she said, kicking her feet onto the armrest and stretching.

"Okay, fine," said Alex, mindlessly running her fingers through Olivia's hair. "How many times did you invite my mother over when I was in Witness Protection?"

Olivia shrugged. "I don't know. A dozen, maybe?"

"Exactly. The first thing she's going to do when she walks in the door is examine the floor for dust. When she finds none – and I assure you that she will not find one tiny little ball of _lint _on this carpet – she will go into the kitchen, where she will make sure that all of the cans are neatly stacked and the cereals are organized in alphabetical order –"

"Really?"

"Yes, really, and God help us if we're feeding Lucky Charms to her precious grandson."

"But I like Lucky Charms," said Joshua.

Olivia tousled his hair. "I know you do, baby. I think Alex is exaggerating."

"Just you wait and see," said Alex darkly.

The doorbell rang a few moments later and the color drained from Alex's face.

"Oh, no! They weren't supposed to be here for half an hour longer!"

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. "Relax, baby. We're ready for them."

"You can never be ready for my parents."

It was too late, though. Joshua was already running toward the door. He flung it open and his face lit up. "Grandma! Grandpa!"

"Hey, buddy," said Mr. Cabot, smiling at Joshua. "Do I get a hug?"

Joshua grabbed onto his grandfather's hand and yanked him toward the family room where Alex and Olivia were still sitting. "I'm going to show Grandpa my new Bionicle," he announced.

Alex winced at the thought of being left alone with her mother, but nodded. "Hi, Mom," she said to Mrs. Cabot.

"My poor baby!" she cried, running to Alex and wrapping her arms around her so tightly that Alex was finding it difficult to breathe.

"I'm fine, Mom," managed Alex. "Please let go of me."

"Are you feeling okay, honey? Olivia told me all about what happened."

Alex glared at Olivia, who at least had the good sense to blush and lower her eyes. "She's your _mother_, Alex."

Alex sighed. "Why do you all insist on smothering me? I'm okay, Mom. Really."

Her mother hugged her again. "My baby."

"Actually, she's _my _baby now," said Olivia with her trademark grin.

"She was my baby first," replied Mrs. Cabot good-naturedly.

Alex rolled her eyes. "While you two are arguing about whose baby I am – and by the way, both of you have equal but different claims to me – I'm going to say hi to Dad." They had this argument every time they were together, and frankly, Alex was tired of it.

Alex's father was sitting on the bed with Joshua, who was grinning as he displayed each of his new Bionicles. He looked up when he saw Alex and smiled, opening his arms. "Hey, Alex. How's it going?"

She gave her father a hug, grateful that he appeared to have more tact than her mother. "Was the drive up here okay?"

"It was fine, but you haven't answered my question."

"Technically, you haven't really answered mine either."

"Remember, I'm your father, Lex. I know all your tricks."

Alex smiled. "Of course. You taught them to me."

"True," he agreed.

"Grandpa," interrupted Joshua. "I got an A on my math test!"

"That's great, Josh, but your mom and I are talking. Please let us finish first, or say excuse me."

"Sorry."

"I think he wants to dominate your attention," commented Alex.

"Well, I haven't seen my grandson in months! Of course, I haven't seen my daughter in . . . well . . . years, so I think that trumps all else."

Alex dropped her gaze. "I'm sorry."

"No, I understand how hard it was for you. Olivia told me." He lifted Alex's chin so they were at eye level. "You're lucky to have her, Alex."

"That's refreshing. Most people hate their in-laws."

He shrugged. "You chose well, Lex."

* * *

When Alex's parents had finally left and Joshua was in bed, Alex and Olivia cleaned up and lay down in their bed. "Was that so bad?' asked Olivia with her trademark grin.

Alex groaned and buried her head in Olivia's chest.

"Was it?" prodded Olivia, lifting Alex's chin.

Alex rolled her eyes. "No, it wasn't."

Olivia smiled. "That's right." She wrapped her arms around Alex and guided Alex's head to rest on her chest again. "Love you, princess." She kissed the base of Alex's neck.

Alex closed her eyes and smiled against the sensation of Olivia stroking her hair. "Love you, too."

Olivia gave her another kiss. "Sleep now, baby. We've got to go to work tomorrow." She held Alex close and buried her head in Alex's hair, inhaling the subtle vanilla scent. "No nightmares tonight, sweetie. I'm here. I've got you, and no one is ever going to hurt you again."

"I know," whispered Alex, her body relaxing in Olivia's arms as she drifted off to sleep.

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back, lulling her tense muscles into a more relaxed state. "I love you," she whispered again, although Alex couldn't hear her. "I will always love you."

**Review for the next chapter!**


	70. Chapter 70

Olivia started awake to Alex's anguished cries as she thrashed around beside Olivia, begging Robert not to hurt her, struggling against invisible demons. She glanced at the door for a moment – Alex was screaming so loudly that it was a wonder that she hadn't woken Joshua.

"It's okay, Alex," soothed Olivia, brushing a few strands of hair back from her forehead and wiping away her tears, unsure whether Alex was actually awake or asleep. "Baby, it's over. It's okay. You're safe."

But if anything, Alex's sobs intensified and she raised her hands over her head to shield it from the anticipatory blows.

"Sweetheart, it's just me," said Olivia gently, but she didn't try to touch Alex again, knowing instinctively that it would set her off again.

Suddenly, the bedroom door opened and Joshua ran in, his face white as a ghost. He climbed onto the bed beside Alex and wrapped his arms around her. Olivia was about to tell him not to do that, because Alex wouldn't recognize that it was him, that she would think it was Robert and she might lash out and hurt him without meaning to, but before she could, Joshua kissed Alex's cheek and whispered, "It's okay, Alex. We'll protect you."

Surprisingly, it did seem to help, and Alex's body slowly calmed. It was Olivia who was crying as she watched the scene unfolding before her; her girlfriend caught within the throes of a powerful nightmare, and their nine-year-old son holding her and telling her that he would protect her.

As Alex's trembling gradually abated and she opened her eyes, Olivia reached out and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You're okay," she murmured. "I'm here."

Alex took a deep breath to calm herself and nodded. "Sorry for waking you, Josh," she said quietly, wiping at the tears in her eyes.

He hugged Alex tighter. "It's okay to be scared sometimes, Alex."

She smiled slightly. Olivia had told her the same thing. Joshua was growing up to be more and more like her every day. "I'm okay," she whispered, lying back down on the bed and pulling Joshua with her.

Olivia slid closer to Alex and Joshua, gently stroking Alex's hair. Joshua lay down between them, resting his head on Olivia's stomach and clutching Alex's other hand, holding on for dear life. Within minutes, he was asleep.

Olivia leaned close to Alex. "Are you sure you're all right?" she murmured over Joshua's head.

Alex nodded and chewed on her lower lip. "It was just a dream."

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "It wasn't _just _a dream. It's okay, baby. I understand." She kissed Alex's forehead. "I'm so proud of you, Alex."

Alex looked at the ground. "I don't understand."

"You managed to get through it, Alex. You've been so brave, and you've been doing really well since everything happened, better than anyone can be expected to. These things take time, but I'm here for you, and I love you more than anything else in the world." She pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "We both do."

"I know. But Joshua –"

Olivia silenced her with another kiss. "Don't worry about Joshua, baby. He's been through a lot, more than any child should ever have to go through, but he's strong, just like you." She gave Alex a smile. "He's going to be just fine, and you will be, too. I promise."

Alex wrapped her arms around Joshua and snuggled closer to her son and girlfriend. "I love you, Liv. I think I must be the luckiest person in the whole wide world, to have you and Joshua. He's a growing up to be such a wonderful young man, and you are the most amazing girlfriend I could ever ask for."

"Oh, baby." Olivia gently caressed Alex's cheek. "_I _must be the luckiest woman in the whole wide world, to have _you_ and Joshua."

"But you've been there for me, all this time. You took me back even when I hurt you, and you always make me feel so safe."

"You _are _safe with me, princess. Always."

"I know. You're always here whenever I need you. You always hold me, comfort me, rub my back, tell me everything's okay. You're my protector, and you're the love of my life. I just wish you didn't have to take care of me. I wish I could do something for you, too. Relationships are supposed to be quid pro quo, but all you ever do is give and all I ever do is take."

"Sweetheart, the only thanks I ever need is knowing that it helps you. All I want is for you to be happy, and for you to know that you're safe."

"I do, Liv. I do know. I know you love me, but sometimes I just don't understand _why_."

Olivia understood that Alex was feeling particularly vulnerable tonight, and needed some extra reassurance. But still, Alex's insecurities tugged at her heart strings. Why couldn't Alex see what an amazing woman she was? "You are so strong," she whispered, holding Alex close. She glanced at their son, making sure he was still asleep before continuing. "So brave. You've devoted your life to helping others, and you're probably the smartest person I know. Even though that tongue of yours sometimes drives me crazy, I wouldn't have you any other way. I love the way you can out-argue anyone – except when that person is me. I love how caring you are, toward our son, toward the victims we deal with in our jobs, toward me. I love how passionate you are about everything you do, and how you will fight for what you believe in to the bitter end. I love that even with the horrors we see every day, you still see the good in people. When I first met you, I never realized that you had this side to you, the one that's warm and cuddly, the one that snuggles close to me at night and holds my hand when we're driving, and I love that. You're a very special person, Alex, and you are so, so beautiful that it sometimes hurts to look at you." She smiled at Alex and gently kissed her lips. "I am so lucky."

Alex couldn't look at Olivia. She was fighting the tears welling up in her own eyes. She wanted to be what Olivia said she was, brave and strong, and she couldn't cry.

But Olivia's voice came again, soft but firm. "But, Alex, do you know what I love most about you?" She lifted Alex's chin so they were looking into each other's eyes and said, "I love it when you show me that sometimes you're vulnerable too. When you need someone, and you let me be the one to comfort you, to hold you, to _love _you. I love that you let me love you, and that you love me."

Finally, Alex smiled. "And why wouldn't I?"

Olivia shrugged, trying not to show just how happy Alex's words made her. She wrapped her arms around Alex, pulling her as close as she could without squishing Joshua. "Ready to go back to sleep?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. "I think I can sleep now." She bit her lip. "Thanks, Liv."

Olivia kissed her hair. "You never have to thank me for this, Alex. That's what I'm here for." She cupped Alex's cheek. "And if you need anything, if you have another bad dream, you can always wake me. It's okay. You don't have to do this alone. You're _not_ alone."

"I know. You're here."

Olivia smiled and took Alex's hand, and they fell asleep that way, the three of them holding hands.

**Review for chapter seventy-one!**


	71. Chapter 71

The next morning, Olivia woke up to her alarm and quickly shut it off, wanting to let Alex sleep if she could. Alex had woken up twice more during the night, and finally she'd managed to drift back to sleep. Olivia knew that if she got Alex up right now, she'd be exhausted.

But Joshua had school, and since he was still lying on her stomach, she couldn't get up until she did. Olivia kissed his forehead. "Josh, time to get up."

Joshua groaned and rolled over. "I wanna sleep."

"I know you do, Josh, but you're going to be late for school. You've got math first today, remember?"

"Oh, yeah." He jumped out of bed, and Olivia put a hand on his shoulder.

"Shh. Let Alex sleep."

It was actually surprising that Alex had slept through this, considering how light a sleeper she was, and how many times she'd woken up during the night. As Joshua ran off to his room to get dressed, Olivia planted a gentle kiss on Alex's forehead and brushed her hair back from her face.

"I love you, baby," she said softly. Alex didn't stir.

She got dressed as quietly as she could, trying not to wake Alex. She made Joshua breakfast, and then scribbled Alex a note in case she woke up and found Olivia gone. She hoped Alex wouldn't have another nightmare while she wasn't there.

She called Captain Cragen to say she wouldn't be in today and drove Joshua to school.

* * *

Alex woke up to find Olivia's side of the bed empty and her first thought was that Olivia had finally gotten tired of Alex, of her nightmares and sadness and fear, and she'd left her. But that was just her exhaustion talking. She knew Olivia would never really leave her. Checking the clock, she realized it was almost 9:00. Olivia was at work, and she'd let Alex sleep in. She smiled to herself. Olivia was so sweet sometimes – _all_ the time.

She froze when she heard the apartment door open, but forced herself to calm down. It wasn't Robert; he was dead. No one was going to hurt her.

Sure enough, Olivia entered the bedroom a moment later with a sheepish smile. She sat down beside Alex on the bed and gave her a kiss. "Sorry, baby. Did I scare you?"

Alex shook her head, but she was still trembling, and Olivia took her into her arms and hugged her tight.

"It's just me," she said softly, kissing the crown of Alex's head.

Alex nodded and took a deep breath. "I know. Sorry."

"I left you a note."

"Yes, I – sorry. I was just jumping to conclusions."

Olivia held Alex close and stroked her hair. "I love you, baby. I'll never leave you. You don't have to worry about that."

Alex nodded. "I know." Then something occurred to her. "Why aren't you at work?"

Olivia smiled. "I got today off. I thought I'd spend the day with you."

Alex smiled back, then knitted her brows. "I appreciate that, Liv. I really do. But we can't _both _not be working."

"We are working. Just not today." Then she got a bit more serious. "It's okay, honey. Cragen knows how important you are to me – to all of us. And I won't be able to concentrate on work anyway when I'm worrying about you."

Alex bowed her head. "I'm sor-"

"No, Alex," said Olivia sternly. "Do _not_ complete that thought. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm here because I want to be here. Because I love you and I want to take care of you. When you're unhappy, I'm unhappy too, and I wish I could just make it better for you."

Alex managed a small smile. "You are." She climbed onto Olivia's lap and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's neck. "Thank you," she whispered into Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia gently rubbed her back. She didn't say anything until she felt Alex's body calming in her arms, her muscles gradually relaxing. "I'll make you breakfast," she offered, kissing Alex's hair. "You lie down for a bit longer, okay?"

Alex smiled. "I'm okay, Liv. Really. I mean, it's nice that you're trying to take care of me, but I'm not an invalid."

"Shh." Olivia silenced Alex with a kiss. "That wasn't a question."

"Then why did you phrase it as one?"

Olivia shrugged. "To be polite?"

"That _is _a question."

Olivia laughed. "I'll even tuck you back in," she said sweetly.

Alex wanted to roll her eyes, but she didn't, because she had to admit that she enjoyed being coddled by Olivia. She knew Olivia loved her, and that meant everything to her. So she wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and let the detective lift her up and tuck her beneath the covers. She folded down the sides of the bed, smoothed the duvet, and kissed Alex's forehead.

"I'll bring you pancakes, or I can make orange French toast like they do at Brasserie."

Alex smiled. "You're spoiling me."

"I like to." She gave Alex another kiss. "You deserve it."

Alex's eyes followed Olivia as she walked toward the door. "What would I do without you?"

"I hope we never have to find out," replied Olivia, too quietly for Alex to hear.

**Review for chapter seventy-two!**


	72. Chapter 72

**This is going to be the last chapter of my looooooong story. Enjoy and thanks for sticking with it the whole time!**

Alex and Olivia spent the better part of the day curled up in bed, watching movies and just taking comfort in each other's presence. Olivia held Alex tightly, rubbing her back, stroking her hair; all gestures meant to soothe Alex, and it helped.

They picked up Joshua from school and took him to see the new Harry Potter movie at the theater, which he'd been excited about for weeks. Olivia had been reading the books with him, and they'd just finished the seventh one a month ago.

Joshua sat between them, and Alex and Olivia intertwined their hands behind him. Alex remembered their second date – they'd gone to see a movie, but she couldn't remember what it was. She'd spent more time watching Olivia than the movie, and she remembered the spark of electricity when their fingers brushed together in the bucket of popcorn. She met Olivia's eyes and smiled, and she could tell Olivia was thinking the same thing.

That night, Alex drifted off to sleep, safe in Olivia's warm embrace, and she didn't have a single nightmare.

* * *

Both of them went back to work the next day. Olivia called Alex a grand total of seven times throughout the morning, until Alex finally said, "Liv, I appreciate your concern, but I'm okay. I need to get some work done and you're distracting me," to which Olivia laughed and apologized.

"Sorry, baby. I just worry, because I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you." _Again_, she didn't add, but Alex heard the words anyway.

"Liv, I know you're just trying to take care of me, but I need you to let me do my job. I'll call you if I need you, okay?"

Alex could hear Olivia's sheepish smile over the phone. "Okay, Alex. I'm sorry."

Alex softened. "I'll see you in a few hours, Liv."

"See you," echoed Olivia.

Alex hung up and went back to the mountain of paperwork on her desk, but she couldn't concentrate. She kept staring at the tiny white business card that she'd taken several weeks ago.

It wasn't that she planned on using it anytime soon, really. She'd gotten all the way to the psychiatrist's office, intending to con her into prescribing sleeping pills without Olivia's knowledge. She didn't want to keep Olivia up every night with her nightmares, with her screaming and thrashing and crying and _fear_, but she knew that Olivia would tell her that it was all right, that she didn't need sleeping pills, that Olivia would be there for her no matter what.

But somehow, she hadn't made it past the waiting room. She'd made the appointment, and then she'd sat on an uncomfortable plastic chair for 37 minutes before finally taking the business card and bolting. She hadn't intended on calling back, but after the night before last, she wasn't sure if she'd made the right choice. Even if it was just because she needed sedatives, maybe she should give it a try anyway. Maybe it would help.

But therapy, in and of itself, was a daunting idea. It would mean asking for help, and Alex wasn't good at asking for help, even from Olivia. But she couldn't keep hurting the woman – and the child – she loved, and if this was what it took, she would do it. She had to.

Her heart was pounding and her hands were shaking as she dialed the now familiar number on her cell phone. She was secretly glad when the call went to voicemail, so she wouldn't have to talk to anyone. She left a quick message, apologizing for not showing up to her previous appointment and asking if she could reschedule, and she left her phone number so the psychiatrist could return her call.

She had to do _something_, and it was all she could think of. Olivia wouldn't be able to continue to love her if she didn't at least attempt to fix herself, and Alex didn't know what she'd do without Olivia.

* * *

Two days later, Alex went to her appointment with the psychiatrist. She knew healing was going to be difficult, but her first meeting had gone well, and she was filled with confidence. She could do this. She was strong, and she had Olivia.

That evening, she went home and when she was in bed with Olivia, safe and warm in her girlfriend's embrace, she told Olivia that she'd gone to see a psychiatrist.

Olivia gave her a smile. "That sounds like a good idea, Alex."

"You're not upset?"

"Why would I be upset? You're taking control of your life again. You recognize that you need help and you're taking steps to get it. I'm proud of you, Alex."

"It doesn't mean I love you any less. It's just think this might help, too."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "I know."

* * *

**Three weeks later:**

It was the tenth anniversary of their first date. Ten long years in which they'd been through so much, but their relationship had survived, proving once and for all that they were truly meant for each other.

"Tonight," Olivia announced when she got home from work. "We are going out."

Alex smiled weakly. "Thanks, Liv, but Joshua needs help with an essay for English and I have to finish up with the McGrady file, and we –"

Olivia raised a hand to silence Alex's protests. "Do you remember what day it is?"

Alex thought for a minute and finally nodded.

Olivia smiled slyly. "Don't even try to argue with me, Alex. It's done. I made us a reservation for 8:00 at La Boehme. Wear your new red dress – you look absolutely stunning in it. I mean, even more stunning than usual."

Alex laughed. "Yes, o bossy one. I hear and will obey."

"Good. Mrs. Andre is coming over in an hour to take care of Josh. She'll help him with his essay." She grinned and took Alex's hand. "I'm going to shower. Care to join me?"

Alex pretended to consider. "I would care for it very much," she said primly.

Olivia chuckled and led Alex to the bathroom.

* * *

Two hours later – in a _limo, _no less – Alex and Olivia arrived at La Boehme, which was the restaurant they'd gone to on their first date. Alex had been the one to ask Olivia out, and she had been so nervous that she'd thrown up three times. She'd been second guessing her outfit, her shoes, her hairstyle, even the restaurant she'd chosen. It was well out of Olivia's price range, and she knew that Olivia was too chivalrous to let Alex pay. But it had been a perfect date, and it had led to hundreds more perfect dates.

Olivia opened the door for Alex and offered her girlfriend her hand. "Madame," she said with a little bow.

Alex smiled and took the proffered hand. Together, they walked toward the restaurant.

Olivia held open the door for Alex and ushered her inside, to an intimate table beside the window. "What's all this about?" she finally asked.

"Shh," said Olivia with a twinkle in her eye. "Let's get to the main course first – or dessert, if you think you can be that patient."

Alex bit her lip and smiled. "Dessert?"

Olivia nodded.

Alex grinned. "I think we've already had it."

Olivia laughed. "And you say_ I _have a dirty mind."

Alex reached out and took Olivia's hand. "Liv, you know patience is a virtue I lack."

Olivia squeezed her hand. "That's all right, princess. I know you're blessed with many others."

Then a waiter came over and asked if they wanted anything to drink. Olivia ordered them a bottle of wine and they looked over their menus, deciding what they wanted to eat. When the waiter returned, they ordered, and then fell into the comfortable rhythm they'd grown accustomed to over the years, bantering back and forth as they always had.

When their food came, Alex ate slowly, delicately, but Olivia scarfed down her food, watching Alex expectantly.

"What is it?" Alex asked, her eyes twinkling.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Cabot, for someone so smart, sometimes you're really dim."

Alex chuckled. "I don't understand."

"You really haven't figured it out yet?"

Alex thought for a moment and shook her head.

Olivia sighed theatrically. "Finish your dinner."

"Well, no. Now you're got me excited –"

"I think I did that a couple hours ago."

"_Liv_. I mean you've raised my expectations."

"I know what you meant."

Alex obediently took a bite of her pasta. "Okay, I'm done."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow. "Hey, don't rush it."

"What's _it_?"

"Eat."

Alex leaned forward, meeting Olivia's lips and melding them in a deep, passionate kiss. Olivia obliged, opening her mouth to allow Alex's tongue entry. They kissed for a few moments, and finally Alex pulled back. "Mm. That was a delicious meal, and now I am honestly and truly done."

Olivia called the waiter over and he took their plates.

Alex sighed. "You're really intent on teasing me, aren't you?"

"You should really be used to it by now, you know."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Fine. Are we getting dessert?"

"Yeah. Our waiter will be over in a few minutes, my demanding one."

"But you wouldn't have me any other way."

"If you didn't drive me crazy on occasion, you wouldn't be you."

"Aw, thanks. What a sweet girlfriend I have."

"I know, right?"

The waiter returned a few moments later, bearing a vanilla cake with Alex's and Olivia's names written on the top in pink icing, and a heart drawn around them. He set it down on the table and winked at Olivia. "Enjoy, ladies."

Alex stared at the cake for a moment, the reason for all of this occurring to her all at once, and her breath caught in her throat. Was she ready? She knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Olivia – yes, she was ready. She wanted this. More than anything.

The next few moments were a blur to Alex. All she could remember was that Olivia got down on one knee, and she must have asked Alex to marry her, but Alex's heart was pounding so hard she was sure Olivia could hear it, and suddenly her eyes were swimming with tears. This must have been what happened, because she knew she said yes. She loved Olivia. That was all she knew.

**Finally, it's done. Whew! Review if you liked this story!**


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